I wanted closure but he left me dangling

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
I wanted closure but he left me dangling
12
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:16pm

I'm writing about the unreliable guy (so please have patience with me).

So you know I haven't seen him for the longest time. He hasn't called me at all so of course any girl will think he has disappeared.

Last weekend I decided to text him (what have I got to lose at least I will have closure). I sent him a text that read - 'I haven't heard from you in a while. I guess its not working between us'.

He texts back - 'I am in Calgary for another '. Thats it! He didn't finish his sentence. Nothing else! I did not know he was in Calgary. So I wrote back and said - 'I feel stupid now. I guess you will call me when you have time when you are back'. He didn't reply.

I just wanted him to say - yes its better that we each move on because its not working.

In my mind he has already moved on. Why can't he just say yes or no??

I want to call him. Should I call him?

Snafu, I ready your thing about a player. I think I got played! :(




Edited 4/28/2007 4:19 pm ET by reggielicious

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 6:38pm

<<>>>

My talke is that he doesn't say "yes or no" because he wants the door open, he's a player and players play the field. He knows that you still think about him and wonder what happens. You can't get your own closure and look for answers from him. The guy is not giving you anwsers, but you still wait. If you contact him like you did and he "appears" in Calgary, he knows that a short incomplete answer will keep you there, wondering. he's got a pattern, he's unrealible and you cannot predict what he does, will do or where he is AND the most important piece is that he doesn't care. He simply knows that you're there, waiting. He hasn't moved on like you believe he has, he's just playing the field and who knows how many other women he's leaving dangling like you feel you are.

Give yourself closure and move on. Who cares if he's in Calgary, Egypt or Cancun for one more...? By waiitng for a "yes or no" you're only stretching out your own healing process. The guy is unrelaible and he doesn't care if he gives you a "yes or no" answer. Take control of the situation yourself, play him and close that door.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 8:43pm
Oh honey, now now. We'll wipe the tears. This guy is in it for the sex, you know that don't you? He'll never close it off officially unless YOU do it. He won't close it off because he likes to "keep his options open". And that means that if it suits him, he'll call you or sleep with you. You can write him an email or note and just tell him to lose your number because he didn't even have the courtesy to finish his sentence or reply to your text. You deserve better and you know it, you, for some reason (and we've all been there) you feel the need to drag your heart through the mud some more. You'll keep doing it as long as you are compelled to do so. Then, one day, the pain is over and you can move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:35pm

I am moving on (I met a guy for coffee earlier this week).

It just hurts that someone could treat others like garbage. And I fell for it, even though the signs were all there I still fell for him and gave him too many chances. I feel like an idiot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 7:13am

there is no reason for u to feel like an idiot. how could u know that the guy will turn around and treat u like that?

glad u r moving on. try to get mad at him - it will beat 'i'm a victim' feeling.

hugs, it will pass

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:13am
You fell for him that is why you didn't want to give up so fast. We can't choose who we fall for sometimes - it just happens even if our minds know better. We have all felt like idiots at some point in our lives. The good news is that there is always another chance at love out there with someone else. The bad news is that there will always be people who treat others like garbage and you may come across them again, but hopefully you don't fall for them and can discard them quickly.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:19pm

Closure is a big fat myth--at least the idea that you get closure from the other person. Closure is something you give to yourself, and in this situation, you give it to yourself by saying, this isn't working for me, I'm moving on. You don't need anything from him to do that.

Expecting him to give you closure is just going to lead to frustration. Why would he close the door if he doesn't have to? He wants to know you're an option for him--it's up to you to be responsible for YOURSELF and close the door in your own mind.

You didn't get played. You hoped he would turn into someone he's not, when you never had any indication that he was anything other than an unreliable guy. Take responsibility for chosing to stay in a bad situation rather than putting it all on him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:31pm
Thats why I keep calling myself an idiot and being stupid because the signs were all there and I ignored them. I let him back into my life and I let him play me! Lol, I have to keep yelling at myself not to call him, haha. Its okay, I'm going to date others. Thanks for your support.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 2:30pm

Taking responsibility for your actions and your choices doesn't need to include calling yourself names and beating yourself up--in fact I'd say doing so is counter-productive. Why not just be matter of fact with yourself and admit that you made poor choices and vow to learn from the experience and not to the same things again, rather than beating yourself up?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:29pm


Hey reggielicious,
Just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I was left dangling like you, felt I should have followed the signs and I should have done this or paid close attention to that :) Oh to pick up that phone, send a text or an email hell message in a bottle just some sort of contact something just for him to say what happened (closure).... Well it's not up to him.
It's going on I think three months since the "ghosting" took place and man what a blessing it is to NOT feel like I did months back. I still have flashbacks of his smile (which I loved) and the things we did but honestly, when I think real hard at the small things he missed one step too many, the most important I seemed to ignore, was treating me with respect. He wasn't true. I was so caught up in the idea of HIM, now that when I think back it's like wow I'm worth more then he seemed to realize, his loss, my gain. I don't ever want to be with someone that isn't true. Believe me this "phase" will pass. Like the others have said it all starts with YOU!!! Know it's ok to be hurt for a bit, but don't ever lose yourself and your worth. Wish you all the best,

Leena

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 6:11pm
Thanks for sharing your experience with me. Yeah, I was blind to all the signs and what others told me to do. I won't fall for it again (I hope!).

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