I'm so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
I'm so confused!
2
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 1:45pm
I'm sure that a lot of you have situations that relate to this one. I would really appreciate any kind of feedback that you can give me. :-)
In September of 2005 I broke up with my first love. He and I had dated for a year and it was a "normal" relationship. A year later, I met my last ex. This last guy showed me everything that was "wrong" in my first relationship. He treated me very well, always called when he said he would, shared, and really made me feel important. The thing is, well, I always had the nagging feeling that I wasn't special. This guy is 25 and said "I love you" to six girls (other than myself). He was very much burned by his first love, and while he won't admit it, it's pretty obvious that he still carries the hurt. (On our first date he told me about this girl and said that she "made him the way he is today and taught him how to be a good boyfriend.) Anyway, our relationship moved very fast. We slept together after dating for three weeks, and he told me that he loved me after 5 weeks. A month later, he said that he felt we should break up, because well, "he didn't know how to transition into the next stage of being a couple." I was sad, but not nearly as broken up as I was with my first ex. After all, the current guy and I only dated for about three months. Anyway, for five months after we remained "friends" and talked via email at least 3 times a day. Finally, that was just messing with my head and we both decided it would be best not to talk for a while. Mind you, there was no animocity here -- it was just a decision best for both of us. This no talking policy lasted for about a month and a half until yesterday.
Yesterday I received an email from his very good friend inviting me (among many other people) to happy hour on this Friday. I thought this was strange being I hadn't seen this friend since December. But, I figured, the friend probably just invited everyone in his address book. So, I wrote a nice letter to the friend thanking him for the invitation, but explained that I had plans. I then received a call from my ex that night. This really caught me off guard (and I was shaking throughout most of the call). My ex called to say that he wanted me to know that he "wasn't sending me a message with his friend inviting me. He had nothing to do with it." He then went on to say he knew I wasn't coming because he knew I had plans, but wanted to clarify anyway. We then had about an hour conversation catching up, where among many topics of conversation, he told me that he went on a date, but "it was a thing that would fizzle in 6 months, so why bother." This whole conversation was very strange to me. First off, why did he call? Why haven't either of us really moved on? When we dated I never thought that he was "the one," but I certainly wanted him to be. Anyway, I just wanted to get some other perspectives here. If he calls again, how should I react?
Thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:29pm

Apparently you both have remained "there" because neither has chosen to move on. You remained friends after breaking up not allowing time for your healing. You can't be friends with you ex until you're over him. You need to time on your own to grive the loss and overcome the feelings.

He apears to be the type of man who moves very fast in the first stages of dating to decide to break it up soon after because he feels it's not going anywhere, or because "he doesn't know how to transition" which I found to be pure BS. It's possible that he's still thinking about your and that he's put tabs on you through the mutual friend. How would he know about you not attending the party and why in the world would he call just to clarify. This man is immature.

I'd move on and would not answer his calls/messages anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:52pm
Thank you so much for your reply. You're the second person to tell me that he's immature... something that I never really even thought about. This really helped. Thanks again!