I'm a bad person. How do I heal?
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| Sat, 07-10-2004 - 5:21pm |
This relationship began 8 months ago with a co-worker that I became friends with and after a couple month developed into something more. He was separated and said he'd never get married again, but hanging out with me was quickly changing his mind. About 2 weeks after we began dating he revealed that although he wasn't legally separated, he was separated. 2 weeks later he revealed he still lived in the same house as his well, wife. He swore to me she knew it was over and that they only still lived together out of convience and so he could be near his son, whom is autistic. We had stuggles, but nothing major. I saw him basically whenever I wanted and we just fell in love so quickly. Although he said he would never marry again, he started planning a future with me. He finally moved out of his house and in with his brother. Things started getting even better. Till his wife called me, begging me to let him go so they could mend their family. I told my boyfriend that if there was ANY chance to repair his marriage he should do so. There's a kid involved. He swore to me it was over and it could never be repaired. About a month ago we started arguing a lot. About him sleeping over his ex's house to as he said, "spend more time with his son". We tried to break up several times, but just couldn't do it. He finally went to see a lawyer this week and the lawyer told him to move back into his house immediately or he could face desertion charges. And she could take him for a lot more. He didn't want to, but I told him he had too, for now. It would only be for 2-3 months, but we'd work through it. He agreed. He moved back in today and called me this afternoon and broke up with me. He said it's not fair to me that he'll be a part time boyfriend for the next couple months. And that as soon as he walks out of court w/ a legal separation, I'm going to be the first person he's going to call. I am devestated. I don't know what to say or think. I'm sick to my stomach. I now feel like I have become "that" girl who would date a married man. How can I ever look myself in the mirror again? And how can I ever get over the man I loved more than anyone in this world?

He seems to be very much involved with his son. You will have to take a back seat for that child. Be prepared that you will have to stay in the background and in time, will grow weary.
You are not a bad person, just misguided. Love puts blinders on our eyes and we don't see a lot of things we should see.
What you should do is shop around for someone more available and unattached. It will be difficult, but in time, you will be grateful you did.
I think you should let it ride if you really care about him then wait and see what happens. If he really wants to be with you he will. If not then he was confused. Sometimes we have to do what is right for different reasons even if its not want we want. He may be in that boat. He should only divorce because he can no longer be with his wife. You are important too, but you should not be the reason. You should be a result due to an already failed marriage.He may need to figure this out, before he can decide to divorce. This is good for you , You see if he does divorce it will be for the right reasons. Then if he wants to be with you it will be for the right reason, not because he was unhappily married, but because he could not live with out you. Connections happen between people and sometimes they have to be with the one they truely want to be with no matter what. This may be the case with you and he, but the timing may be off and the stress too high. If you two are meant to be together then you will be. When two people really want to be together then they will be together one way or another. This is what you deserve, don't settle for less.
How were you to know he'd move back in and break off with you. However you did know that their was a chance that it could happen. There is also the chance that he will finally decide to leave for good. There is obviously trouble. Let the cards fall where they may and stay out of the picture.
If he does come a knocking ,I would let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not see him again, unless he is completely divorced out of respect for you. PERIOD.
A) He's not divorced
B) His wife is asking you to please step aside and let her repair her marriage
C) There is a child that needs his father
You shouldn't be involved at all, you shouldn't talk to him on the phone, email or anything. Let him do what he needs to do, if he divorces her and you two get back together than fine, but don't be the cause of their divorce. His wife is trying to repair her marriage for herself and the sake of their child, as long as you are involved in his life, he cannot give 100% to that effort whether they get back together or not remains to be seen, but with your involvement he can't make a real effort.
Secondly, mistakes happen don't beat yourself up over this, however I wish you would look ata things from the outside rather than your love for him. What would you say to someone that was dating a married man that had a wife and small child at home? Would you say "Oh its okay, you love him" I don't think you would. I know you say you love him, but lets call a spade a spade, he's having an affair because that's what it is, he's not divorced so he's still married, he's stringing you along giving you false hope for the future while going back and forth between you and his wife. Is this the action of an upstanding man? I don't think so.
You deserve better than this treatment and so doesn't his wife.