I think something is really wrong.......
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I think something is really wrong.......
| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 1:16am |
Okay let me lay it out for you. I am a 22-year-old female and recent gradute from college. I have a close family (eventhough my parents are divorced). For the past few months since graduation I've been living with my mom (I'm an only child), and I talk to my dad every 1-2 weeks or so. I'm doing well as far as family, friends, trying to find a career path and I consider myself a very spiritual person (praying and attending church regularly). Okay, here is the point: I have NEVER been in a relationship with the opposite sex. Yes, I've had guy friends and yes crushes, but nothing remotely romantic. I've never even been kissed before! One of the things I had to face about myself was the self-esteem issue. I grew up overweight and didn't think of myself as pretty and desired by guys my age. I thought I was smart, funny, talented, a good friend, an obedient daughter, but not as attractive as my thinner peers. In college I faced that and started to accept myself as I am (and that includes my physical beauty). Then there is my parents getting divorced. Seeing them fight and being so hurt always made me cautious about not falling for the wrong person. Especially since my dad was my mom's first REAL relationship at 19. They have been divorced for over 10 years and she hasn't had another romantic relationship. Not too long ago I started to feel like I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than to deal with a messy divorce because I saw the pain she went through. Plus she is always saying how now-a-days people are not really getting married anymore, and guys play all these games and lie and........the list goes on. Guys my age don't even approach me, they just kind of look at me from far away, but I'm so shy I never make the first move. I'm just really scared because I want a relationship, but I'm so scared that it will end badly or something.

She was upset because my dad had cheated on her. I love my mom and she has really helped me out in some ways and I respect her because she raised me as a single mother, BUT that doesn't mean she was right about men - and she should not have said those things to me at such a young age.
What happened to your mother does not have to happen to you. Even though divorce is more common now, not every divorce is AWFUL. I have friends around my age and older who have gotten divorces and they are still friends with their exes. Main reason most of the people i know who have gotten divorces, is because they got married too young. It sounds like that is what happened to your mom - she settled down way too young.
You aren't going to make that mistake. You are already 22 -- most marriage that happen after 25 last (it's when people get married between 18-24 that they are most likely to get a divorce).
Also children from divorced families don't all end up divorced. Actually a lot of them do worry about having divorce since their parents went thru it, so they pick their partners more carefully and really try to work out their problems. There are TONS of relationship books out there. As soon as you get in a relationship I recommend reading all the John Gray books "Men are from mars, women from venus" series and a booked called "the 5 love languages" People who realize that marriage takes work and are willing to do the work are more likely to succeed.
Another book out there, I don't know the name of the author, is called "questions to ask before you marry" which goes over many many different topics and will prepare you to merge your life with someone else.
Also before you get married, perhaps get premarital counseling... many churches require people to do some counseling before they married. Going thru these sessions (even if you and your man have no major problems) lowers your chances of divorce.
Now the reason I am listing all of that is to tell you that there are many things you and your future husband can do to prevent divorce. You should not avoid marriage or relationships just b/c you are scared yours might not work out.
Every time you drive a car, you could die. A drunk driver could crash into you, a bad guy flying 90 mph trying to get away from the police could slam into your car. BUT you still drive. You have to - to get to work or school or whatever.
That's just how marriage is. Yes, there's a chance something bad will happen but if you prepare and find the right person, and don't settle down too young, your chances of "crashing" aren't as high as someone who got married at 19, got no counseling, didn't read any books, and didn't really think it thru.
As far as finding a guy - there's books out there also about finding a man, how to get a man, how to keep a man. The thing I did was work on ME. Men can tell if you like yourself and if you have selfesteem and self confidence. I worked out, I had my hobbies and friends, I graduated from college, I worked a great job. Most men are attracted to women who have their own life, and take care of themselves.
The best way to meet someone in my opinion is thru friends, being hooked up, going on blind dates. Reason I feel this way? I met my man thru mutual friends. You can try going to the bar, but usually you won't find your soulmate there, but you do want to date around a lot before settling, You want to make sure you get the best guy for you.
You have to realize that we are ALL taking the same chance when we take the step into a relationship.
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