I'm Getting Tired Of This...
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| Sat, 11-12-2005 - 12:21pm |
Hello everyone, I'm new to this board and I need some advice and opinions on my realationship problem(s). Here goes...
I am a single mother of 3 kids. 2 teens and a 4 year old.
I have been dating my bf for 4 months now.He seems like a kid, always depending on me for things. I mean, he often asks me for money, he cannot come to my home to visit me because he can't get the gas ( the last 2 months I have been visiting him.).
Not only that, I do his laundry and cook for him also. I must admit he seems to appreciate that at least.
But here's the problem....
Our incomes are the same but I have myself and 3 kids to care for. Not only that, my heating system is down.I borrowed 2 heaters from my family until the repairmen are coming this week.Would you believe my BF offered to SELL me an elecrtic portable heater that he DOES NOT use, knowing I have little money? Gosh, I think he should give me that heater considering all I have done for him. I mean, I cook and do laundry for him MANY times.And it seems like he would care enough to at least offer to loan me the heater, though I don't need it now.
And yesterday he called me and asked if I could loan him 10 bucks. I told him I didn't know if i could or not.We went out to dinner twice this week and I had to pay both times.
I love this man but frankly I'm getting tired of this business. I mean it's ALL taking and no giving. I realize things must change or else it's over between us. I have enough kids to care for without having him too. This is why I'm here...to get advice on this problem. Sometimes I wonder if he just wants me to get what HE needs.
So what do you think of this situation? This has been bugging me for sometime.I know I need to discuss things with him.
So how can I tell him in a nice way that he needs to take care of his needs on his own and stop depending on me so much?
Thanks to all that will respond.

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I suspect he gets you to give him things, do things for him as a way of blocking intimacy. What I mean is, he must feel that he has the upper hand if you're giving and he's taking, since he's in no real need. Four months is a short time to be doing all that stuff for him. Although I've been there.
It sounds like he's taking things for granted. I don't think this man knows what real intimacy is. Ironically, creating "instant" intimacy can be a way of avoiding it because they get it all and they're ready to conquer something else. Not necessarily another woman, but their energies are directed elsewhere.
If I were you, short of breaking-up with him, which is what I think you really need to do, I would slow way down. Don't do him favors much. Don't give more than he does. Make him invest in the relationship. If he doesn't now, he never will. Keep things much more casual. Don't see each other as often, if you see each other everyday. Don't talk everyday. A good relationship can survive distance. It takes time to get to know someone and that's how most good relationships are started. Best Wishes!
Thank you for taking the time to help me.Your post was interesting.
I plan to slow things down.I won't see him as much or talk to him everyday.
Also I'll stop giving and doing things for him as much and see how it goes from there.
Thanks a lot.
It seems to me like there are a couple of skills you really need to learn. The first is learning how to put your foot down and just say, "No." If it's been bothering you for a while that you're always paying for him, then why do you continue to agree to do it? Just tell him you won't pay for him this time. And if he asks why then you tell him that it's because you've already paid for more than your fair share of things, and you don't want to pay anymore.
The other skill you need to learn is the importance of bringing up your feelings in a healthy manner. You don't want to yell at and attack people whenever they do something that angers you. But you should be able to speak up and talk to the person about how what they're doing is making you feel. My psychologist was actually just talking with me this week about how people who are able to do that have a huge advantage in life over those that keep their feelings to themselves. All you have to do is to talk about your own feelings and say, "I've been feel annoyed recently" and then go on to explain what happened to make you feel that way. Just make sure you stick to explaining what the person DID which made you feel that way instead of making comments about the person themselves. For instance, you should say, "I got annoyed that you wanted me to pay for the heater instead of offering to loan it to me for free because I've done a lot to help you out where I could." That's sticking to explaining the behavior. If you start saying, "You're selfish." "You're mean" or "You ALWAYS" or "you NEVER", then you're crossing over from discussing the behavior to attacking the person. The way I see it is if somebody really cares about you and your feelings and isn't immature or has serious issues, then they will be willing to listen if you just discuss things that way. And if they can't handle hearing something like that, then either the person is using or has got some problems, and either way, they're somebody you'd probably be better off not having in your life.
I also think the other posters have a point about why are you even staying with him. Maybe there is something that you are not telling us that shows that he really does care about you and want to please you. Maybe he feels like he makes it up to you in other ways, or maybe you have always offered to do things for him so he thinks you WANT to do things and doesn't realize he's being an imposition. But if he is really interested in pleasing himself at your expense like your post seems to suggest, then why would you want to be with somebody like that?
If you're tired of raising a fourth child, then break it off. You've only been together 4 months, and from the sounds of things you're doing everything for him and WHAT are you getting in return?
My question is why are you with this man?
Doesn't seem to be too much redeeming in this relationship, and it's only been 4 months now, get out now the guy can't even support himself and expects a single mother of 3 to help him pay for his gas and other things and the fact he asked you to PAY for the heater he isn't using is just low.
Drop him like a bad habit.
<< And yesterday he called me and asked if I could loan him 10 bucks. >>
10 bucks? Why are you dating someone who needs a $10 loan? I'm sorry, but if a person can't scrounge up 10 bucks, on their own, that's a problem. And cannot afford GAS!? Yet, you make the same amount of money?
Either he's a) highly financially irresponsible, b) has debts up the ying-yang that all his money goes toward or c) is into drugs or gambling or some other unhealthy habit that sucks up his income.
Either way, none of those choices are appealing.
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