I'm not ready?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
I'm not ready?
4
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:25pm

So, I just got done with what I guess was a date...sort of. Anyway, have been spending time with this guy for a couple weeks now. Things seemed to be going great, including today when we saw a movie and had great conversation talked about things to do this weekend even. Then as we are about to leave, he says that he is not sure that he is ready for a romantic relationship yet (he broke up with a girl about 3 months ago) although he is very interested in me and has been having a great time hanging out. He went on to say that he wants to continue to hang out, thus the plans for this weekend.

SO my question is, "I'm not ready" code for "I'm not into you"? Do I just need to suck it up and get over that while we might have lots of fun together, I just showed up at the wrong time? Also, there are a few things that I want to say to him, that didn't occur to me at the time (I was a little shocked). Is it okay to send him an e-mail to get a few thoughts off my chest, or does that make me the psycho stalker girl who he definitely isn't into now?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:57pm

It's funny - I went through something similar recently and it has worked out but it was tricky....a few questions though...
Have you guys had any physical contact while hanging out or going out?
How long have you known him?

My current bf had just been dumped 6-7 weeks before our first date. I knew he wanted to date me and get to know me but for the first few weeks I think his head was twisted a bit over it. He actually asked me at one point " Do you think it is possible to attach to someone new at the same time as you are detaching from the idea of someone else?"
I ended up telling him that I was aware of his recent break up and that these were risks I was taking with eyes wide open. I liked him quite a bit even back then and I told him that in my opinion nobody is so lucky that the universe hands them someone new only when they are totally ready. Timing is never perfect. Sometimes you have to hustle a bit and deal with feelings and closure and see what is in front of you.
About a month ago his ex called and he canceled a date on me because it screwed with his head. he ended up coming over late that night anyhow and apologizing. I figure that there will be ups and downs while he closes old chapters but we both agreed that it would be wrong to let it stop what we have going on which is truly genuine and good.
So you have to ask yourself if you are willing to take the risk of dating someone who doesnt have total closure on things? I am convinced that a lot of the time we are already dating people who are still at least half hung up on their ex and arent mentioning it. The key is for him to remain honest with you and for you to be aware of his feelings and yours as they relate to his.
I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 10:07pm

Hey

Thanks for your reply. I've known him now for about 4 months, but just really started hanging out in any serious way when he moved back to town about a month ago. He stayed over on Saturday night, although we did not have sex, which had me thinking that things were going great until he dropped this bomb today. I really like this guy, and don't want to lose him as a friend, so I'd like to avoid making things weird between us such that we cant hang out at all which makes me hesistant to say anything about it, but on the other hand, I really like this guy and would like for us to be more than friends. I'm just confused right now and searching for the right next move. Any thoughts are appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 10:42pm
You could continue to hang out with him, but with expectations low. Don't pressure him into doing or saying things he isn't ready for. Be his friend, and let him warm up to the both of you slowly and steadily. Your patience is required here, if you really feel you both have something you don't wanna lose, and if he does feel the same. Don't make demands, or get too insecure. Just keep things light, and he will totally appreciate it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:24am

I would ask him for clarification the next time you see him--but have that conversation in person, not over email!

Sheri