I'm confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
I'm confused
2
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 3:56pm
I've never thought of my bf of 5 months to be a mushy kind of person. To be honest, that did bother me a little bit. Every girl wants some romance. I'd like to get flowers every once in a while, and be complimented and shown that he cares about me. The cat gets called "sweetie". I don't. But I just figured that's just how he is, so i'd accept it... The other day I was looking through the bookcase cause I felt like reading something. I came across a black book without a title. I didn't think it was something I shouldn't be looking at cause it was right there, he didn't hide it or anything. I found this poem type thing in there. He was obviously writing about his ex girlfriend. It was so pretty, and so sweet! I can't stop thinking about it. I could never imagine him saying anything like that about me. So, apparently that isn't just him, and he can be all romantic. Just not with me. I wonder if he just doesn't care about me as much as he did about her. I know he loved her. He even kept the poem this long. I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me. And that makes me sad. Now, he's has been wondering what's been bothering me, and I don't want to tell him! I don't want to sound all insecure and silly. Also, I'm kinda afraid he'd be mad at me for reading that. I'm not sure what to think. Any opinions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 6:04pm
I can totally understand why this would be driving you a little batty. But before you lose your mind - give us some more background so we can help. So - how long was he with his ex? what is their history?
I am 32 years old and I dont know how old you are but in my book ( which may be longer than yours...lol) 5 months is not a whole lot of time. Have you guys said the I love you yet? I have been with my bf for almost 3 months now and we arent even close. I have told him actually that I broke something off because someone scared me by bringing that on too soon after only 6 weeks and I couldnt handle it - in hindsight I may have made it now that he will never tell me for fear but anyways! OK so if you have exchanged those words what do you need a poem for? Yes it is nice when people are romantic and a bit mushy at times but someone's real heart and devotion are far more valuable. It took one of my exes a year and a half to be anything close to verbally romantic with me because he had been through a horrible marriage and just couldnt quite get it out. Maybe your bf had a bad break up with thi ex of his and his heart is still preparing for the risks of being openly love dovey with someone again. we all pace very differently based not just on our feelings for the person we are with but in large part due to our experiences and especially the most recent ones.
As for your "snooping"....I dont know a human on the planet that wouldnt have read that and if he doesnt want you to see something it should be out of sight and you should not be left in his apartment alone where you might find it. When my bf and I were very knew ( within a week of first sleeping together) he spent the night at my place and I had a dr's appt the next morning. I told him I could leave him here and just come back when I was done so we could have brunch together and he was cool with this. Of course my mind did a little loop de loo about leaving someone new at my place. Would he find out that it is just the illusion of clean, read my credit card bill, check out my closets? I then did something paranoid. he was still sleeping and while he was I shut down my laptop which only opens with a password. I have my journal on there and there is a TON of stuff on him - a TON. Then I kissed him goodbye and left. I was driving to the appt when I realized how paranoid and closed this was of me. I mean where is the logic. We had been dating and this guy was great to me. I just made love with the man and now I should hide stuff? Love requires risk and trust and nobody gets a free pass. So I called him from the car and told him it had just hit me that I shut my computer down and did he need to get any writing done while I was gone. he said yes but that he understood if I didnt want to give out my passcode. So I said "nahh, have it....whats the worse thing that can happen. " So I did. And I felt so free after I did this. We have to have our lives open for the ones we are with. yes, there are pockets of privacy here and there but for the most part it should be open season. I have never talked to him about it but I think this meant something to him that I opened up my heart and my home to him completely.
My point in that story is that if you are at his place and things are out or around they are open season. If he is angry about you reading it I think it will be more out of embarrassment than anything else. You shouldnt hide how you are feeling from him - thats for sure...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 6:20pm

Take a step back and consider all the good things he does and how he contributes value to your relationship. No doubt that list is significantly greater than the poem he wrote possibly to his ex. If you want romance from him then it is your responsibility to ask for it in a nice and positive way.

Making him wrong or suggesting that he doesn't care because he isn't doing things exactly your way is wrong. Men really dislike that. It would be like him expecting sex multiple times a day every single day from you. If you don't do that, then he would think you don't care about him at all. That would not be right either, so please don't go down that path.

Show him some appreciation for the good things and he will respond better over time.