I think I blew it with this guy...
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| Mon, 12-13-2004 - 11:46am |
So two weekends ago i had met a guy at a xmas party. I knew his parents and ended up driving him home and staying at his family's house all weekend. We talked everyday after that and he came down to visit me this past thursday-we had a great time. I really like this guy.
One thing i had mentioned is that he is AA so i understand he is going through a lot right now, but he said it was ok. When we talked friday we talked about things a little i told him he seemed confused. He told me i was right about that and that he's trying to get his life together, but he knows he's not confused about the fact that he's attracted to me. i called him at like 2am on friday night, he was awake and we ended up having a really nice coversation where we said we missed each other and he said he'd be seeing me soon (next weekend)
so we talked again on saturday afternoon, great conversation. When we hung up i said i was going out that night, but maybe i'd call him again that night and wake him up. He just laughed and said, you're allowed.
So at 2am that night as i was driving home i called him-got his voicemail, left a message. I was hoping we'd get to talk. So about 10 minutes later i called again...no answer, i didnt leave a message. Finally at 2:30 as i was getting into bed, i called once again-didnt leave message. I just REALLY wanted to talk to someone so naturally i'd call the guy i like.
The next day i was wishing i hadnt called 3 times. I went out for a bit, came back at about 2 and saw that he hadnt called...at 4pm he still hadnt called so i felt more worried. I sent him text that said, sorry i called so late last night. I left the room for about 2 min and when i came back in, i saw that he called...i called him back, but got his voicemail, didnt leave a message. He called me back again and i picked up. He sounded fine and I apologized about calling. He just laughed and was like, you go to bed so late, you need to start going to bed earlier. I apologized again for calling, and he said, it's ok. I asked if he was mad and he said no...not really. I was like not really? He said he was jsut wondering what was going on and was like, did you just really want to talk or something? I was like, yeah i can be an idiot with the phone sometimes. He just laughed and said, dont worry about it. He asked what i had done that day, i told him, then he said he was at his friends house doing some work for him. I was like, do you want me to let you go? He was like, well why dont i give you a call this evening. I said ok and that we were having some people over (small xmas party). He said he'd call me at about 8 and i said, ok well if i dont answer just leave a message or something.
So at about 10pm he still hadnt called...i felt a little nervous so i sent a text asking, are you mad? no response. At about 10:30 i called, got his voicemail and left a message saying something like, im really sorry again about calling you 3 times last night, etc, if you dont want to talk to me anymore, just let me know. Still no call.
I am really upset. I realize that i should not have called 3 times, but there is nothing i can do about that now...damage is done. I guess i thought he'd be a little more understanding considering i am still talking to him after he has told me about his 2 or 3 DUIs, then fact that he's been to jail twice, cant drive for 2 more years, is in AA right now and isnt working...and he's going to get bent out of shape about me calling him 3 times late at night? I'm very hurt...i really want to call him again to apologize, but i know i shouldnt. I have apologized, ther'es nothing more i can do....if he wants to talk to me, he'll call. IT just hurts that he didnt call last night when he said he would ):

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WOAH Girl stop with the insecurity, he told you how many times he wasn't mad and you keep hounding him asking him if he's mad it's a HUGE turnoff. Enough with the phone calls and the insecure act, it's so not appealing.
Drop it. He's told you already he's not mad, so unless you want him to be stop texting him and calling and asking him that.
Definitely. Your desperation is coming out in bucket loads. And desperation is NOT attractive in the least. Back off and give him space, girl! The more you call, the faster he will run. He has already got a planeload of baggage right now and I hate to say this but you are not helping him or yourself any. In my experience, if you chase after a guy like that, they will run as far and as fast as they can get. Just play it cool and let him come to you. You might be worried, but that is the way it is. Get out and do something, be with friends, tie your hands together but do not call him or text him over and over!! :-)
One comment I found interesting is when you said that you thought he'd be more understanding and that he's lucky you gave him the time of day with all his issues. Again, not to seem harsh, but why do you feel that way? Yes, he's got issues but that doesn't mean that his judgement or tastes change.
Sorry lizzy! :-( That does suck. But take it from someone older (and maybe wiser, well, OK, with more world experience!), the calling, texting, emailing over and over never works in the long run. It might seem to work at first because they are "forced" to react to you for a while. They will respond by either picking up the phone or answering the text/email and they will be nice because they are a good person and don't want to be rude - think about it, how many people would say something such as "you know, all this calling is really, really bugging the crap out of me so will you please stop?!?!" The more likely reaction (and more polite and PC) is to pull away and eventually stop responding. Gets the message across but it drives you crazy so you keep it up. It then just validates their response of pulling back in the first place.
I am surprised you have never gotten this reaction before, honestly. Is this guy a little older? I think the older we get, the less likely men and women put up with this and would rather get away. Someone's maturity level will determine whether they will put up with this or not. My guess is he is beyond this level (despite his problems) and just doesn't want to deal with that. Again, not to be harsh but more realistic but a clingy girl is not what he needs and although you may not be clingy and needy, that is how it comes across.
Hi there!
I am not the best person for advice, however I will tell you that when someone calls me more than two times in a day it is a major turn off. Obviously, I am busy or something, why not wait until I respond. I think you care for this guy or are really interested, but don't over do it. And please be secure not only as a woman but as a person. He will call you back when he can and if he fails he must have his reasons which he is entitled to have. If he doesn't feel the same way, then hey move on. I know it is hard hun, but just relax and she where things go. Ok? I think after this, I should give this advice to myself. Let me know how things turn out. Take care and may God bless you!
I've done all i can. I'm honestly annoyed. he's the one who takes me home to his family when i first meet him and now i've apparently made things weird by calling 3 times in the night. He's not worth it if he's going to get bent out shape about that.
PLEASE stop texting him for your own good! IMO, you have no right to be annoyed. So he took you home. Yes, that is something, but that was before the 3 phone calls in half an hour and 50 thousand text messages. He has every right to get bent out of shape. If someone called me 3 times in a 30 minute span and texted me constantly looking for me to validate them by saying that I DO want to talk to them, I wouldn't want to talk to them! You are bordering on obsessive and about a guy that is not your boyfriend, only a guy you have sorta, kinda been out with a couple times.
You have done MORE than you can or should. I was sympathetic at first b/c I have been there, done that in my younger days, but if you are not going to read and follow the advice of people that are trying to help you then I'm sorry, you get what you get. You don't seem to really want advice, you are just looking for someone to feel sorry for you. I did, but since you continue to get yourself deeper into this, I don't know anymore. Your insecurities is what have done you in. Not anything about his character. I hope he calls but do not be surprised if he doesn't.
Hi lizzie. Okay, i think you've been given some really good advice here. Exactly - or pretty much the same thing has happened to me in the past few weeks. This guy asked for my number, when i got it to him gave him mine and texted him etc,we went for a drink.....half an hour after i'd got home i texted him saying do you want to do it again sometime? - no reply.I then sent him another one saying sorry that probably sounded really bad - again, no reply. I then (somehow and dont ask me how) left it 7 days and sent him another one- big mistake. I came across as needy and a lil desperate - and i;m not saying you are, not at all- i know i wasnt but just wanted to know there and then if he wanted to do it again - and that to me half an hour later after seeing him seemed perfectly reasonable - to him,it did anything but.
What im trying to say after all that! -is that a lot of guys back off a mile if they get even the slightest hint that a girl is becoming needy, i do know how you feel hun and i know how horrid it is to just want to speak to him and to know that he likes you as much as you do - but, trust me, he may be feeling a little freaked out right now....if he calls, and i really hope he does hun, then great :) If he doesnt, then next time you'll know to back off a bit when you meet(and you will) someone else that you really like....hindsight for next time - thats certainly what i;ll be doing! Good luck ,
Alice x
Um... what you, and the people who have replied to you, seem to be overlooking, is this...
And I quote... "I guess i thought he'd be a little more understanding considering i am still talking to him after he has told me about his 2 or 3 DUIs, then fact that he's been to jail twice, cant drive for 2 more years, is in AA right now and isnt working."
What, pray tell, do you see in this guy?
If you did drive him away, I congratulate you. Hats off to you. You may have averted a potential disaster down the road.
Maybe he really is working on his issues. Maybe behind the jail record, he's a sweet guy who loves kittens and puppies and will buy you roses just because.
I have a sense, though, that you are better off, at least until he has a job and can drive to it.
Sometimes, sabotage is a good thing...
but, if you want to continue to beat yourself up if he does not call, go ahead. Get it out of your system.
Whatever happens, take care of yourself.
A~
Bellina sends greetings- Well,luv don't think you blew it,as he's definitely got issues,emotionally.He's avoiding responding to your frequent calls/emails,texts as he's got things such as aa (drinking habit)issues perhaps that's a key problem.Also not ready for any type relationship currently,and also finds constant ringing him,texts and emails
too much for a fragile emotional state of mind.Personally,I agree with amberlotus and that he's got a bit of personal melodrama in his life for any sort of love connections'/or friends presently.You may want to start seeing other potential date prospects,until he gets his life in order.Just don't overdo calls to the next fellow,let him chase you.Tis better to let the fellow do a bit of chasing and stirs more intrigues in getting to know you.Trust me,a tad older and shrewder in winning a prospective fellows
affections,lett him chase you..you can flirt though. good luck bellina!
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