I'm 27, he's 51 and ...flaky, maybe?
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| Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:13pm |
"Harold" and I met through Yahoo Personals a few weeks ago. His profile said he was 44, and he looks about 40. He's HOT, though, one of the best looking older men I've ever seen. Hotter than George Clooney by miles, if you can believe it. HOT. Which, coupled with the fact that he started a huge, successful business and is fabulously comfortable financially, is probably why he's never been married (though he was engaged a few years back). But I digress.
Harold and I had a magical first date. Great connection, agreement to see one another again, warm and enveloping hug, the whole nine yards; but I had a super busy week/weekend coming up and said I'd call him when I was available. A week later I called him and left a message, and in response he sent me a cryptic e-mail about age, which led to an e-mail exchange in which he revealed his real age and resulting neurosis about our age difference.
I'm no stranger to older men. I've had a crush on men older than he, and I've dated through the spectrum. Honestly, the age thing is not a problem as long as we have compatible goals and timeframes. Which, believe it or not, we do.
I persisted, with seemingly enthusiastic encouragement from him, in pursuing a second date, and finally we were able to match our schedules and go out to dinner. Again, it was wooooonderful. I'll use "magical" again. He even took me back to his house and gave me the royal tour, framing many of his material accomplishments as reasons I should think he's worth my while. He didn't make a move, though, and after talking and looking at his old photos (his idea completely) he took me home.
Harold hasn't called since. Come to think of it, he's never called without me first calling and reminding him that I'm here. However, whenever I do call him he's nothing but lovely and enthusiastic about talking to me--he sends other incoming calls to voice-mail, he discusses books he's reading (even a book on tantra, mentioning, gee if only he had someone to explore it with). He makes himself available on the weekends (unfortunately I haven't been available myself yet, so we haven't spent any weekend days together -- but we've only been on two dates, so I don't think that would be a red-flag for him).
If he were younger I'd chalk him up to being a player and not waste my time.
However...One of my best, dearest friends, "Joe," is a 54-year-old bachelor. Awhile back (when he was 51, in fact) Joe had an enormous crush on a much younger woman -- of 27 coincidentally enough. Joe could speak of nothing else but her for months, analyzing her every word and action and whether it meant that she "liked" him in that way or not. The relevant part to my situation? He prided himself in that he *never* called her. Didn't even let himself know her number. He let /her/ call /him/ every single time (almost every day). She ended up breaking his heart and moving away, but that's neither here nor there.
What applies here is that while I feel like I'm doing all of the legwork for my 51-year-old Harold, which under more normal circumstances would be completely unacceptable, I'm wondering whether this guy, being older and (based on Joe's story) perhaps playing by a different set of rules, has shown enough interest/availability that I shouldn't take his apparent lack of initiative to heart; and basically whether I should continue being the pursuer.
I really, really like Harold. I know the repercussions of the age differences, but marital age gaps run in my family history (with a high rate of happiness, I might add) so there's no need to dwell on that front.

Why would you think being fabulously successful in business and wealthy would make a man not seek marriage? I would think the vast majority of wealthy men ARE married. I don't see the correlation.
To me, any 51-year-old man who cannot pick up the phone and initiate a date with someone he likes, but can grow a business into wealth is either, 1. Just plain phobic or weird about relationships, 2. hiding something,(perhaps he is not heterosexual) or 3. accepting your advances, but not really interested. It also sounds like he is trying to buy your affection by impressing you with his home.
Why would he lie about his age in his profile? What else is he not being truthful about?
I would love to know how all this turns out. Something seems awry. I would say proceed at your own risk.
Edited 4/7/2006 1:16 am ET by memphisstars
Hmmmmmmm.... good point, I wonder if there *is* something else he's hiding!
To answer your first question, some of his pictures from his 20's and 30's revealed that he was a bit of a wild one for several years, then when his business became successful he plunged into it with 200% of his effort -- leaving no time for relationship commitments yet lots of options as far as "just for fun," non-time-intensive situations.
Also, he told me that one of his New Year's resolutions was not to date in 2006 (due to several too many exhausting experiences in 2005) but that he made a concession for me ...but he was on Yahoo! Personals, so that was a strange thing to say to me.
He did confess to being clueless about women being attracted to him, but I got the feeling that that was just the "aw shucks" brand of possibly humility. He also is hyper-aware of his public persona and how desirable he seems in that light, though he doesn't think it matches up to his true self.
Eh, who knows. I'm not going to spend too much effort trying to "figure him out" at this point, especially since there are so many mixed signals and he's at such a different point in his life than I am -- I just want to know whether or not I should be bothering to call him. Thanks again, memphisstars, for reading all of that and giving me some straight-up insight. For his sake (since he truly seems to want to have a stable marriage/family in next few years), I hope #3 is the truth and that he can find someone else that he wants to pursue. But I'm very curious as well so I'll see what surfaces and report back :-)
My straight-up-ness is only due to my age and being burned more than once.
Take his expressed desire to settle down with a grain of salt. He has gone this long, I doubt he wants to settle down now. This is probably a line he uses to connect with younger women. He still has his profile up. He must know he is very good-looking and desirable financially. I see p-l-a-y-e-r written all over this guy, and if you get involved, h-e-a-r-t-a-c-h-e for you.
If he is not calling you, there is no reason for you to call him, unless you are looking for a world of hurt. Just my 2 cents!
Thanks, guys!
cl-countrygrlupnorth -- I read that book awhile back, but maybe it's time for me to read it again ;-)
Oh yeah, quick update...
I popped him an e-mail yesterday afternoon, just "saying hi," and he wrote back this evening asking me if I wanted to get together again -- he stated that that he wasn't sure if I was still interested (!!!!), due to an awkward moment he perceived at the end of our last date. Supposedly he's going to call this weekend. We shall seeeeeee!