Icky Ex Damaged Friendships

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Icky Ex Damaged Friendships
2
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:25pm

Long story short: Met guy last fall. We decide to go out. 48 hours later, I start to have doubts. But stay w/ him because I think I'm just being shallow, plus he's had enough disappointments in life. He gets worse with time. At four months, I break up with him.

But some damage has already been done. I know that dating him hurt my standing with my friends, and its not my friends' fault. "Nick" was a fruitcake. And he was rude to them. What can I do this semster to make it up to them and regain my credibility? You can reply now if you like, or keep reading for more details...^_^ Thanks.

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I met him through a mutual friend. Actually, he had many male and female friends--who weren't crazy--and could make anybody laugh. Despite growing up in poverty, he seemed to have led an active life: ballet, amateur boxing, and he'd been in a few bands. Plus, he loved animals and professed an interest in the environment.

And beneath acne welts all over his face, he actually had a nice bone structure. 48 hours into the "relationship" however...even though I had encouraged non-exclusivity...he mentioned that he wanted me to have a C-section come time for our first child. What the heck?!?! Everyone knows I have no interest in children (ever) and that I am virgin and will be for a looong time! I should have run, but I was chicken. Anyway, he seemed like a good person. Maybe he'd improve in a few weeks....

But oh no. He wouldn't let me go anywhere or talk to any male. Even females were off limits if we didn't talk about him (i.e. let him talk). Socially, he changed. He didn't have "conversations". He has "sessions" in which he imbued his audience with infite--and very boring--wisdom.

He followed me 24/7 and made me wear Bob Marley paraphenilia even though I've never owned an album (although Marley is cool). Actually, he followed me so much that he had less time for showers (as did I). Yet for someone whose stench could kill flies, he spent hours on his appearence. Now although I REFUSE to pick on overweight people or people whose looks are taken by disease/accidents.....he did this to himself! He cut his hair with craft scissors and died the patches of hair and scalp bright pink. Then came the mohawk. Then the top-knot. Then he shaved it. I thought, "Finally. Its over." But no. He decided to dye his scalp and 1/8 inch of fuzz pink. Then died his facial hair black....or rather, the skin underneath it. Then he started dressing like a thug, with pants down to his knees, backwards caps, giant t-shirts, and bling. This was not the guy I'd met in September.

But hey, beauty is skin deep, right? Although he continued to profess his eternal love for me, he was evil to my friends. Especially the males. He critisized their weight. He critisized *their* hair. He gave them menacing stares and said, "Now I'm getting angry" if they even said six sentences to me. In private, he talked about ripping the throat out of one of my classmates just because we'd been discussed a class project at lunch.

Whenever I did manage to get out with my friends (even after the break-up), he found a way to come along. But he was just dead weight. When he wasn't lecturing, he was sulking and nagging. I didn't make him feel special anymore. I wasn't committed enough. Why didn't I come to his "show"? Turns out these "shows" were just Open Mics at the local bookstore and that's all his previous "bands" had ever been. Speaking of his current "band", he treated them like crap. They didn't even want to be a band. They just liked playing for fun. But he controlled what they played, how much they practiced, and made them "perform" every week. Needless to say, those friends he had when we met were going extinct.

And he was just so negative. So "me me me". Finally, the end. The first day back from Christmas break, we went to watch movie in a friend's room. He went to bed. I decided to go to another friend's apartment. He met me in the lobby. He said, "Don't you wanna be with me?" I said, "I made plans." He was like, "Don't you wanna change them?" and acted very hurt--borderline angry. That's when I dumped him. But like I said, the damage is done. This guy was toxic to be around, not to mention a pompous laughing stock. Before him, I was regarded as down-to-earth and all-around likeable. But since we were always seen together, I'm afraid I've earned a stigma. I mean, if I knew a girl who went along with that crap for as long as I did....I'd think she was nuts!

P.S.-->Thankfully for me, "Nick" left school and I don't think he'll be back. Whew!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 11:50am

You say this wasn't the guy you met in September, um, yes it was. He was probably on his best behavior way back when and then you got to see the real him. This man was verbally abusive and threatening so I can see why your friends are a bit apprehensive around you. The reasons your friends have an issue with you is that you were the one responsible for creepo being in their presence and them having to deal with him.

You can't make all this up with a simple apology. What you can do is be a good friend to these people, be consistent and accomodating. I don't know why you let this boyfriend have so much control over your life to the point where you weren't bathing. It might also be time to make some new friends, ones that weren't familiar with this ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 6:07pm

Yeah, you're 100% right. The Sept. guy was the same person as the Dec. nutcase. I figured that out too late...that he'd just had on his "party manners". Fortunately, he never threatened any of my friends to their faces. If he had, I'd have kicked him to the curb immediately. (Well, actually, I should have done that regardless. The cattiness and complaining were just icing on the cake....)

Also, to anyone who wondered why I allowed him to control my life to such an extent...it is because I am a coward. I knew breaking up with him would hurt him, and I was afraid I'd hate myself for it. (Pretty stupid, huh?) Well, breaking up with him did hurt him. And I did feel responsible for hurting him and my friends (none of this would have happened if *I* had waited to really get to know him). But eventually I learned to let my guilt go. Of course, I am still a coward by nature, but I like to think I've graduated from chicken to goose.

Anyway, here is what I learned: If you find yourself dating someone who is just W-R-O-N-G, then that is all you need to know. Dump him. Because you're not doing *anyone*--not him, not your friends, and not yourself any favors by prolonging the inevitable. I hope somebody will learn from my mistakes.............peace out!

P.S. Yup.....accomodating and consistent....that's good advice.