I'm cheating and feel horrible!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
I'm cheating and feel horrible!
4
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:45pm
I'm 21 and have been in a relationship for a year and a half. I care about my boyfriend very much but back in August I began to get tired of him. In the past, we always talked about getting married, moving in together, having kids etc. Then it hit me one day that I'm just not ready for that at all. I was also getting bored with his habits, but I still love him. I want it to work out. I can see being with him in the future, he would make a great husband and father but I am not ready for that right now at all. A few months ago I went to the the bar and met another guy. He really like him a lot now, and we've been seeing eachother on the weekends since then. He doesn't know I have a boyfriend. I am very confused about both guys. I love my boyfriend but I'm just freaked out about his expectations for the relationship, and this other guy gives me the freedom I need, he's also a lot of fun. There are some charactaristics though that I like about both of them, and don't like about both of them. I feel terrible I've gotten myself into this mess,and now I don't know how to get out of it b/c I have feelings for both of them now. What do I do? I'm so confused!
Avatar for autumnstar02
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:56pm

"I love my boyfriend but I'm just freaked out about his expectations for the relationship, and this other guy gives me the freedom I need, he's also a lot of fun."

I would feel so horrible if my dbf said "I love you, but..." If you love him, then you love him. End of story.

It's amazing to me how people forget how to deal with situations when they are unhappy. I bet you are alot more unhappy knowing that you are betraying your bf on top of the fact that you are not happy with the relationship.

Here is what I suggest...

1. Break up with betrayal man. Of course he gives you the freedom you need...HE ISN'T REALLY YOUR MAN! He can't expect you to be faithful to only him because you are cheating!! He obviously isn't much of a gem anyway. He knows he is helping you cheat. That says something about his morals & character.

2. Talk about your problems with your current bf. Write down everything that is bothering you. Exclude little bitty problems like you leave the toilet seat up, etc. Talk some things through and see if you can work through them. Once you talk about your problems with the relationship, then you can work to solve them. By cheating, you are running away from your problems and they will NEVER be solved in a good way. If you can work out your problems, good for you guys. If you can't work them out, break up. Let him find someone who will love him as he deserves and who won't cheat on him.

3. If you decide to stay with your bf, good luck and please don't run away from problems again. If you decide to break up, give yourself a good 6 months or so without dating/relationships to figure out what you want in a man and what you won't live without. You'll never find the man you want if you don't know who he is! :-)

4. Only after you know what you want in a man and you have figured out why you think it is ok to cheat then look for a man who fits your description. (because although you may think you don't believe in cheating, you are proving yourself wrong by doing it. Something inside you is telling you it is ok otherwise you wouldn't be doing it.

Hope this helps,

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 6:31pm
If this is what you term "love" I'd hate to see how you treat your enemies! I agree. You're too young to be thinking of marriage and children at this point and your behavior is proof. Please let your bf go. You need to date and have fun without hurting someone in the process.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 6:56pm

What you are doing is seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. That's not fair to the guy you're with, since he doesn't get the option of seeing what else is out there. If you're not sure, then you need to give him a chance to move on. You're being selfish, and that's good, since you are too young to be thinking about marraige and babies. There's school and work and friends and life.

Be single and have fun.

Let the boyfriend go before he finds out about your cheating and it breaks his heart.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 6:14pm
I think you need to set him free. If you were truly happy with him you wouldn't even think about being with someone else, and if you continue the relationship it will only make things worse, you can't lie to yourself or to him and have a healthy realtionship when you obviously have doubts. You may find yourself happier in the long run if you enjoy your youth and have fun while you can. And if you really do care about him, set him free before he gets hurt, he deserves a chance to be happy as much as you do.