I want him, what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
I want him, what do I do?
5
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:35pm
Ok, here is my situation summed up. I got a trainer and not too long after I started training with him we had sex and still do. And that was about 6 months ago. I had feelings for him, but he mad it clear he didn't want a relationship. We have become pretty good friends and hang out about 3 to 4 times a week. I met his roommate a while back but his roommate is always gone at work. About a month ago my trainers roommate and I hung out a few times and there was definitely some connection there. Then he told me he liked me and I told him I liked him too. Lets call me trainer Bob and his roommate Joe. We hung out everyday for about a week or two before he left to go home to visit his family. We held hands, had cute kisses, and made out. So Joe and I talked about I guess future stuff one night and this is kinda how the conversation went..I told him that it kinda sucked that he was gonna be gone for so long(because he has to go back to work and is gonna be gone for about 3-4 months straight, maybe back a few times each month..he has some things to pay off)because I liked him. He said he liked me too and that it wasn't like he wasn't coming back. And I asked him if he wanted me to stop having sex with Bob, just to see what he would say..and Joe said yes, but he didn't think it was fair of him to ask me that when he wasn't gonna be here to take care of me. I said I understood. He told me that when he got back from his 3-4 month working spree he would just tell Bob that he kinda had feelings for me. But he was like I dunno what I'll say. And Joe and I kept all of our kissing and lovey dovey stuff from Bob. Joe didn't want Bob to know yet because he doesnt know how he will react. Bob and Joe have been friends since high school and they are 26 now. They are really close and close with each others families too. Then Joe and I had a romantic night together and had sex. Then we had sex the day before he left. So he left and came back and when he came back we hung out but he acted weird. There was no kissing or holding hands. He was still very nice and gentleman like though. Then the day after he got back he left to go to work. So I emailed him and told him I didn't understand what was going on and I was confused bla bla bla. He emailed me back and pretty much said he loved hanging out with me and had a lot of fun with me but he doesn't want to find out how Bob feels about us, so we could only be friends. He said he didnt want to jepradize him and Bobs friendship. He also said he got out of a kinda bad breakup with a girl he had been with for a long time onl 6 months ago so he wasnt ready to jump into anything. He said he was sorry and he still wanted to be friends and to not hate him. There was really something between us. I haven't liked someone in a long time and he was so great to me in only that short period of time. I know he liked me and it definitely didnt seem like a thing where he wanted to just have sex. He said he really felt guilty about us having sex because of Bob. Bob and I have become close and so I dont know if Joe thinks Bob likes me or what. But I don't want a relationship with Bob. I want Joe! What do I do? He will be back for a couple of days in mid January. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 8:31am
I'd quit talking to Bob and having sex with Bob. Then I would wait a few months afterwhich I would contact Joe and see whether he wants to get together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:52am
I agree with the other poster, stop seeing Bob and believe Joe that he's not interested in anything right now. He's got things a little backwards anyway. It's ok to sleep around with you behind Bob's back, but not ok for Bob to know about it. What kind of honor system is that? Sounds like a red flag to me. You're all consenting adults here so that end of things is fine, but his take on things is not correct. He's either proud to be with you or not. In this case, not.
These guys are 26, but how old are you? Some people are able to take a casual sex thing to the next level, but it's not the norm. I think that Joe saw an opportunity here and got exactly what he was after with a 'fun girl'. You never presented yourself as a serious contender for a commited relationship, only someone out for a good time. You are now wanting to change the rules of play, but he's told you that he doesn't want more. Believe him and move on from both of these guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 5:11pm
Well, before Joe told me he liked me I told him I didn't want another sex buddy like Bob. I told him I wasn't looking for that and it was a mistake with Bob anyways. So, was that not clear enough? Do you still think he was just in it to have a little fun and that's it. I am 23. I have never had any treat me as well as Joe did in that short period of time that we spent together. He would open the car door for me and then go to his door, we went to my Christmas party for work and he made my salad and then asked me what kind of dressing I wanted and put the dressing on my salad, he went and got a glass of wine when I was conversating with my employees and he asked me if I wanted a glass and I said yes and he gave me his and went to go get him another glass, we went out to eat and he asked what I wanted and ordered for me, and that was infront of Bob. I thought that Joe had feelings for me and I guess couldn't resist them so he hid them from Bob and now he feels bad about doing it behind Bobs back, but I guess I was just being nieve and wishful...? So I guess I should stop talking to both of them and then in a few months call Joe up and see if he wants to meet up? Should I try to see Joe when he comes into town in a couple of weeks? If so, should I call him and see if he wants to meet up for lunch or something or should I wait for him to call me, if he even does? And if he does, should I meet up with him or not? If he calls, is acting like I am busy and I might not be able to meet up with him, but then call and say I can make it be something good to do? I really want to see him when he comes in, but if I shouldn't let me know. Thanks for your advise. I am pretty ignorant when it comes to love advice for myself and not for others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 7:11pm

To recap:

You're sleeping with your personal trainer - so you're paying for sex - because sex is also a physical workout. There's no emotional bond or attachment, there's no desire on either part to date one another or form a relationship. Obviously you are not sexually excuslive with Bob. It's unlikely Bob is sexually exclusive with you either.

You like the roommate of Bob - which is Joe. I'm sure Bob has explained that you two have a sex only relationship, and that he's being paid to help you work out in every capacity, he's not exclusive with you - and that you have no problem wtih casual sex. That you're one of the few women that can "drop the panties, drop to your knees" and then drop off the planet without crying or kissing - whenever you get your Big O.

So Joe's quite aware that Bob has a free pass to no obligation sex, and that you're into no obligation sex as well.

Joe apparently had no problem being around you, kissing, hugging, and actually having sex with you as well. You think you two talked about "a future together" - I think in reality Joe was talking about the fact he wasn't going to be around for awhile and he was talking about "his personal future". But that's not really an issue of contention.

The basic jist is this.......Joe knows that you're into casual sex. He knows you're having casual sex with Bob. Bob may or may not be willing to let his no obligation sex card (you) be accessed by "his friends". Some guys are not for that - they don't want you in a relationship, but they certainly don't want other guys dipping their wick in your oil...particularly guys they know.

You pretty much made it clear to Joe that you have GOT to have an outlet for sexual release. You asked him "do you want me to stop doing Bob?" and he said "no, becuase i won't be around to service you".

It's possible Bob knows nothing about this liason with Joe...and Joe doesn't want him finding out becuase Bob would be upset that he's taking advantage of "free sex" - the way that Bob himself is.

It's also very possible that bob knew in advance what Joe was after, and had Bob's blessing. That Bob said he didn't care about you - you were a good lay, go ahead since he was leaving and probably didn't know when he'd get some in a new location.

Most guys don't "date" or make a girlfriend out of a "dude without a di#$" - which is precisely how they both regard you. They figure you can have casual sex like a man - that it means nothing but physical gratification, that means that you're not what they "understand" emotionally as female -and they're not interested in dating or forming a relationship with you.

But they're happy to hang around if you want sexual gratification or if you're into whatever sports or interests they're in - if you can compete like a man, and take your licks like a man, and lose or win like a man - without upset or tears.

If you want ot be with Joe again - it's possible the only way it'd happen is if you approach Bob, explain that you want a 3some - and it needs to include Joe. You'd need to be specific about that. Most guys think of 3-some and thing "2 girls, 1 guy" -and I'm sure Bob or Joe would go for that if you have a hottie friend that you wouldn't mind going up and down and all over on, while they do the same.

But if two buddies decide to have a 3-some with one chick - it's basically to see who can make her moan louder, or claw the carpet deeper - or who can give her the worst rug burn. IT becomes a competition - so don't get it confused. They wouldn't be there to pleasure and seduce, to tickle and be gentle - it'd be a wham, bam session of paramount proportions - they're trying to see who's a "better" man - not just who's a bigger man. They can find out who's a bigger man - by going to the bathroom and whipping it out and comparing length.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 8:14pm

I would highly suggest you stop having sex with these two men. They are old friends and will not allow a woman to come between them. Congrats to Joe for making that clear to you. Don't come between these two men and I would suggest you find a new trainer. A female trainer to ensure you don't sleep with another one.

F