I'm lost, please advise!!
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| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:06am |
I would like some advise from you all. I recently had a doctor's appointment, had a pap smear, and was informed by my doctor that my pap was abnormal and I have a mild form of dysplasia. Luckily it is non-cancerous, and I am going in for a colonoscopy in a few weeks. I'm scared; nervous. I haven't said a word to anyone. I have done some online research and although benign, it does not mean that I'm out of the hole yet. Lastly, my ex-boyfriend and I have been close within the last year. We broke up a few years ago, remained just as friends, took a break from each other, and then regrouped last year. We've developed an even stronger friendship and for the last couple of months, we have started to get intimate. We're past the friends with benefits stage and at this point, we act as a couple, but have not made anything official. We're going out for dinner this weekend, and I do not know if I should tell him about my appointments. Does he have a right to know what's going on with me? We are comfortable with each other, but being that he's really not my boyfriend, should I keep quiet about my situation and would it be wrong to do so? I appreciate your input.
Thanks : )

Basically you want more and you believe that because your stress level has calmed down while being around him, and because he's taking actions that you interpret as "I'm emotionally into you".....you think "we're past FWB".
He's probably just settling into FWB....and is finally glad to be past the stress of "the conversation potentially cropping up". He figures - you're responsible for your needs and feelings - he's responsible for his.
You two hang out, enjoy one another's company, share dinner, don't do anything with any "public" notification that is mutual that "we're a couple" - and that you're fine with that and the sex and everything else.
This is precisely the "type of relationship" he wants - it's the only type he'll settle for.
That siad, you're saying he's your close friend...why wouldn't you tell a close friend about your fears and worries and health related concerns. You're not telling him from the position of "does this affectwht you want with me"...you're not telling him from the perception that he'll "rush to your side, comfort you and put a ring on your finger"...you're telling him because you're friends with honest communication and equality in the relationship and you've got a health concern and some very valid personal fears nad you want your "friends" around you for comfort and support.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hi Doubleblade,
Thanks for your input. The most important thing for me to figure out, which I take responsibility for, is that I’m not 100% positive as far as what I want from him. I haven’t been honest with myself, and I’m very aware of that. On one hand I want to take things further, but on other hand, things are good as they are right now and I don’t want anything to ruin that, which is why I am/have been nervous about the outcome of “the talk” discussion. You’ve made some great points that have made me look at things from a different angle, although, you’re not entirely right about him. It’s not that he doesn’t want to acknowledge our relationship publicly at all. His friends/family know me, and vice-versa, but I don’t deny that lack of communication has created a problem. I am going to tell him and just be honest about my feelings, with myself, and with him. This is someone who means something to me, and I should not attempt to keep certain things, especially a health concern , from him. Thanks for making things a bit clearer.
~Claire
Nobody has apparently prioritized "keeping the friendship alive post benefits"....or else there'd have been plenty of honest discussion.
I'd recommend the following. Ask yourself a few basic questions - ou already know you want a relationship because alot of what you've participated in has been geared from the viewpoint of "I wouldn't do this if I didn't want a relationship and this would not go anywhere"....the question is are you willing to continue "having benefits" if he says he doesn't?
So, once you know the answer to that - sit him down honestly and maturely with the friendship being the focus of your discussion and agenda.
Ask him outright if he wants emotional attachment and involvement, a relationship of equality and mutual benefit, honest communication and commitment in his life? Not - does he want that WITH YOU? If he says he doesn't know, or not right now...you have your answer....everything he's done with you has been about living in the moment and enjoying the moment....are you willing to continue the sex, hand holding, going to his family without officially being anything but his bed buddy? If not - just tell him that you need to put the friendship on hold for 3-6 months while you get your head togehter, your focus readjusted, you start dating, adn take responsiblity for your destiny once again - and the benefits stop now. In 3-6 months - you'll contact him and start hanging out again AS YOU DID PRE-BENEFITS! and you won't avoid him or ask him to avoid you - as you now likely share mutual friends and interests.
Because what you're doing from the sound of it is doing alot of projection and assumption. It's the "I wouldn't have a man meet my family if I wasn't serious about him" as your standard -being transposed onto him when you did meet his family because that sent you the message you've been dying to here - "this is going somewhere beside the bedroom".
Realize he's not doing anything wrong in having no obligation, and no future goal for this friendship with sex included. And if this "isn't what you do" - then YOU stop doing it.
This probably isn't the first FWB he's had...but sure obviously the first that you've had.
If I can help, let me know.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com