I want relationship. He doesnt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
I want relationship. He doesnt?
19
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 12:03am

Met this guy thru mutual friends. He's great. We really click.

But, he is going through a divorce. The papers have been filed. But, my friends say he's a nice guy, etc but are disuading me from dating him. They say that he isn't looking for a relationship & they know I am. They don't want me to get hurt, etc.

Trouble is, we just hooked-up last night. I just couldnt resist him. He's been very sweet. He even stayed all afternoon & we just talked & talked. (I didnt find out about the relationship thing until today.)

He hasnt directly come out & said this. Could my friends be wrong?

I just want to date him & see where it goes. Is there a chance? Or, do I just cut all ties with him? He does seem genuinely interested though.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 12:45am

If you want a relationship and he doesn't, you are almost certainly going to end up getting hurt. But it's a good idea to ASK him directly what he is looking for at this point in his life, rather than going on hearsay and gossip.

But aside from that, dating men who are only separated and not divorced is not a great idea, however, even if he says he wants a relationship. Most are "walking wounded" and don't really know what they want. I personally have a policy of not dating anyone whose divorce hasn't been *final* for at least a year.

He may well be genuinely interested--but what is he interested in? It could be he's only interested in a "sex and companionship" type of relationship with no possibility of commitment.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 1:43am

Thanks for your response Sheri.

I realize I might get hurt. But, I've already fallen for him. (Before we even slept together.) If I could build the perfect guy it would be him. If he walked away now I'd already feel the sting.

I have never had to contemplate dating a seperated man before. But, the papers are certainly filed & it should be final in a month or two.

I know I should just ask him. I dont want to scare him off & have him assume I want something serious right away. I want to get to know him better, date & see what happens. Is there a way to ask what he wants & convey my needs without freaking him out?

He even messaged me this evening to see if I was mad at him. That things were ackward when he dropped me off. They were. (I got quiet, wouldnt look him in the eye, etc.) I had explained that I had no idea what to do when getting out. I didnt know whether to kiss him or hug him. He said "me too". I'm hoping since he was concerned with my feelings, maybe he does like me?

This afternoon he asked me all sorts of things. What college I attended, my degree. If I played sports or instruments, etc. F- buddies dont ask this typically. Right?

Ah, I over-analyze too much! I appreciate anyone listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 7:44am

I tend to over-analyze too, but as I said elsewhere, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.

Here is what I am hearing in your message:

(1) You know you might get hurt.
(2) You're attracted enough that you are willing to take the risk of being hurt.
(3) You'd like advice on how to handle the situation to improve your chances of getting something going with this guy.

I think you're right to worry that if you talk about your concerns with him you will frighten him. He is probably not sure where he wants to go with your relationship right now.

What I would do is bring that out into the open. I'd say something like, "I know you are going through a transitional period in your life, but if we are going to continue seeing each other, this is what I need from you," and then I'd spell out some moderate expectations (that the relationship will be exclusive, for example) and assure him that I am willing to "take it slow" but that if things work out between you, you'd like to have a long-term relationship with him (or whatever it is you want). Then see what he responds and take it from there.

Good luck!

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 10:20am

Well, it's my firm belief that it's impossible to "scare off" someone who's right for you, so I don't worry about scaring someone off by asking straightforward questions to get the information I need to make an informed decision about embarking on a relationship or not. Honestly, if a guy "freaks out" because you ask a question about what type of relationship he's looking for, is that a guy you want to be with?

And if a guy thinks so little of you and your judgment that he assumes you are asking what type of relationship he wants means you want to get serious right away, then again, is that really someone you want to date?

I've never found this to be an issue, frankly. I just ask, early on. I can't think of one guy who has "freaked out" (but a number have made it clear that they were not looking for a serious relationship, which is good to know early on). Of course, the fact that you have already slept together makes it a little harder to make clear that you're asking for what he's looking for *in general*, not with you specifically (because obviously it's way too soon for either of you to know that) but you should be able to convey that when you talk.

My feeling is, if someone is afraid to ask the question, it's because their instinct is telling them the answer isn't going to be what they want to hear. All the more reason to ask, IMO.

As for the "liking you" thing and asking questions--do you honestly believe that there is NO type of relationship that falls in between FWB and serious, committed relationship??? There's a whole continuum in between! He can like you and be interested in you as a person and still just want sex and companionship and have no intent of working towards a serious, committed relationship. I don't understand why there's this mentality that it has to be either/or and there's no possibility of in-between. There is.

As for the fact that you've fallen for him...believe me, it will be much easier to extricate yourself NOW than if you wait for a few months and continue to see him and fall for him even more. You are taking a huge risk with little chance of a positive outcome (assuming you want a serious LTR)...and I know from experience that as much as you say you're ok with the risk, it hurts like heck to end it months down the road when it becomes clear that there's no chance of things progressing. I'm going through that now and it sucks. I wish I'd walked away 8 or 9 months ago when it became clear we weren't on the same page but I was willing to run the risk and thought I could handle it. Yeah, right.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 10:27am

Given that he's apparently TOLD his friends he doesn't want a serious relationship right now, I guess I'm not completely in agreement that he doesn't know what he wants. Unless the friends are total liars, there's got to be some basis for them telling her that, and she needs to find out what that is.

But the talk you've laid out is much along the lines of how I'd approach it...make it clear what her relationship goal is and see what he says in response.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 7:36pm

I agree that the guy probably doesn't want "a serious relationship" right now. But "Do I want to get serious or not?" is not the only way the guy may be undecided.

For example, there is the question of exclusivity. A person may be willing to date only one person on a "friends with benefits" basis and still agree to exclusivity. (I know two cases where that has worked out for a number of years.) Is this guy willing to be exclusive even though he isn't ready to be "serious"?

Another example might be to what extent does he accept the responsibilities of a friend. He doesn't need to be "serious" and commit to a relationship where he has to meet the bulk of her emotional needs, help her with her car and her garden, attend social and family events with her, etc. But is he ready to be a friend that she can turn to when she has a special problem? Is he ready to do small favors for her the way friends do for each other? What are his limits? How does he define being "serious" as opposed to "not serious"? She needs to know that.

My guess is that this guy may not want the responsibility of the "serious relationship" but is looking for some of the closeness associated with a serious relationship. Otherwise, why is he flirting with her, sleeping with her, etc.? So he may be giving her mixed messages even while he is telling his friends that he doesn't want a serious relationship. Which is why she needs to talk to him.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 11:26pm

Have I mentioned I hate dating? Lol.

I appreciate everyone's input. I realize I should talk to him.

I actually dont think I will "scare" him. I just cant figure out how to say I dont want anything SERIOUS right now but I want to later on? Does that even make sense?

I'm pretty much on the rebound too. I still have feelings for my exe. But, I do want to pursue this guy. However, I dont want to be used for sex & I dont want to be FBs. I just want to start slow & see where it goes. Gee, I guess I could just tell him that! :D

My gut is telling me this is a decent guy dealing with a broken heart. I really don't think he will use me. We have still been talking. I do agree with "is looking for some of the closeness associated with a serious relationship". I just dont know how to play the middle of FBS or LTR. Isnt that how most relationships start, anyway? You start in the middle & then in turns into something more?

I'm getting good vibes from the guy. I should just chill out & stop freaking out!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:01am

I don't agree that it's mixed messages, at all. Someone can want sex and companionship without wanting a serious relationship. That's part of that big continuum between FWB on one hand and serious LTR on the other hand that I was talking about.

I do agree though that she needs to talk to him about things like exclusivity and where in the continuum he might fall. But my main point is, she shouldn't make the mistake of concluding that because he wants more than FWB, that must mean he wants a serious LTR. There's a huge amount of gray area, if you will, in between.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:11am

Elarisa gave you a perfect script that says exactly that, IMO, a couple posts back.

It's up to you to define the middle. Decide what you want and communicate that. But DO NOT assume that he will change his mind if he tells you he doesn't want a serious relationship. So many women do that and end up hurt. Believe him if he tells you that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:56pm

Well, I hope I did the right thing. After a long dissection of what to say, a "writer" friend & I came up with this...

"Do you feel like hanging out and getting a drink or something? I had a lot of fun at our little slumber party the other night, but I really hope that didn't give you the wrong idea about me. I'm not just trolling for a f buddy or anything like that. I don't usually move quite so fast, but then again, I usually don't click with guys quite so fast. So anyway, let me know if you're up for doing something."

I know it wasn't exactly what y'all were thinking. But, I thought this was a great, non-threatening approach to see how he acts. I thought it conveyed that I didnt want to be fbs, but that I still liked him & wanted to get to know him better. I figured he would either ask what I WAS looking for, would disappear or would just take me out & get to know me better.

Was it okay? I already sent it. He has read it but hasnt responded yet. (It's only been a few hours & it IS Friday night.) OF course, I am still freaking out. :(

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