I think it's time to call it quits......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
I think it's time to call it quits......
8
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 5:10pm
Hi everyone,

I'm 27, my boyfriend's 37. We've been together for almost 3 yrs now.I think I knew from the beginning that we weren't compatible. My way of thinking,morals and values are very different from his; but i was swept of my feet. He treated me like a queen and I enjoyed it, in return I loved him like crazy. Few months into our relationship he seemed to change suddenly, went back to being his old self, i guess. After all he had me where he wanted me, so there was no more need for trying to impress me. Six months into the relationship,I went to his home and found that him with another woman. It was evident what they were doing when i arrived.I gave him a chance because i loved him and believe that everyone deserves a chance. Since then I've grown into an angry woman, mainly because he showed no remorse for his actions, he was only sorry that he was caught.What hurt me the most was that, he'd tell his friends how nice i was and that he'd never met anyone so sweet. So then why did he cheat? Our sex life has always been great. I've tried to forget and forgive, but it's hard and I'm only now getting over that pain. Now 2 yrs later, he's shown me his lazy side and have no respect for my feelings. His friends disrespect me by not speaking to me and even cursing me because i'm not the person they want me to be. I'm more of an open, straight forward person who thinks if something is wrong i'll say it is. To make matters worse, he doesn't stand up for me, he always thinks his friends are right. I knew it was time to move on 2 months ago when one of his friends came over while he was away and asked for something in the house which said no to. He cursed me and called me a bitch and that he'd slap me if ever he were to see me on the street. When my boyfriend returned from his trip I told him about the incident and insisted that he did something about it, whether it was to , put his foot down, or stop the guy from visiting the house. His reply was "that's between both of you, i'm not getting involved". Since then the guy has called the house and cursed me, calling me names. My boyfriend of course takes his friend's side, saying that they have been friends for years. Anyway i've gotten more and more frustrated about the situation and other things that have been going on, i want to call it quits. Truthfully i still love to b in his company, and i think one of the reasons that's keeping us together is the great sex. I need some advice, help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:50pm
Do you really need advice? I think you already know what you need to do. This man disrespects you, has cheated on you (probably more than the one time you know of), allows his friends to disrespect you. Sweetie, that is not love. There is no room for disrespect and distrust in love. Why would you even want to stay a part of that? It is not going to get better - not if you married, not if you had children, not if you become the perfect little woman you think he wants. Relationships get harder with time, not easier. If this is how he treats you while you're dating then it is only going to get worse with time. Get out now while you're still young and before he has completely robbed you of all self-esteem. I don't know you so its just presumption, but it doesn't sound like you love this man, it sounds like you're addicted to him. If you need to, start seeing a counselor. Start keeping a journal. Start working on your own self-respect so that you can find the strength to leave this moron. The world is full of men who are respectful, considerate, kind, and open-minded like you - ALL THE TIME, not just until they've hooked you in. Don't you want that in your life? Don't you want that kind of example for your future children? I bet if you thought back to the person you were before this relationship you would be appalled at how much you've changed and how much of yourself you've given up for this boy (can't disrespect men by calling him such). The only way you'll get that back is by getting the hell out of dodge. Your boyfriend is toxic and he's only going to tear you down more if you stick around. You deserve adoration, love, and respect and once you know that's true I think you'll be ready to leave. Good luck sweetie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:58pm
Definitely not worth sticking around for.

The sooner you end this, the sooner you will find your happiness. Once your out, only then will you realize how much better life is without him.

It's ok to miss him but you deserve someone better (much better than him).



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 7:55pm
OOH THIS MAKES ME SO MAD! It reminds me of my ex, Mannon. He used to pick fights with me for no reason, and whenever his friends would disrespect me, he'd take their side. Whenever he wanted me to tell him what was up, he wouldn't believe me, he'd believe his friends instead. I dumped his tired raggedy behind and haven't looked back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:58pm

The question isn't should you get out but why you've stayed in such a destructive relationship for so long. This guy doesn't respect himself so certainly can't respect you.


Get out and really devote yourself to figuring out why you remained in this self esteem lowering situation.


Good luck


Sherry

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:21pm
Hi everyone,

Thank you very much for your reply and advice. I guess i knew for a long time what I should do, but I just thought if I held on longer things would change. I think I always hoped that he'd go back to the person that I first met. I was wrong. I have decided to move on and I'm now looking for a place of my own.

My next worry is that I'm thinking that I should move while he's away on business, maybe leave him a long letter letting him know why I did it this way. It's not how I want things to end, but I can see us ending up in a big fight, If i try to leave him and move out while his home. He's the type that thinks that it's not over until he wants it to be.

I can see some major harrasment headed my way after i leave, but i believe in the end it would be worth leaving.

And how do I get over him? My best bet would be to avoid the places that he goes to, but how do i do that when i enjoy some of those same places too. I don't want to be home feeling lonely, because i'm also trying to avoid him.

Any ideas?

Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:00pm

Hello karib!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:21pm

I agree with moving out while he is away... if you have any idea that there might be a fight or he will harass you.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 4:01pm
Girl he's a half a step away from beating you up, Been there done that. You should come first right or wrong. Run girl. You are dirt to him. Sweep yourself up you deserve a hell of alot more.Let his friends f*^& him

kimik8