I want out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
I want out...
2
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:01pm
Hello everyone, this is my story.. I'm 25, he's 31. We've been dating for a little over 3 years. He's always been kinda grumpy, he makes a fuss over everything, he's really finicky and demanding sometimes, he's always been that way and I always tolerated it. In fact I always manage to "adapt" to his demands in order to avoid an argument. His friends and family know he's a spoiled brat but he's not their boyfriend, so they brush it off, sometimes they even laugh it off as if he's a child. As it's probably obvious to any of you I got pretty sick of it and I've been trying to break up. We did a few months ago over a rumor about him cheating on me (as if his demanding ways weren't enough) but he denied everything and begged me to come back. So... obviously I did. For the last three months we fell into a kind of "emotional honeymoon" where everything seemed perfect. Now we're fighting again, he likes to argue about things that quite frankly, I don't even bother thinking about. So now I'm thinking we are exactly in the same spot as before, our relationship doesn't seem to evolve. He's really smart and the last time we argued he accused me of not loving him, and said I'm using these flareups as an excuse to break up. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to get out of this relationship but he always seems to turn things around, makes me feel guilty and somehow we seem to keep seeing each other (I think it's kind of like an addiction). Of course there are many good things in our relationship too, but I feel like I can still find someone even better for me than him. Another thing, I might move to my parents town because I have a great job offer from a close friend of my mothers' and he expects me to stay here with him. So every time we fight he says that I'm using these fights to get rid of him and fly away to a better life somewhere else. In part it's true but I'd stay if I were sure it's worth it. But every time we argue I feel I'll do much better on my own and with a great new job (which is, if I accept, a huge leap in my career and pocket LOL ). So the point is, I made up my mind to end this relationship but how can I do this the best way possible? Even though sometimes he's a jerk, he has his good things and I would really like it if we could at least be friends. I feel so swamped, so confused, so guilty sometimes but yet, I really want the best for me in every way...help!

P.S. I'm so stressed about this I started to chew on my nails..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
In reply to: carola150
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 3:06pm
I think your best bet is to tell him the truth. Tell him that accepting this new job would be a great career move for you and you believe you'd be crazy not to take it. Then tell him that although he has many great qualities, the fighting is just too much for you to handle and that you believe it's best if you break up. Then leave. Sure, I believe that he will argue with you and turn it around (like you stated) but don't let it get to you. If you're stressed out this much over his behavior than the relationship isn't worth it. Best of luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
In reply to: carola150
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 4:55pm
You want out? No, you don't. If you really did, you'd get out, and it's just that simple. Recognize that you are in a co-dependent situation for which you are at least 50% responsible. AT LEAST.

"....he always seems to turn things around, makes me feel guilty and somehow we seem to keep seeing each other (I think it's kind of like an addiction)."

This is just an excuse. It's you rationalizing the fact that you are CHOOSING to remain in this relationship.

"I made up my mind to end this relationship but how can I do this the best way possible?"

There is no "best way", hon, other than to do it with kindness and without anger or malice. Again, you are rationalizing your choice to stay in the relationship.

"Even though sometimes he's a jerk, he has his good things and I would really like it if we could at least be friends."

Grow up, dear. Sometimes it's not wise to try and remain friends after a relationship. This sounds like one of them.

If and when you're really ready to leave, you will.