im unapproachable- and i wanna change it
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| Sat, 05-27-2006 - 12:43pm |
i have a problem.
a big one too.
i have guy-friends.
i have no problem talking to random guys.
BUT whenever i have a crush on a guy, I just cant be myself.
for instance, whenever my crush smiles at me, or talks to me, i'd either ignore him, give him bad looks, or do both. problem with me, is that i CANT OPEN UP TO THE GUY I LIKE. i tend to build extremely thick, high walls around myself when im around my crush. what is UP with that? why do i always become this unapprochable girl, just around him?
i DO have self-confidence, if thats what your wondering. this would be an extreme way of putting it, but i do love looking at myself in the mirror, so you could say that im arrogant and vain, even.
ok so iv tried to change myself. ive tried to CONVINCE myself that i dont like him. but it never works, whenever hes around i can never seem to act the same way as with everyone else. so ive asked myself WHY i build these walls around him. and i thinki found out why : I WANT TO SEE MY CRUSH MAKING AN EFFORT. If i do se, that hes making an effort to get my attention, to get a conversation going, to .. anytthing really, then I CAN SEE that he likes me.its PROF.
so now i know why i build the walls. but i still cant get rid of my extreme "unapproach-ability".
its horrible. ive had a crush on this guy for about 10months now. i had a feeling he liked me too. he smiled, and even leaned on me when we were cued up in line. he made a LOT of effort to get my attention, i could see it. but i still was the cold-hearted b***. and now, i found out that he's going out with another girl. i felt betrayed when i found out. but now that i think clearly, i dont blame him, i really dont. he deserves to be happy. i may have had a chance with him, but i didnt let him.
im mad at myself for being this way. and it hurts everytime i see the 2 together. this isnt the first time, something like this has happened to me.
do you have any advice for me?
i dont want anything like this to happen to me AGAIN. (i say this everytime,but this time, i sincerely mean it!!) i mean, what would you do if you were me? how would you get rid of your unapproachability-ness.

I was much the same way in my younger years (20s) as you describe yourself! Wow, that was an interesting post to read! I've found that as I get older, I'm mellowing a lot and able to let men get closer to me. This has been after many years of being rejected and passed by (and why wouldn't guys reject me! I was very closed and cold). And also many years of being in bad relationships or no relationship, and then lots of self-reflection and work in therapy.
Don't beat yourself up too much about it! Remember, if it's meant to be, it'll be. What you're dealing with is not a reflection of who you are deep inside, your true self, but rather the prickly walls you've built around yourself. So, when someone passes you by and you feel betrayed, remember that they're not really passing *you* by, it's more this exterior shell they're unable to see through and moving away from. And also I have found that there are some very special men out there who can see through these types of walls, but that's the minority. So you probably don't want to bank on that but rather get back to your true self so that most any man can see how easy it would be to fall in love with you! ;-)
You're realizing that you have some problems here and that's the first step to dealing with this. I would get into counseling also. I also can relate to what you say about feeling very confident. Low self esteem, I think, can really hide itself in sneeky ways, like behind the guise of a confident woman!
mdeux, I think it is great that you recognize this and want to do something about it. I spent my entire life being like this - total fear when I was around someone who I liked. It gets worse, so that you are never yourself around female or males. Handling this now is a very good thing.
There is a confidence issue, even if it isn't recognizable. I am confident in myself, things I do, my abilities, etc. I know that many individual's love being around me, say I'm fun, positive, interesting, but any time the attention was being focused directly at me I would choke - moreso when it was someone I was interested in. IMO, it was way too much pressure to live up to what these people thought of me because nobody knew the scared little girl part, the one that wasn't sure what she wanted, the part of me that doubted my abilities and looks. I would think if they were really seeing me they would see that person and not the outer individual which they knew - I'd turn into ice queen out of fear that they will not like who I really am (individual behind the outer core).
I have learned a few things: One being we all have that little girl and boy inside of us but not everyone has the same fear that others will see our vulnerabilities. That I'm not just the inner part of me, but both inner and outer. Nobody is going to like everything about me and I'm not going to like everything about them, but if you like someone then you can accept the parts you don't care about. Afraid of being hurt? Yep, sure am but guess what - being afraid is hurting me too. Do I take things too personally, oh yeah... but recognizing that helps me to realize that people have their lives and not everything they do is about me :). Truth be told, it is about them and rarely anything to do with me.
Many individuals have said that taking Public Speaking Courses have helped them (I never tried it). I am still working on it, so when I'm with someone I really like I try to focus on my breathing and relaxing. Over the time, I've been able to reduce the need to be liked and wanted to a "normal and manageable level." You know what - it really is okay if they don't like me, there are lots of people who will. I discovered, if they don't like me... I won't die, its not the end of the world, and I do find those who like me for myself.
There are lots of self-help books and information on the web to help you through this. You've already done the hardest part - recognizing their is a real problem. Good Luck!
Cheryl
Cheryl
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I think this is a situation most people can relate to--it's an automatic defense mechanism that kicks in because we don't want to appear vulnerable and get rejected. I too, was very much like this, and then eventually I realized that life is short and if I was going to give myself any chance of finding happiness with a man I'd have to get over myself. I echo what others have said--try to view your crush as you would any other guy so that you can be yourself around him. And show that you like him by being attentive, smiling, making eye contact, etc. You can do this without appearing desperate and if he's already showing you attention, that should make things a lot easier. You just have to reciprocate.
If this is a long-ingrained pattern of yours, it will take time to change. Start with little things. Next time you're talking to your crush, make a conscious effort to smile and make more eye contact. The next few times, do other things like asking him questions about himself, showing interest in what he's saying, etc. Do a little more each time and before long, you'll no longer be unapproachable.
wow. reading all these replies really made me feel COMFORTABLE. i honestly thought, that i was the ONLY ONE going through this problem, coz whereever i look, my friends and other girls around me are always confident, and flurting around guys like nothing is bothering them. i really wish i could be like that. no, i WILL be like that someday. lol.
i was SURPRISED how all of you told me how i PROBABLY DO HAVE A LOW-SELF ESTEEM WITHOUT KNOWING IT.. which is in a way both interesting, and shocking to hear. now, i gess im going to have to accept that I have a low-self esteem, and try to work my way from there.
its also really true how most of you said that IM SCARED OF BEING REJECTED AND APPEARING VULNERABLE. i know, that there is nothing i can do, if my crush finds out the real me and doesnt like me for who i am.I DONT EXPECT EVERYONE TO LIKE ME. but id be lieing if i said that it wouldnt hurt if my crush didnt like me for who i am. coz it would really hurt. and I DONT KNOW WETHER IM STRONG ENOUGH to cope with that.
PIMIBROO- you sound like a psychic really. and i mean that in a good sence. coz really, i DO have high expectations for my crush, ALL THE TIME. and reading your comment made me realise that, among with the million reasons why i build high, thick walls around me, one of the reason is because I DONT REALLY WANT TO GET TO KNOW THE GUY, simply because he probably wont be the "mr.perfect" that i imagined and hoped he'll be. i gess il have to quit imagining what my crush is like, as well as asking people casually about his personality and interests. Hopefully my expectations of my crush will reduce once i have no clue what hes like.
SERINA_DH - yes i am afraid of being hurt. and yes, i do take things (everything!) personally. at night before i sleep i do a replay of the highlights of my day. and litle things that have happened to me that may not have made me flinch in day time, keeps me awake all night. it replays over and over and i cant stop thinking "she/he must hate me, i mean why else would he/she do/say that?!" it gets on my nerves but i cant control it. like you said, i gess il have to realize that not everythings about me. the person who did/say something to me that kept me up at night, probably forgot the event in a couple of hours. i just have to tell myself that NOT EVERYONES TRYING TO ATTACK ME
LUCKY4ELLE - <> those words are like magic. whenever i feel bummed, and sad, and useless, and hopeless, after my crush goes for another girl, i will read those words and TELL MYSELF THAT I NEED TO GET RID OF MY THICK WALLS. its very reasuring too, coz by that time, im probably beating myself about it a lot.
LIGHTANDBRIGHT - i agree with the fact that i must present myself as who i am in front of my crush. what more of a turn off is a "fake" girl? and the reason why i look at myself in the mirror and be all vain, may be to just simply REMIND MYSELF THAT I AM CONFIDENT, when actually im not.
SANTABARBARACHICK- its reassuring to again, to read in words that im not the only one going through this problem.and yes, this "unapproachability"- thing is a cycle i go through. and although its only a simple 6 words, "it wil take time to change" again reasssures me a lot. ive tried and tried to view my crush as any other guy, but it never works. i attemp to smile, and it did work, but not for long, coz i feel like nothings changing and that im still unapproachable. so then, i get frusturated, and then i give up and the "unapproachability" starts from scratch, coz I CANT BOTHER TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO CHANGE MYSELF. im sure the words, "it will take time to change", will keep me going and prevent me from giving up.
thank you so much for reading the long comment, and responding.
it means a lot.