I'm in love, but is love enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
I'm in love, but is love enough?
3
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:36pm
Sherry,

I met my boyfriend online about a year and a half ago. We haven't met face to face yet but we have shared pictures, conversed via emails, and phone conversations. When we first met I sent him a picture of someone who i felt was more attractive than myself. By the time i told him the truth we'd already felt that we were in love with one another and though I decieved him, he said his feelings haven't changed.My insecurities made it hard for me to believe that he loves me for me and not for the woman i portrayed myself to be. Now it's been months and I have come to grisps that he does in fact love me for me, but the other problem is that we live far from each other with intent on me moving to his state.I want to believe in our love, but i don't know if i should base my whole life on it. To relocate would mean me completely starting over- and another thing is that he's a jehovas witness which is completely different from my current lifestyle..a lifestyle i don't plan on changing once we wed. Are we being too unrealistic?

Signed,

Helpless in love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:05pm
hi!

to tell you the truth, i don't know whether you guys have a strong foundation for you to be moving to his state? why can't he, why you? the fact that you have insecurities and the possibility of you coming over to his place may aggravate some (unconscious) feelings of pain of giving so much. Here you are, haunted by your insecurities and you're still the one giving up almost everything for him. I think that the pressures of actually seeing him in person and the time that you will be spending together (the arguments that will eventually come, etc) can easily make you vulnerable, and thus, in turn, may make you demanding (thinking somewhere along the lines of "i gave this up for you, why can't you... blah blah) and him feeling pressured too.

and having not enough trust and belief in a relationship? that certainly is a red flag. both persons in a relationship should believe in their love, and if one doesn't have that, then it's hard for the other person to carry him/her all the time...

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:20pm
I'm a little afraid that I could be biased, because I didn't like the outcome when I tried internet dating. But, I suggest caution. You should not be making the decision to move at this point until your able to meet with him one on one. And even with that I suggest you meet in a public place for your safety. There are good people who wouldn't care that you decieved him, but I am a little skeptical. If he had feelings for you they should have been hurt and he should have been honest with you about them if he was. If acted as if it was nothing, then I wonder if he has good intentions.

Also, if you really do feel that you want to pursue this with him, don't forget about you. Do you really want to move? Do have you have friends and family who love you, a support system that you don't want to leave? If things don't work out, do you know anyone in that state that can help you.

Lots of red flags came up when you said he was Jehovah's Witness. They are known to be very traditional. The men are known to want their wives to be completely dependent on them, including barring them from socializing and having friends. Of course, those may just be extreme circumstances, but I thought about that you would be alone in a strange city with no one but him. Also, the religion is almost based on the belief that only those who believe in their religion can go to heaven. I had a horrible argument with a Jehovah witness about that one. I don't have a bias against this religion. I had a close friend who was Jehovah Witness who was a sweet person and not pushy about her religion. Her mother enjoyed not working and like the traditional role of women. Of course, I don't know how strictly your guy practices this.

I hope I am not being too negative, but I just want you to be aware and safe. And remember in any relationship, don't forget what you want. If you have dreams and plans in the city your in, don't move for anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:23pm
I do think you're being unrealistic. You haven't even MET this man in REAL LIFE!!! And you're talking about uprooting your whole life to move closer to him and marry him??? Are you crazy???

That said, why has it been so long and you haven't met in person?

And I agree with the other poster, why do you have to change, why can't he?

I'm just skeptical as to what's going on. How do you know this guy is for real? How do you know he's not some 90 year old man, or married with kids? What do you really know about him other than what he tells you?

The difference between the relationship you have and real life, is that you're only able to rely on the things he tells you. You haven't met him, so he could be totally different than what he says. You said you sent him a false pic, what's to say he hasn't done the same? I mean, the connection you think you feel is really just a web line. If you actually meet a person and you date them, you get to know them in real time. You get to judge their mannerisms and character. You get to meet their friends, family, coworkers, etc. You get to see if the things they say are real, and see how they treat people other than you.

Be realistic here.

I think you need to either meet him in person and go from there, or end things and find someone in your town to go out with. How can you call this man your boyfriend without knowing him???

Alison

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