I'm A Mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
I'm A Mess
6
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 10:43am

Ok, I know I just wrote about 2 months ago about a relationship I was in that was falling apart. Well, let me just say, it did. I pretty much discovered he liked fooling around with me and how I would schedule my life around him, but that was about it. So, I moved on.

Now, I'm in a real bind. Last Friday I had the best first date of my life. Actually, date number one went so well we had date number two on Saturday. We talked from 8:45 on Friday night to 5 am on Saturday morning. It was just so easy to be with him.

What is my problem? Well, there appear to be a couple.

1) He just broke up with his girlfriend at the beginning of April. They had a whirlwind 5 month romance where they lived together and lived for each other. Two months is not a long time to get over something like that.

2) On the date, we discussed likes and dislikes and every once in a while I would say something that was reminded him of his ex.

3) He and his ex still share a lot of friends and hangouts and see each other quite a bit. I think she talked to him about how it annoys her that he hangs around, but he said he doesn't want to stop seeing his friends and going to his favorite bar just because of her.

4) I have found out that he is the type of guy who falls in love and into relationships very fast.

All of these things are just huge RED FLAGS to me, but still I had the best first date ever this weekend. I just want to be with him and talk to him. How do I handle this situation? Go really really slow or just go with the flow? My friends don't want me to get hurt. They say talk to him every so often and only see him 2 times a week max.

And what about the ex? Too soon? How do I deal with that? I know I probably going to meet this woman by this weekend.

HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: vacn31
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:35pm
It's up to you. If you see all these red flags then why date this guy? You know you're gonna get hurt sooner or later. What's the payoff for you? Is it the first date that went fantastic? First fantastic dates don't guarrantee that the relationship will be successfull. The parties involved guarrantee that. This guy is not a good party to date with serious intentions. If you'd like something casual for a short time then dive in and get involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vacn31
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 8:47am

vacn31...

Pianoguy thinks you can DATE AN ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM assuming that you're not exclusive with any one particular member!

Your problem appears to be a tug-of-war between wanting A SERIOUS MAN and the flexibility of being a free agent...and dating several???

Make up your mind which of the 2 options appeals to you more...then proceed accordingly!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: vacn31
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 11:58am

I don't know why you think you're in a mess, hon. You're dating a new guy... not undergoing heart surgery! (smile)

And I think your friends are on the right track as far as their advice to you. You can control the pace of dating this guy. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

When you're having a wonderful time with someone, the temptation is to jump at every opportunity to be with him. But I think that's a mistake so many of us make... it creates a false sense of familiarity very early on the dating process. You're just starting to get to know each other and there's a LOT to learn. You really don't know what's going on in his mind, or even whether he's really as excited about YOU as he seems to be.

In terms of the red flags, I think you're right to be cautious about a guy who falls into relationships very quickly, much less someone who is getting over a brief but apparently very intense relationship. Two excellent reasons to keep your own distance for a while.

Don't allow yourself to get caught up in HIS drama. Keep in mind that some of his enthusiasm for you could be him trying to escape the pain of his break up, or trying to immediately place the woman he's dating in the role of "girlfriend" because that's his pattern.

But since you sound like you're aware of the dangers, I think you can date this guy without falling over a cliff with him. Set your own boundaries. You don't need to accept every offer for a date... keep it to once a week. You don't even have to accept every phone call. What you should do is make sure you keep yourself legitimately occupied with other social activities so you're not obsessing over him or keeping yourself "on-call" for his next email, phone call or invitation.

Good luck, and I hope it works out well for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
In reply to: vacn31
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:23pm

Well, that was all great advice. Its what I need to hear.

He called me on Monday and we really talked. And then we got together Wednesday night and had a great night together. Then Thursday night I called him and we had another good conversation. At the end of it, I asked what was going on this weekend. He said he would see what was going on and let me know.

Ok, that wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but I let it go. I can sometimes be high maintenance. Well, today I heard nothing. Finally, I called him at 7:45, got voicemail, and then he called me back.

He just sounded different. He went off about how long a night he had had on Thursday and all the errands he had to run. He was really run down. It was just a long story and it ended with him saying he was on his way to meet his ex's friend who was in town for a drink and then he was going to go to bed.

I was honest and told him I was just disspointed. He said again he is just really worn down. Anyway, we hang up. I then call him back. I don't know why. I just sensed something was up. We then start really talking.

I tell him that I like him and I need to know what is going on. He said look if I go out tomorrow night with anyone, it will be with you. I just start laughing. I pull the typical move and tell him I like him and need to know what is going on before I spend anymore time with this. He then goes into how he thinks I might be too into this. I said when I say like, it means you got past the second date, not that I'm going to marry you. I just need to know if I should invest anymore time with this.

Basically, its just weird, he was one way Thursday night and then another way Friday. He said it could be how he is feeling. He is withdrawing because he is tired. He is supposed to call tomorrow.

I don't know, I think I might be too into this. He sucked me in, but really I'm not up for the drama and me questioning everything. Its only been 3 dates. Its like I'm 16.

I need to meet someone else to go out with and just have this guy around, if he will be around after tomorrow, for fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vacn31
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 9:35am

vacn31...

Another PS from PG:

If you're not up for the drama.....don't permit yourself to become EXCLUSIVE or even think about EXCLUSIVITY.

Respond as a "free agent" and enjoy the men who would like to enjoy your company. Don't read anything else into the words we may (or may not) use. You'll wind up with high blood pressure and probably a coronary if you do!!!

To all ivillagers reading this....and I ask this question only out of curiosity:

"Where is written that 2 people have to "get serious" and plan the remainder of their lives after having just a couple of dates?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
In reply to: vacn31
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 11:32am

You are saying what I was saying to myself last week, but then I got reeled in. I think it was the homemade pasta and the blue eyes. And he said we should do something this weekend. Hence I made no other plans. MY FAULT!

And to answer your question:

Not to speak for all women, but I don't want to plan the rest of my life after three dates, but I would at least like to plan my weekend. Is that asking too much?

I'm supposed to talk to him today, but I have a feeling he won't call. He is a talker. He is always on the phone and can keep you on for hours telling stories, but when he actually has to discuss something, it seems he doesn't call at all.

Anyway, I have already lined up dinner with a friend. I was just mad at myself, but I'm over it.