I want relationship. He doesnt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
I want relationship. He doesnt?
19
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 12:03am

Met this guy thru mutual friends. He's great. We really click.

But, he is going through a divorce. The papers have been filed. But, my friends say he's a nice guy, etc but are disuading me from dating him. They say that he isn't looking for a relationship & they know I am. They don't want me to get hurt, etc.

Trouble is, we just hooked-up last night. I just couldnt resist him. He's been very sweet. He even stayed all afternoon & we just talked & talked. (I didnt find out about the relationship thing until today.)

He hasnt directly come out & said this. Could my friends be wrong?

I just want to date him & see where it goes. Is there a chance? Or, do I just cut all ties with him? He does seem genuinely interested though.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 12:56am

Oh, dear. That is NOT something to discuss by email, this is a conversation that needs to happen in person. You really need to be able to see the person's reactions in order for it to be effective, so you can adjust your approach as needed in the moment.

Oh, well, what's done is done, but I don't think this approach is going to get you the information you want and need. You're beating around the bush. If he responds to the email and wants to see you again, table the discussion until you see him in person and take it up then.

On a separate issue, why are you asking HIM out again...has he not called since you slept with him?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 1:04am

:( Oops. Great.

Well, I figured the email would be the less severe way to go. I figured if he just wanted to be FBs he would just disappear. I had plan on this being the "buffer" & then us getting together later to discuss it.

Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have asked him out. But, I thought he genuinely liked me & I had nothing to lose. He does seem to have pretty low self-esteem. I thought I should make it obvious that I liked him. Hell...I don't know.

No, he hasnt called. We've been conversing via text message or internet. :( Does that automatically mean he's just in it to use me?

I do plan on leaving him alone from now on.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 11:35am

I understand about the email, I just think it's not a good way to begin an important conversation, because you can't have a dialogue and react on the spot when you see how the other person is interpreting what you said.

But at the end of the day, I'm a big believer in the idea that if something's meant to be, it'll work out even if one or both of you make a bunch of missteps along the way. And like I said, what's done is done, and there's no use worrying about it.

No, him using text and email doesn't automatically mean he's out to "use" you. It's all about what each of you prefers. If you'd rather that he call you, say so.

Besides, I think you need to lose this idea that he's out to "use" you if he doesn't want a serious relationship. It's not either/or. And unless he lies to you, you can't be used without letting yourself be used. You are responsible for yourself--if you don't want to have a relationship that is primarily about sex, or one that a sex and companionship type casual relationship, it's up to you to state that clearly.

Anyway, I hope he calls and asks you out again and you're able to talk to him about all this in person. Keep us posted!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 7:00pm

Thank you so much for your guidance Sheri. I appreciate your input. It helps to put a more clear perspective on things.

I have not heard from him. It's been a full 24 hours now & no response. I feel like a fool. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him out. Maybe I shouldn't have "chased" him at all. Maybe I should have left it alone & see what he does!

I realize it's not so cut & dry (FBs vs serious relationships). But, with all the guys I have dated lately, it seems that these are my only choices. :( I'm only 28 & I am SO SICK of dating! FYI, I dont typically sleep with guys right away, so it's not the whole "sexual euphoria" as to why I have this problem.

I wish I just had the CHANCE to get to explain to the guy I want a casual thing now & see what develops. They tend to freak before it even gets that far.

I'm just feeling stupid. I'm very let down by my judge of character. I realize he may not have used me, but I do feel a bit disrespected since he hasn't replied to my efforts. I had no doubt he liked me. I just cannot believe since we have mutual friends he would act like this. Things will be so ackward when we see each other again.

Ah, what a hard lesson to learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 7:33am

The Internet generation strikes again. I am going to reprimand you again, no email, IM or texts when discussing important feelings and expectations.

I am also cringing on the FB or FWB acronyms or whatever you used. I bet the guy almost died when he saw that. I know we use those acronyms here and that is okay, but many men don't think of themselves "using" women as FBs. What this man probably thought happened was that he had a nice interlude with a great woman. Now you have pigeon holed this man as someone that was using you as a brief sex partner who felt she was tossed aside the next day. He probably cringed when he got the email. (Yes, that might have been what happened but he doesn't want to look at himself this way, I'm sure)

Please, please, please, no more emails. Be friendly to this man if he doesn't respond. Water under the bridge now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 7:50pm

Since you've hooked up it's not unreasonable that you ask him where his head is at.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:08pm

I think I underestimated the guy! (THANK GOODNESS!)

He called & asked if he could come over. We ran errands together (which by the way he opened the car door, carried my groceries, etc), watched a movie, played games. He never once made a move, it was just loads of FUN!

But, it was getting late. It was around 2-3 am. & it was storming out pretty bad. (Our city is known for major flooding.) I told him he could stay, that he probably shouldn't drive in all that.

We then get ready for bed & he's just sitting there. Obviously, deep in thought. He said he didn't know what he was doing. That he didn't want to be the bad guy. That he's new to the group of friends & didn't want to throw a wrench in anything. He said, "what if we don't date & then you get mad. Would that happen?" I said, "I'm not sure if I'd get mad or not. I know you are going thru a lot. I don't necessarily want to rush right into a serious relationship either. But, I do like you & I want to see where this goes." He said, "I like you too. You are a lot of fun to be around. I was married for 8 years. This dating stuff is new to me. But, I am not the type of guy to sleep around just for the sake of having sex. That's not what I do. If I'm with you it's because I hope there is potential for you to be a girlfriend". I said "Ok. Then we should stop over-analyzing. We obviously like each other. We should just go with the flow". And, then we cuddled (he didnt try anything) & that was it! :D

I'm very excited. This was how I THOUGHT he was. I think we are actually on the same page. We KNOW we shouldn't jump into anything, but we do like each others company. A little part of me is, of course, paranoid this is some intricate weave of lies. Lol. But, all of my friends had only good things to say.

I certainly know to tread lightly. He was married for a long time. :( But, who knows! I'm great! He might fall for me! Lol. Anything can happen.

Thoughts?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:31pm

I think that sounds good and positive! The only thing I would have added would be a discussion of exclusivity or at least sexual monogamy, because I personally am not comfortable with sleeping with someone who's dating other people--or at least not sleeping with anyone else (although I pretty much have to have exclusivity too, not just sexual monogamy).

Do keep in the back of your mind, however, that separated or freshly divorced men are a high risk group. There's just way too much potential to be the rebound. Have fun, enjoy him, but stay a little bit cautious and remind yourself that it's early and time will tell.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 4:25am

Update...

So, he & I are still talking every day! We haven't gotten together lately. But, we are definitely getting to know each other better. As friends first! We're having this great, flirty banter that I love! He hasn't asked me out on a "real date" yet, but I don't want to push him. I'm enjoying the "getting to know you" stage. It's very nice & I'm very excited that we were actually able to back-pedal. I know I need to remain careful, but I really cannot see this guy hurting me. He's just so...decent.

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