I still have feelings for my Ex, but....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
I still have feelings for my Ex, but....
4
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 11:02am

It has been 7 years since I have talked to my ex. I just recently emailed him, he graduated college two years ago and has a good job in a big city. When we dated I decided to break up with him because I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I still have feelings for him and I would like to start over with him again. I have told him that I still have feelings for him and everything. He said why am I just now talking to him. I don't think he is interested in me anymore but I've been having dreams about him and I don't know how to stop thinking about him. I was going to email him and tell him that I think about him a lot and that I sometimes have dreams about him and I want to tell him that I wish we could start over and have a second chance but I don't want him to freak out or think I'm obsessed over him. He said that hes just talking to someone. I'm also in a relationship but I'd like to see my ex but I don't know if he does. Should I email him what I said?

The other day, I talked to him about this and he said that he would like to date me again. I want to date him again too, the problem is, it that I love both my current boyfriend and my ex. I wouldn't want to hurt my bf, we have been dating for 4 years since we've been in college. I think that is one of the reasons that I want to see my ex,because I have only been with my bf throughout college and most other people date around.I want to date my ex and see if anything happens with our relationship.
If not I would like to go back to seeing my current bf but I know that is not how it works.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be left alone in the long run because I decided to see my ex. But I don't want to live my life wondering what it could have been with my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 5:31pm
Hey I am not a phychologist or anything of that kind of nature. But do want to give you some thoughts you might want to consider before you jump. Is the previous bf your first love? Only reason I am asking is because the saying is you can never let go of your first love and that is what you might be feeling with him. I am not saying I am right, I am only saying that because I am living that now. My bf has been with me over 5 years and his ex was his first love and sometimes I think if he had the chance he would go back to her. He always tells me know but I am still insecure about it Then ask yourself and this might sound strange..Do you love or loved your ex and do you love or loved your present bf... if you answered loved to either one of those then that will tell you what way to go. loved is past tense and maybe the reason you still have something for your ex is because he was your first and that is a love you will never want to lose but in the same aspect he is your past and you loved him and never put closer to that life. But you also have to ask yourself is it worth losing the life you have now. Some men will let you run and get it out of your system and wait for you but some wont. You have to ask yourself is it worth losing what special thing you have now because like you said if it doesnt work with your ex...whats to say your present bf will be waiting and will he feel that he is just a replacement that you are settling forsince it didnt work out with your past. I have tried to always live in the present and the future.....not the past..hope this helps...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 7:08pm

I have been thinking to myself, do I really love my bf now. He is my best friend and we have fun together but I don't think I feel attracted to him as much as when we first started dating. I just thought that I could try again with my ex since I broke up with him because I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We have both changed and I think it would work out. We had fun together, we have similar intrests and I miss him. He said that he would like to date me again but I don't know if he really feels the same way about me. This is what he said to me...

I asked him if he would date me again and he said maybe if I wasn't with someone, but don't change that for me.
He didn't want to be responsible for breaking up my relationship for four years.,He said that just know that i only want the best for you. you were a big part of my life and i want you to be happy, no matter what you do.He was my first love and he said that everyone has their "first love" you were mine,and that one is always special,but it may not be the same the 2nd time around. I told him that it could be better, and hes hesitant because of my relationship I'm in now. He said but please don't do anything irrational because of me. i don't want to be the reason things go bad with you and him....

What do you think I should do? I feel like I should tell my bf that I need some time a lone to think about what I want and to think about my future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 7:52pm

In all honesty your ex doesnt sound as if he is committed as you would want him to be. You dont want to let go but sounds as if he has and has gotten on with his life. Only reason I am saying that is because he said Maybe....if he would have said yes if he wasnt dating someone then I would say there is a chance but since he said Maybe..that is a risky chance. Sounds to me as if he is letting you down but gently...sorry if that is not what you want to hear but that is what I am reading into it. But sounds to me that he just isnt fully into it. by saying Maybe...

As for your present relationship it is possible to grow apart and maybe time apart will help you decide. Does it feel like your bf is drifting from you. You have been go go go sounds like and not taking that chance to breathe in your life. If you dont breathe then you will never see what is in front of you. basically is what I am saying is if you need time to find yourself you should be allowed to do it...do not be surprised if he gets angry a little bit though..time to yourself is not a bad thing. Expecially if it is regarding your future..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 6:29pm

Hi. This is a tricky one....I was in the same situation....or thereabouts........split up with my ex because I wasnt ready, like you were, for a serious relationship - he was my first love too. I do think that perhaps you need to look at your present relationship with your chap, ask yourself if your ex wasnt back in your life would everything with this guy still be okay? I do know how difficult this is.........just my 2 cents but I'm also a believer in first love, to an extent, never goes away - it's always that one person even if you're completely in love and happy with somebody else, theres still that bit of you, even if it's little,that still keeps something for your first love. It's also true that only a very few first loves end up together...not trying to put a wet blanket on it :-/ You've got to do what feels right hun, do a lot of thinking and ask yourself what you need to know.....hope this helps a little and let us know what you decide

Alice xx