I'm confused
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| Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:27pm |
I'm 30 and my husband passed away 7 months ago. Around that time, when I went back to work, this new guy started in my department. He's very nice and cool to hang with, and very funny at work. About 3 months ago, I started to get the feeling that he was into me. I think he's very attractive, but I didn't want to encourage anything since I was grieving. I'd catch him looking at me, and he would wink and smile at me (we sat diagonally from each other).
I really am ok since my husband's passing, i've put my life back on track. I started to catch myself checking out the new guy as well, and going out with him to pick up lunch for the department and stuff...
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, when I was suddenly laid off from work. He emailed me at home, and we started IM'ing a lot. I started looking forward to his IMs. Last weekend, we started a chat session that turned very private and steamy. He basically said how he thought i was hot, and he'd been checking me out at work, and things went kinda steamy from there--we almost had cybersex. That same night, he invited me to his house where he and his roommates were having a few friends over for a get-together. I kinda knew what i was getting into when I agreed to show up.
He introduced me to all his friends (most of whom he's known since high school), and we all had a blast. He gave me a tour of the house and surprised me with a very tender kiss in the basement. Late into the night, when it was just he and I, things naturally moved into his bedroom, and let's just say that we had an AMAZING time.
He texted me the next day letting me know how much he had a good time, and we also IM'ed again the rest of the weekend. A couple of days later I went over to his house again, where we watched TV and then went to his bedroom... That night was even more amazing than the first, even though he was kinda tired.
My dilemma is, I don't know if he's just using me for sex, or if he genuinely likes me. We haven't really had that kind of conversation. My gut feeling tells me that he truly likes me, but i can't be sure.
This past week, I went to his ball game playoffs where I hung out in the bleachers with his 10 year old nephew and his roomies. Afterwards, we all went back to his house, and he his nephew and I watched a movie. His nephew left after the movie and I left a little later. He was very tired, so we only watched tv and then I went home.
This weekend, i went to his house where we again watched a movie, and then we went to one of his friend's birthday get-together. He told me there that his nephew really liked me, and his friends like me too. They've been asking him questions about me and stuff. We hung out with his friends, and all had dinner together. He even occasionally put his arm around me in front of his friends there, as he did also when we got back to his house. He was very tired that night, so i let him go to bed and went home. Again, he kissed me very tenderly in the street, and said he owes me a rain check big time.
I try not to text him too much or call him during the day, since he's at work, and I know he has a lot of other activities with his friends during the week. Do you think he genuinely likes me? Or could he just be using me for a while? I keep telling myself that i'll just enjoy this while it lasts, but i'm afraid my emotions will eventually get involved. What should I do?

First, my condolences for your loss. Second, no one knows what his intentions are, but him. However, since you have been in serious relationships before you can compare his actions and gestures to the previous men in your life to see if anything feels familiar. I can understand that you are concerned about your emotions getting involved. If at that time you feel the need to discuss the issue then do so. If you ask him what he's into (casual vs. exclusive) he'll probably tell you what is going on in his head. If you feel you are beginning to feel and he says he doesn't want exclusivity, then you can always break up with him.
The question really is: what do YOU want? Do you want an exclusive relationship at all at this time in your life? If so, does he fit the bill? Or, if you are into getting your dating feet wet with something more low key, then this guy might be a nice way to get out there again. Everyone focuses on whether the guy likes them instead of asking themselves...where does this guy fit into my life?
I'm still seeing the guy in question. I'm still confused at times, but ok at others. I'm quite sure that he definitely feels a lot for me. It's in his actions and words. He confided to a coworker (from where i also used to work, so I know her) that he's being seeing me. I had told another mutual coworker, and she said she was going to mess with his mind (jokingly) until he told her himself. She did so, and at first he told her he's "working on someone right now", and after some more talking and joking he told her he "doesn't want to mess up anything with that person he's with". He eventually did tell her it's me.
I've been to his house a few times now and am familiar with his 2 roommates/best friends. We've all gone to the pool, and lunch together. He even kissed me in public at his ball game, which I thought was very sweet.
He does text me a lot (he's big on texting), but most of the time he doesn't call when he says he will, and I don't like to call guys too much.
As we IM'ed briefly tonight, he apologized to me for being distant lately. I asked him if he wanted to talk, but he said he's not a big talker (neither am i, BTW). He said he just goes through these phases, and he usually writes or goes out for a drive to clear his mind.
Until we find the time to talk one day, i have to keep wondering if maybe he has doubts about me, about us? Again, i feel it in my gut that he truly likes me. He knows I'm a widow; he started work the same week that I resumed work myself, but I he had seen pictures of my late husband, and i explained to him what had happened. He's very sweet to me, very tender. He knows i'm going through some crap with my in-laws that's bringing me down.
Have i mentioned that i'm black, and he's white? Not that it matters. But he's never dated and African-American before, and neither have I ever dated a white guy before. Perhaps he has doubts about that?
Maybe i'm overreacting, and overthinking this situation. I mean, it has only been 3 weeks. I'm just trying to understand some of his actions, his moods...