I'm growing up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
I'm growing up
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:40pm
Hi there:

I'm about to turn 26. And for the first time in my life, I realized that home and hearth is on my wish list as well. I've always been career focused. Should there be a decision between a potentially great relationship or a great job, I usually went for the job. But now my needs have changed. Fantastic, right. Well, I know just who I want to spend the rest of my life with. He's been in my life for the past 6 years. Someone I met back in college, and felt an instant attraction towards. He was out of my league, I thought, but we became friends and he took me out on my first date. Things didn't work out, because I was too young, too inexperienced and too afraid of what I was feeling. over the years we'd run into each other and things just feel so comfortable. Its like, not a day has past when we last spoke. But we never got an opportunity to get back together. Then I moved across the country when I graduated, and thought that I was over him. But one day I happen to run into him in my new city. He was here on business with the girlfriend at that moment. A week later, he took a second trip to my city and we had dinner and spent an evening talking. Again, the chemistry is unmistable, but out of deference for his relationship, neither of us acted on it. Thanks to technology, we spent the next year e-mailing, then IM'ing each other. I resisted all invitations on his part to fly back to see him because again I was terrified of what he made me feel. I was on a career path and didn't plan to fall in love. So another year goes by, but finally I agreed to meet with him for a weekend in a nutral city. And there I lost my virginity to him. It couldn't be more right. But underneath it all, there was a bit of tension, that boiled over when I flew to his hometown some two weeks later. We discovered that as much as we've always been able to communicate with each other, be it career, politics, I couldn't tell him just how I feel about him. I didn't want to make demands, for fear that I can't really reciprocate the demands he's making in turn (he wanted me to relocate). So things got a bit muddled, and I left feeling hurt, frustrated and ready to end things.

We didn't really talk much for the next few weeks, and when we did, it jsut wasn't the same. I thought the miscommunication between us didn't make a cross country relationship worthwhile. So eventually I moved on and met someone else. Another truly great guy, but I still can't stop thinking about the first. It was around the time the latest romance collapsed that I realized that I was in love with long-time "friend." He had promised me that regardless of what happens between us, we will always have our friendship. That's just not good enough anymore. I want him in my life. I just don't know how to tell him without him feeling like I'm rebounding. I love him. I always have.

Some advice would be great. Thanks.