I'm not sure what to do...
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I'm not sure what to do...
| Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:11am |
I 'm not sure what to do. I have been sort of dating this guy for awhile. But he's got a really crazy schedule and so do i so we don't see each other a lot. We had both said we did not want anything too serious but I'm still not sure what to do. I like him but I don't want to go overboard. I just got out of a long relationship about 7 months ago and so did he so it's just a weird situation. Anyway, we send each other text messages through the week...stuff like how are you...hope you have a good day...and sometimes we talk. but lately, no talking. but it's not all his fault, as I don't call either. But i worry that I'm bothering him or I'm being too overbearing. I know I have to let the feeling go but I have just been told so many times about me being that way that I'm even scared to ask anything of him, like would he like to go out. Take tonight for intstance, I just got back from a trip today and he called tonight to "check up" on me. So he asked how I was and if I saw any of my friends and how my trip was. I told him but I also mentioned that I also have tomorrow off as a vacation day as sort of a hint. Well, either he didn't get it or didn't care. because all he said was--how did you manage that one? but then we just talked and he said, well i will let you go now. i wanted to say, what are you doing tonight or tomorrow? do you maybe want to go to dinner or lunch? but i said nothing just to be safe because I asked him a few other times and he is working or has plans with friends. But I don't know if it's me or if he's waiting for me to say something? I just don't know what to do. Would it be okay to call him tomorrow just to say hi? Or what. Sorry I was out of dating for six years and now I just have no clue. I have dated other guys since my ex but I never really have to do the asking or it just really didn't amount to much. I just don't know what to ask and I'm afraid he's going to say no. Is it okay for me to call him more often? Or just do I keep it a once a week thing? What do I do??????? And why am I so socially retarded? I kind of really like him and it freaks me out because it's so soon after the ex. Please help.

"But i worry that I'm bothering him or I'm being too overbearing. I know I have to let the feeling go but I have just been told so many times about me being that way that I'm even scared to ask anything of him, like would he like to go out."
librarygirl29, it sounds like you are all tied up in knots inside. Sometimes we have to take chances in life and this sounds like a nice safe way to take some steps in being assertive without being overbearing. You are probably not overbearing, just demonstrative. I would definitely speak more than once a week. The fact that he called to check up on you indicates that he is interested in you, so why not make a call? If a guy likes you, then he will respond to your interest, as well.
I know no one likes feeling rejected, but by being yourself, you get to flush out the guys that are not right for you quickly. So I prefer to stay who I am and if it works, it works and if it doesn't then life goes on. Hearing "no" or "not interested" or "no spark" "we don't mesh or click" hurts initially, but you get over it. I have been rejected and I have done the rejecting. It is uncomfortable regardless of what side you are on.
You have been broken up for 6 years? and that is too soon?
Definitely call him and see if he is up for a spontaneous day off with you. I prefer to have the guy do the asking out because then you know for sure that he wants to spend time with you, but guys do need to know whether or not you are interested in them. They are giving it back to us for all these centuries they have had to make the first overture without knowing if we were interested in them - kind of like a men's movement.
Actually I was with someone for six years and we broke up about 7 months ago.
I'm going to try asking him. I guess what do I have to lose?
I called him and he came over to hang out last night after work :) We did not do much besides watch tv, have a glass of wine and talk but it was nice. Actually I just called and I asked what he was up to and if he had anytime to hang out this week and he said well what are you doing now? So I told him nothing and he said he would come over. My only problem now is that I feel like calling him again today. I'm trying to fight the urge though. I tend to get carried away when I like someone. But I know he's busy & works tonight (he's a resident at a local hospital) and I have a final paper to write so it's not possible tonight. :)
THANK YOU!!!!!!
Great news!! It is nice that you had a great time. Dating will be tricky with a resident because their schedules are so hectic so there may be cancelled dates or last minute changes - depending on his area of specialty. I know how you feel about not calling him again but yet getting enthusiastic. He has plenty of encouragement behind him now so that he should be the one to call you for the next date.
Doesn't it suck that two people who like each other have to play stupid games to ensure that the guy doesn't get sick of the girl...so she doesn't call too much and the guy can't let the woman think that she "has" him so he keeps her "guessing" which only turns her stomach into knots and then she gets fed up. So stupid. Keep us posted on how things go. Have fun!!!
You bet this stinks! I can't believe that he would go back to an ex who treated him poorly. Ugh. If he does go back to her, he's not man enough for you. So there. It is good that he told you the truth and didn't date her behind your back.
While you may obsess on this and feel anxiety, it is better that he does not include you in his decision making process. So you went through the same thing?
I went through it too. Both my ex husbands, and a couple of dating partners after the second husband and someone who I thought ended up as a one night stand, but didn't tell me he was with someone else until after. He breaks up with her, calls me and I refused to see him. He lied because I made sure to ask if he was with anyone else before we slept together (I don't need psycho women in my life), "no". He calls me and tries to get me to see him again. I say, "no." He said that if he didn't lie to me I wouldn't have been with him. "and...your point is...?" I didn't realize it, but in moron-land, that is a compliment. I told him if you did it to her, you'll do it to me, sorry,have a nice life.
Back to you. Did he tell you when about he was going to make a decision? I would be surprised if he went back to someone who treated him poorly. How long were they together , do you know?
Thank you!I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing too. It sucks. I went through the same thing with my ex. We were together for over 6 years, engaged for four and then he cheated and I broke up with him and left. It actually only happened about seven months ago. But he still calls and wants to get back together. but I know there are other women. It is confusing because there is so much history there but I can't go back to someone treating me that way and i would never trust that he would not do it to me again. The thing was I was not trying to get into anything as it was just too soon. I wanted to just date around but I then met this guy and since we sort of went through the same thing we seemed to click and understand each other. You're right at least he was honest and did not try to date both of us at the same time. His ex cheated too and then left him. I think they were together for about four years. It's sad he would go back to her or even think about it. As a friend I would feel bad about any of my friends going back to someone who hurt them. I know he is confused. He did not let me know when he will figure this all out. I'm giving him a week. I'm just not sure if I call him or even email him to see how he is. If I don't I probably either look like i'm very hurt or that I just don't care that much or that i am the bigger person letting him have his space to make a decision.. It totally sucks.
Thank you for everything :)
"It is confusing because there is so much history there but I can't go back to someone treating me that way and i would never trust that he would not do it to me again." - I'm the same way. My first husband fell in love with someone else, told me, asked for the divorce and I said okay. About a week before we had to go back to court to finalize everything he started with the flowers and cards and wanted to stop the divorce. I said "no" because I sensed he was coming back to me for the wrong reasons (her breaking up with him - him being alone now). About 3 years later he calls me and wants to know if I want to have kids because he is about to impregnate another woman who has been dating. I'm like, "huh?" He wanted the divorce because he didn't love me as a wife anymore and he felt that it was because I stopped us from having kids. I stopped this because I sensed something was wrong between us. He focused on the symptom not the cause, but I feel he would have had an affair anyway down the road, kid or no kid. I suggested that he marry the woman first and he said no way. Eventually they married and now they are divorced as well.
"As a friend I would feel bad about any of my friends going back to someone who hurt them." - again, I am the same way. I once had a friend who dated a guy who she was nuts about and he was abusive towards her and an alcoholic and had a son from his first marriage. She had a soft spot for him, she referred to herself as a co-dependent. They broke up and one night, when we were out, she mentioned that they were getting back together and got engaged. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset that she would do this to herself and I wanted to protect her from this. So I guess I was a little too over protective anddemonstrative with the "what?! you cant do this!" part and she felt, because she carries baggage about her mother, that I came on too strong about it. She did not value a friend in her life who actually cared about her, because she doesn't care about herself, and I hope she got it back good in life .
My ex husband felt I butted in her business at that time, because I suggested otherwise. Now...these two morons....are part of the reason that my life got ambushed by a doctor and why I have experienced nothing but violence and isolation for the last 5 years. Oh...I'm coming on too strong for her liking? How about being spied on and being put into slavery Jenny? How would you like to try that on for size and live like I have had to live?! Talk about being strongarmed - she would have killed herself by now. My freak for a second husband decided to destroy my life (with these doctors) because I didn't want to share the proceeds of the house with him but...it was okay to leave our business to him, huh? He is a pathetic excuse for a man.
It is not so much that you will be a bigger person for leaving him to his own devices, but rather you are smarter and smarter for yourself, not so much him. It could take one week or 1 year, depending upon the man. You could email him after a while, more like a month and say that since you haven't heard from him, you think it might be a good idea that you move on, but if things change, please let you know.