i think am losing it :-(
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| Sat, 08-05-2006 - 10:10am |
Hi
Sorry, this is goin to be a long one..
I last sent a post in June regarding my LDR..I had just met a guy whom i really liked, we seemed to click and i got to see him in London in May and June...My first problem was that i didnt know how to get him to call often..well, i finally managed to pluck up the courage to ask him..and we more or less talk every day now, which has been nice. Things were goin really great up until he let me down on my last visit to him when he couldnt make it cuz he had to travel with his mum to the country..I wrote in pretty upset about it etc..I spent the whole of June and July punishing him by not seeing him...am a flight attendant and London is a city i can arrange to be in as many as 4times a month..But i deliberately swapped my scheduled flights just to piss him off.. So, i spent the last two months deciding whether or not to dump him..I made three attempts to end the relationship but he kept on talking me out of it and he knew i had deliberately avoided london.. and the truth is i really have fallen for him.
During this time, there are other things that have happend that i have not been happy with..for instance, his tendency to switch off his phone at certain hours and some weekends. i confronted him about this but he came up with some lame excuses and apologised. Yes, sometimes i do call him late but becuase of my schedule, its pretty difficult for me..So, he tells me the reason his phone is off is because he is sleepng and doesnt want the people from work to disturb him etc..On his birthday (a friday) i called him at 1am and we spoke for an hour then i had to fly..when i got back later that night i decided to call him again just to pamper him but his phone was off..this really upset me and i decided not to answer my phone for a week..he called me frantically claiming to be worried abt me..after a week, i spoke my mind..Actually i was almost screaming at him..it took a lot of willpower to remain calm..he said the reason his phone was off was because him and his best friend went on a cycling trip in the country and they had no signal. So, things like this have been happening and i have been more confused than ever.
2days ago, i made my first trip to london since june 1st...i had initially decided against meeting him but he insisted that it would be good if we talked..So, we talked..and he admitted that he hasnt been treating me the way i deserve to be treated and that he is very sorry..and that from now on things will cahnge. Also adding that he would keep his phone on from now on. He told me that he has been dealing with stuff and thats why he has been distracted..and he also told me that his ex girlfriend has been tryin to get him back..he says its completely over..he says he has met with her but nothin happened and that she is taking longer than expected to get over him becuase they were together for 3years. He says they are not compatible and they want different things. she's 36 and he is 31 etc..he says me and him make more sense etc. I told him that i didnt want to be part of this "mess" and therefore i was goin to give him time to deal with his issues..he said he didnt need time because there was nothin to sort out..he said he was grateful for the time i was givin him but it was not necessary saying that everythin was sorted..He said he felt that he didnt want to give up on us and that he felt waht we have is special and that ever since he met me he feels no need to be with anyone else..He sounded sincere when he said all these things and i guess i so badly wanted to believe him.
We ended up at his house after dinner...and the inevitable happened..nothin has changed there, we are still great together in bed..Take note, this was my first time in his house..He has invited me before, but i always turned him down because its pretty far from my hotel. In the morning, he had to wake up for work..he asked me to stay on at his house and leave whenever i wanted..my pickup from my hotel was later that afternoon..Before he left, i noticed a stuffed puppy just above his bed and i really thot it was cute...so i went on abt it..so,he asked me if i wanted it and without thinkin i said yes...So, he gave it to me...but then after a few minutes, it hit me that this couldnt be somethin he got for himself so i asked him..and he said that he had got it abt 5years ago while shoppin with his ex..again, i was pissed off..i asked him why he would give me somethin his ex gave him and he said that he bot it with his money, she just suggested it!Just the thot of havin somethin from another woman made me angry..he then tried to calm me down by sayin that he will get me another if it would make me feel better..and i told him no..so, i told him i would just get rid of the one he had now..he went on to say that he was givin me the stuffed toy on condition that i look after it and that i should consider as a gift from him to me..and that i was being overly sensitive..Out of spite, i took the toy and i still have it with me..BUT i intend to give it to charity or soemthing..IF he still having somethin with this woman, surely she will notice that its gone and how would he explain??? Am i overreacting by hating the toy now?!
I REALLY REALLY like this man and we seem to connect..but there just seems to be so much drama and things are not adding up..when he called me late in the afternoon, unfortunately, i cried while talking to him cause i felt overwhelemed by all the stuff. and i told him this..and he agrees there has been a lot of drama and that he was sorry..but still denied being with another woman..I pressured him more for answers abt his ex and all he says is its over, they are just friends now.I begged him to be honest with me and let things go if he was unsure abt us but ge says he only wants to be with me. he feels its the distance thng thats made everythin worse and that we lost 2months btwn us but we would get it back.. On the other hand, he mentioned that he has been holdin himself back because he finds it difficult to get attached to someone since am so far.. but if he was to get involved, he would tell me and not put me thru misery and uncertainity.
i even asked him why i hadnt met any of his friends yet but he pointed out that the times i have been there, he has come to the area where my hotel is and that we have only met up abt 6times in the time we have known each other..I guess,if we lived in the same city, i would never have asked him this!!I just find myself acting in such a bizarre way with him! and i hate what am becoming!
What do i do?? is he just wasting my time? and do i send the stuffed toy to charity? Please help me! Am going mad:-(
