Insensitive to tears......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Insensitive to tears......
7
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 8:49pm
My boyfriend gets really cold and distance if I cry. Why are some men so insensitive to tears? I keep telling him that I have feelings and I cry once in awhile. Is there anyway that I can make him be more comforting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 11:15pm
Are you crying about something sad in a movie, something sad in your life or because of something he said? Does he shut down no matter what sort of crying it is? I dont' know how you can teach someone to be more comforting, but you can state your needs and see what he does. You chose the words cold and distant...do you mean defensive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 1:19pm
I'm actually not one to cry often. Its usuallly because we have a fight or something. So people fight all the time but to him he's thinking why am I crying. Dah!!!! Anyways, it always take a few hours to a day for that distance between us wears off. Just looking for a way to ease the tention.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:19pm
Most guys just don't know what to do when a woman starts crying. If all you want is for him to hold you, then you need to tell him that that will help ease things for you. I know I get emotional at times, but I do feel better if I am held and can just cry for a bit. As long as you're not using it as a manipulation tool to get him to apologize to you, then there's nothing wrong with being upset and asking for a little comfort. You may also want to look at what is making you cry, is it the same kind of fight or topic that sends you over?

Talk to him about it when you're not in tears and tell him what you need from him. Men respond better if they don't feel they are being coerced into something. Just be honest with him.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:24pm

My guess is he views your crying as a manipulation and plea for attention.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:48pm
I agree totally!

If you are crying only when you two get into a fight, he is viewing your crying as emotional blackmail as if you are so mean that I’m now crying etc.

If you want better results, force yourself to walk away and cool down when you are emotional and feel as though you are going to cry and talk to him calmly when you’ve gained your composure and can talk rationally about what is bugging you, or whatever the argument is about.

There are many women that use crying as emotional blackmail and if you are only crying when the two of you fight, I think this may be why you are getting the reaction you are getting, because he feels you aren’t “fighting fair” and there is a fair way to get into an argument, you don’t bring up past indiscretions when it isn’t the topic at hand and you don’t burst into tears to gain the upper hand…even if you aren’t deliberately doing that, it will appear that way too him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:16pm
A lot of men are uneasy about crying. They aren't sure what to do. I wouldn't take it personally. As to how you can "change" him, well, you really can't change someone. If he has other strong points, focus on those. If you really think he is too insensitive, you might want to reconsider the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:52pm
I agree with the last person who responded to your post. If you feel he is too insensitive, perhaps you could re-evaluate your selection in a mate.

Another option is to ask him what he thinks when you cry. Find out if he is making assumptions about you manipulating him. Find out what is it that makes him back off. When you cry, ask yourself what's going on... maybe he says something that pisses you off. Sometimes, when women are angry, they cry instead. Share that with him.

Use this as an opportunity to communicate with him about your needs, and allow him the chance to express himself. If things don't change to your liking, perhaps it will be time to explore other options with other people.

A~