I want him back!!
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| Thu, 11-24-2005 - 11:29pm |
I had been dating Tony for 10 months. He was possessive, jealous and insecure, but I guess who isn't considering that's all I had dated in the past. About the last month we had been fighting and fighting. Nothing seemed to go right. When we weren't fighting it was the best relationship I had ever been in, on the other hand when we fought, we fought and it was bad. (Nothing physical, just a lot of emotional words said) Last week was my birthday on the 17th and he planned on taking me to a huge mall out of state. He is selling his car and really didn't want to drive, but if it came down to it then he said he would. I told him I would just drive, but to just give me gas money. So I drove to the mall. Everything was fine, until about 5-10mins into the drive, he made a stupid comment about me bleaching my mustache (just like every girl does) and I flipped out. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't have flipped out like that. I don't know what had come over me. I think it was just a combo of me driving, him saying that comment, and the fact that I was merging over three lanes to get over to the exit! To make a long, awful b-day story short :-( We didn't talk at all on the way up there, while we were there (we split up in the mall) and on the way home. I was so upset about the whole situation, that when he called me at home, I started saying all these nasty, mean, things to him. Such as: "how he ruined my b-day" "how depressed he is, and how it's affecting me now"! "how I regret going out with him, and how the past 10 months were a waste".
Now that I think about everything I said, I don't seem to remember the exact words said, because I don't think I was in the right state of mind. The next day I called him and asked him what was going on with us and he said that "judging by the night before, he didn't think we were together anymore"! So we had broken up on the 18th which would have been considered our 10th month anniversary. We talked on the Monday 21st and I wanted him back, but he said he could never accept me back, judging by the harsh words I had said to him. But he completely thru me off, because I told him I was sorry and that I wanted to give it another try. He did say something like "well you know, you're going to have to give me some time, because what you said to me, was pretty bad"! I took that as a possibility!. My last words to him were "well I'm going to let you go, ok? Give me a call later"! and he sounded happy! He never called...
I called him the next night, and he never answered and never called back! Now judging by what had happened the few nights before, I though we were going to give it another try! When I finally did talk to him on Wednesday 23rd, I asked him what was up with us, and he said nothing, were done! I was completely thrown off guard. I told him, that he didn't make himself clear on Monday, and he said "oh well I'm sorry” so we ended it for final on a good note, because I didn't want my last words to him “I hate you" or something harsh like that.
Which brings us to today? I really want him back, I see exactly what I had done wrong, I didn't change and neither did he and I believe we would be able to work on our relationship again and make it better, just like in the beginning.
Does anyone belief that we could make this work? Or am I the only one who thinks that? I was thinking that, I should just give him time to think... If he decides he would want to give it another try, then it was meant to be, if not then it wasn't. I know what I did was wrong, and I've told him how sorry I was and he knows that, but he kept telling me "you just don't say those things to someone you love"
Please help anyone, just some thoughts or comments on this whole situation would be helpful. I want some other opinions. I am going crazy, I want to know if I should "try" with him, or should I "try" to start a new life with someone else?
Edited 11/25/2005 12:26 am ET by designlisa

It's a toxic relationship, let it go.
You didn't do anything wrong. Any guy with half a brain should know not to comment about a woman's beauty regimen! There are some guys out there who just seem to find a way to wreck what could be a great day! He said some pretty nasty stuff to you and used emotional blackmail on you and he has the audacity to put all the blame on you?
Let me tell you something. You don't want him back! Toxic relationships are all you've ever experienced, so this bloke is looking pretty darn good to you. But I'm here to tell you, you can do better! I've been in a few toxic relationships myself and I refuse to get into another. The first sign of toxicity, I'm outta there! Maybe that's why I'm still single. But my theory is, no relationship is better than a bad one.
Sounds like you both said some things that, at least on your part, you wish you wouldn't have said. Unfortunately, who knows if he regrets saying what he said. It was insensitive of him to make the bleaching your mustache comment; however, the reaction from you wasn't positive, either. And, he's focusing on that, apparently, rather than owning up that he had a role in this too! After all, it takes two to argue right?!
As for << He did say something like "well you know, you're going to have to give me some time, because what you said to me, was pretty bad"! I took that as a possibility!.>>
While that's fine to take that as a possibility, what you didn't give was the time he asked for ....
<< My last words to him were "well I'm going to let you go, ok? Give me a call later"! and he sounded happy! He never called...>>
While you said, "give me a call later" ... he didn't AGREE to call you ... would it be safe to say that because you said "give me a call later" that you assumed he would?
<< I called him the next night, and he never answered and never called back! >>
He said he needed some time. In the future, don't call when someone says they need time or space. Just accept it. That way, you're not going to get confused or disappointed when the person doesn't call you back. After all, if they don't call back, they're simply doing what they said they needed (giving themselves time).
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When you did finally talk, was it him or you that called?
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Well, he did, actually ... he said he needed time. You said "give me a call" ... there was an expectation that wasn't agreed upon. I don't see that you have reason to be "completely thrown off guard" considering that he DID say that he needed time. Is is possible that you heard what you wanted to hear, or had the expectation that just because you said "give me a call" that he would?
<< but he kept telling me "you just don't say those things to someone you love" >>
It seems that he believes that the things you said were more hurtful to him than what he said to you. And, based on the things that you said were said to him, those are some pretty harsh words.
Basically, if he wants to chalk up this one incident as the demise of your relationship, so be it. Though you don't believe that it was a case of either of you changing, perhaps it was just a bad day (which we all have!) ... he may be seeing it as a sign of character or emotion/impuluse control. And, if he doesn't like what he's seeing, by all means ... he's entitled to how he feels about that. We're all entitled to our feelings.
I wouldn't continue trying. Let him come around, if he wants to ... he will. I can guarantee, he's going to respond much better to giving him time and space, then he will to trying to get him back.