I'm so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
I'm so confused
5
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:29pm
I'm really hoping someone objective can help me out here. I'm almost 27 and have been dating a 35 year old guy for 3 months (the age difference isn't an issue for either of us). Neither of us have ever been married or have any kids or any serious baggage. I am having the best time with him and really feel like he could be "the one" for me. Here's the problem...

Pretty early into the relationship he told me he wasn't ready to be exclusive and wanted the opportunity to date other people before he were to commit to me, he needed to see what else was out there (he hasn't dated in a while or been in a serious relationship and was just getting back into the dating scene, whereas I had been dating and I am ready to meet "the one"). As much as I wanted to be exclusive, I went along with him with the hopes he'd get it out of his system early on. We still continued seeing each other often and the subject wasn't discussed again. Now, it's 3 months we've been seeing each other and I wanted to know where we stand. Without trying to be too pushy I casually asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said "not really" which I took as a no. He asked if I was seeing anyone else and I was honest and said no. He also said he still wasn't sure what's going on in his head (whatever that means) and then the subject was pretty much dropped. I didn't want to be a nag and harp on it so I let it be. My dilemma...

Do I bring it up again and kind of give him an ultimatum like where is this going? And take the risk of scaring him away by moving too fast OR do I just give it some more time to sort things in his head and wait? How long do I wait as I sit here and fall for him more and more without knowing where this is going? I mean it's so strange. We have the best time together. We have so much in common. There are so many little indications that he's interested in me (I could sit here and type 'em out all night, but I wont). He's all that I'm looking for. Is he just scared? What is my next step? Please help.

Thanks, Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:49pm
When a 35 year old man says they want to "see what's out there", it means they do not want a relationship. You obviously do, so you are both heading in opposite directions. His comment, "not really" is not the same as "no", otherwise he would have said no.

Unless he's dealing with some heavy emotional baggage, 3 months is long enough for him to sort the thoughts in his head. I think he knows exactly how he feels about you. It's just not the same way you feel about him. You need to try to move on.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 1:31am
I agree with the previous poster. I would also add that you can't scare away someone who's right for you by asking questions, because he will be on the same page and want the same things.

Ask yourself this: if he NEVER decides he wants to be in an exclusive, committed r'ship with you, how long would you be willing to be in this r'ship? Whatever the answer is, give it that long and no more.

I'm sure he IS interested in you and enjoys your company! But it really doesn't sound like he wants the same things you do. Unless you can really be happy without commitment or exclusivity, it's probably best to reconsider whether this r'ship is in your best interests.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 10:03pm
Barbara, I wouldn't waste any more time with this man. It is clear that he's not planning to be exclusive in the near future and you can see that by this vague response. You are assuming that the "not really" means "no" but you didn't hear that. If you bring it up you'll get your answer, loud and clear, and will know where you stand. You have all the right to ask as you are a part of this deal. Basically, this man is not ready to date you exclusively so why waste more time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 5:06am
Don't be so available to this guy. Let him really appreciate you. See if he misses you. He may just want to be a player for now. Or Maybe he just thinks he wants to be a player for now, until you are not always around. Then he may want to be with you more when he has to wait. Maybe he doesn't even realize how much he'd miss you if you weren't around, until it hits him in the face. He can't have it both ways forever. So unless you are willing to go along with his agenda, iwould make my own agenda ,one that is emotionally healthy for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:28pm
I don't think you should bring it up again. You know where he stands. He does not want a relationship. Period. You went along with things in the hope that he would change his mind. He is keeping you around for the fun of it, while on the lookout for *the one*. Don't be his backup. You deserve to be with someone that only wants you. When you asked if he was seeing anyone, you mistook his *not really* to mean no. I believe that means YES loud and clear.

At 35 he should know what he's looking for.

At 27, you have a right to be treated well, and you won't find that if you're hanging on to someone who doesn't appreciate all you have to offer. Walk away and find someone who wants ONLY you, who isn't interested in seeing what else is out there. Leave before he tells you that he's found the one he wants to be his girlfriend- you are worth more than that.

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