I waited for him to contact me but......
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| Thu, 02-23-2006 - 8:11pm |
now I am not sure if I may have annoyed him a bit. I did take you people's advice on here and I didnt contact him this week about meeting up. I did PM him yesterday because there was a flame war on the messageboard and someone insulted him. I PMd him to show my support and tell him not to leave the board because he had posted that he was thinking of leaving the board because of the flamer. He PMd me back thanking me for my support and he signed it "See you soon". This morning I PMd him about a question concerning San Diego (my best friend's mom wants to come to visit and she and her husband dont know where to stay and so I asked him for some suggestions). I was gone most of the day and he emailed me back about some hotel suggestions and about what happened with the flame war. He didnt mention anything about meeting up tomorrow, so I PMd him back thanking him and asking him if he still wanted to meet since he didnt address taht in the email.
This is what he wrote back:
B,
Can we put off getting together until Saturday?
I want to be germ free and alert. I'm a little drippy right now, and I'd hate to give you my germs. One more day should clear my head.
Sniffling S.
I then wrote back to him this:
S,
Saturday is fine by me. If you want to pick me up around noon like last week, that is fine too. I hope you feel better.BTW, if you need to contact me for anything, my cell number is 414-sss-ssss.Let me know how you want to do it. I finally finished updating my resume this morning and it would be great if you could take a look at it.
Take care of yourself,
This is what he PMd me back:
B,
I'll pick you up at noon, and hopefully I'll be healthy.
Later,
S
Does he sound annoyed in it? I wasnt trying to be annoying. Since he said Sat, I just asked him was it going to be like last time and I gave him the cell number because the last time he came to pick me up, he had mentioned he didnt have my cell number anymore and couldnt call me that he came earlier than usual.

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I would have written back... "Saturday sounds fine. I'll look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime, I hope you start to feel better soon!"
What you did when he asked if Saturday was ok, was to set the agenda - again, it's initiating on your part... "Yep, pick me up at 12, here's my number, oh and while you're here, I want you to do something for me."
I dunno if you've annoyed him, but if I were him, I'd feel pressured to get better, because you've told me what your expectations are, and I'd feel bad if I let you down.
Next time this happens and he wants to change the time/date, say sure, no problems and wait for HIM make the arrangements.
At any rate, good on you for at least sitting on your hands for most of the week. It's a start.
I have tried to sit on my hands most of the week, except for last night when I PMd him my support when someone flamed him about something he posted. A bunch of people also PMd him their support. He PMd me thanking me for it. This morning, I PMd him about a question I had concerning my best friend's parents coming to visit San Diego and where to stay. He emailed me back an answer. So, yes, I have not been bothering him.
As for setting the agenda, I sometimes will do that if I get nervous or worried about things. I do want to hang out with him and I get worried abotu things. As for asking him to do something for me, I had asked him once before to read my resume and he said when we get together he would do that for me.
I tend to get impatient. I know that. It took me a lot of patience and restraint to not try to set up plans yesterday. Patience is not a virtue of mines.
He's not "annoyed". At least not yet.
Basically, he doesn't consider you someone to ivolve with because he considers nobody a potential for involvement. He'snot ready and cannot have "a relationship of commitment".
Period, the end.
So here's you deperating wanting attention, diversion, inclusion....
what the constant theme here is this.....when anybody makes a tentative suggestion, or a tentative plan.....you jump all over it trying to finalize it, guarantee it, facilitate it, or to allow you to be more integral to the process so that you're guaranteed inclusion.
He says he doesn't feel good........your response "but do you still want to see me".
His answer sure but let's right now put it to Saturday and see if I feel better.
Your response "Well, I culd pick you up, adn I could do this that, and that way you don't have to make that much effort to see me as you're not that well, but let's make a plan."
He has no reason to be annoyed. He's got th epicture loud and clear if he's astute or even halfway socially intelligent.
You're nobody with nothing to do, you're terrified, lonely, insecure, totally incapable of forming a life. That whenever he wants someone to do something with, or he needs an ego boost, or a ride to the airport - you'll be 210% available and will be there the night efore - just to be sure he doesn't find someon else to do it for him.
HE's not going to get annoyed or disassociate until every time he makes a suggestion, or has a comment you're doing what you do here.....basically forcing gently him into a commitment for a meeting - because you have nothing to do.
HEre's what happens to people like you - I know i was you for YEARS.
Basically, you send the message to the world I'm vailable 24/7 for your needs, on your terms. YOu sit around making sure the car has gas, the clothes are ironed, everything is tocked...you just never know when someone is going to call and want something, or want to do something and you don't want to make them wait or have to say no, or stress about preparedness.
so you're prepared to go anywhere, anytime, with anybody.....however, the only time that people call you is when they want you to do something for them...that really doesn't involve contact with them overmuch. "Hey, you work by the drycleaners. Would youmight running over there an dpicking up my $100 worth of cleaning and dropping it off at my office on your way home from work. My secretary will be there till 9pm, so it doesnt matter how late you arrive tonight. Idon't need it till the weekend."
And you're the sort to do it...unrealistically thinking because you've done this and there is something in the "weekend" that might include you. If you even think that far - so delighted to be included in teh chore to begin with.
So he has nthing to be annoyed at. YOu're an easily managed annoyance and can become a convenience, if the person you're wanting contact with knows how to manage the overall situation. All they've got to do is never commit or guarantee to do anything WITH you, while keeping you buzzing on tasks that involve very little interact with you either.
that sure beats paying someone to run your errands and do your chores.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
For the other poster, PM means Private Messaging. On that messageboard we can send private messages to other people, kind of like emails.
As for you wingblade2005, I am getting tired of your attitude towards me. You adopt a condescending attitude towards me and belittle me. I am not some little girl. I am a person with feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc. Your post hurts my feelings. I dont wait around for him. Besides when we did go out, he took me around, showed me around and he paid for my meal, except for the last time when I insisted on paying to keep the playing field even.So, it isnt like he is getting any freebies from me (like a free meal, me driving him around, etc). I havent bothered him a lot on that messageboard or showed him that I was needy to him or anything like that. I have PMd him once or twice this week and they were both very normal, non-threatening PMs. In the first one, I PMd him my support (along with other people) when someone tried to flame him on there. He PMd me back something nice and then later PMd me something funny. This morning I PMd him about something about San Diego since I thought he would know about it, nothing real personal. I didnt ask him about tomorrow until he actually emailed me about what he knew about my question concerning San Diego. Since he didnt address meeting up, I went and asked him about it.
All I want him for is a friend. I havent tried to bother him, annoy him, or do anything that would show him that I was interested in him anything other than a friend. I guess I shouldnt have been so forward or pushy with the second email about setting the time, etc. I guess I shouldnt. I guess I should just have taken the second poster's advice and done what she would have done and said, "Sat is fine with me, let me know, and BTW, hope you feel better soon". If he PMs me tomorrow and cancels out, I am not going to care. I really dont care. Somebody told me that I worry too much and that I like to read between the lines for anything negative when there ISNT ANYTHING NEGATIVE TO BE READ. Yes, I am like that.
The Sat thing, I dont even know if it is going to happen. He might cancel tomorrow because he's sick. If he does, I am just going to let it go and see what happens down the road. As for Sat., it really isnt good for me because I have some plans for that day but if he can do it Sat., I will move my plans to later in the day, but he doesnt have to know about that now, does he??? NOT!!!
I dont plan on PMing him tonight or tomorrow. I will probably be on the messageboard on and off, but the ball is in HIS court. If he doesnt want to play, he can throw the ball right back.
I dont care anymore!!!!!
Here's a really good suggestion that was given to me about 10 years ago when I was alot like you.
For every minute that you spending thinking about him or situations regarding him every MINUTE......put a piece of paper in your pocket and a pen and put a slash mark.
For every minute you spend emailing, IM'-ing and talking to him - put another mark.
At the end of the day - look at how many marks you have on the paper. It's important to be honest and record every minute.
So when you look at the paper, you'll probably see why you're so concerned about the contact, the interaction potential - you're spending ALOT of time on someting that does not exist....and it makes you want to make it happen because you're spending so much time on and in it - when he's not around at all.
count up the minutes....and then go and do something strictly on your own, for yourself, that has NOTHING to do with anybody else or benefits anybody else - every day for the same amount of minutes.
That way you're allowed to invest as much in posibilities as you want...because i demands that you invest that much time also in reality - in yourself.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
If he doesnt want to play, he can throw the ball right back.
I failed to put this in the original response.
The statement above is how you perceive it......but that is not how life really works in adult interaction.
But using your metaphor is good - you're in a game of tennis with him and you're on one side of the net, him the other.
You do have a ball in play.....but if he doesn't want to play anymore what he won't do is serve the ball back, he'll walk off the court. That is how there will not be a ball in play.
Alot of times if we're overeager for contact for whatever reason, and we're insecure and take everything personally to the negative as a reflection on us......we tend to play verbal and contact "tennis" with another person in the following manner:
They serve the ball in an non-aggresssive way - and we hit it back in a way that ensures they can hit it back, and won't have to reach in order to hit the ball.
So they hit the ball back of course because they're "in the game" - not becuase of how you hit the ball.
when they hit it back to you, you again hit it to where they can easily reach it and this continues.......they hit the ball wherever on the court they want to aim it - and you run, dodge, and exert alot of effort to hit it, while making very sure you hit the ball in a place where they do not have to reach or run to return the ball to you.
After awhile, that gets boring. It's not tennis for them.....it's not fun. So they begin to make strides to leave the court. That angers you for having been so aggressively having to reach for their turns, while placing in their path your easily served ball, so you "zing" it across the court with aggression. They're leaving but now this ball is coming at them and it appears NOW you're finally wanting to play tennis - vs "toss".
so they come back, get into position, want to play tennis - not toss. The second you have thier attention agin - you go back to hitting the ball softly and easily within thier reach, they don't stick around as long for this, and they turn to go - you repeat the aggressive return....and this could go on as long as they hve nothing better to do.
But at some point they're going to want to play more than toss, and this teasing them with a "tennis" serve and volley occasionally is frustrating. So they really do turn to walk off.......and they keep going when you serve that ball aggressively over th e net...and when they keep going you take your second ball and you throw it at them and scream and cry that they're rejecting you, in light of all the effort that you put into the game.
You're putting entirely too much time into something that doesn't really exist. When you two are togetheer or are in contact - enjoy it for waht it is, get accustomed to spontaneous response...and when you're not around him - don't think about him or his "problems' as if they are your own.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hi. I just felt the need to put my two cents in.
A couple of years ago, I was a mess. I was in a long term verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and called off my wedding. I used to post every day and dwell on everything. I remember wingblade because she made me so mad! But, the reason she made me so mad was that she was dead on with her assessment. The truth hurts and makes you angry. I felt as if she was being condescending too. I know the words are harsh, but they are meant to open your eyes. When I look back now, I can't believe I was as pathetic as I was. I sometimes revert into that again and dwell on things when my life isn't going well and I have to slap myself.
The point is, you can't sit around and wait for a guy because you're wasting precious time. Time where you could be doing something that makes YOU happy and your happiness wouldn't hinge on whether or not the guy is coming to get you. Life is too short for that. And, when you are that person that finds things you enjoy and are busy, it makes you a more desirable person to be with because you're strong and independent and you don't need anyone. So the fact that you are spending time with someone is because you want to and not because you had nothing else to do that day. I'm not saying that you are that person, but sometimes when you are so available for someone, you are perceived to be that person.
So, I understand that her message hit you where you didn't want it to, but someday you probably will look back and know that she was right. I know it's blunt, but sometimes that is the only thing that will wake someone up.
Erin, I like your metaphor and also your idea about marking down how many times I think about him in a given day and taken all that and using that time for myself. Personally, I think in order to be able to not think about him and stuff like that is that I need to pull myself away from that messageboard. That board is addictive and I go on there all the time when I should be out job hunting, etc.
If it does go off tomorrow, in terms of us meeting, it may be the last time I meet up with him because I dont think he will want to meet up with me again. I am not sure. I have noticed something and this is maybe me overreacting a bit, since last night, when I go on the messageboard and he's around, sometimes he jumps off. He did that this morning too when I was on there but then he came back on while I was there. On that board, you can tell who is on the board and who isnt. I also know that he PMs with one other lady a lot on there and I went and PMd her too but not about him or anything like that, just a conversation about her avatar and her artwork, nothing serious. She was the one who also went and publicly in a post supported him when he was being flamed by someone else. I just jumped in at the tail end of it.
I may be overrreacting on there but I occasionally will lurk as a visitor on there to see what people are doing w/o having people know I am there.
This is stupid, I know and I should just pull myself away from the board and not care and do something constructive with my life, like find a job, find some friends, etc.
I wish I knew about this board a few years ago. Wingblade could have saved me a lot of grief! I wasted a lot of time on my exbf. We were on and off for 3 years. It was a cycle. I would get sick of his nonresponsiveness and inconsideration and break up with him. He would call me and weezle his way back into my life. I'd make him sweat for awhile and finally let him back into my life. He'd quickly revert to his old ways. I'd break up again.
Renaissance woman, good for you for getting off that board. I wouldn't even see him tomorrow for that last date. He is not even worth an hour of your time.
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