Interested and a little rusty......LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Interested and a little rusty......LOL
8
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 6:51pm
I have been divorced for almost 3 years now and since the divorce have really only been involved in one serious relationship. I have dated a few other guys a time or two but haven't gotten past the initial few dates, either for a lack of interest on my part or theirs. I really haven't put much effort into finding dates or going out, my main concern has been getting my life back on track. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past couple of years. I purchased my own home, have gotten completely out of debt except for my mortgage, spent a lot of time figuring out who I was and realizing I could be self-sufficient and not HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. All that said, at this point I feel like I am ready to get out and be more proactive in dating.
So here is where I am at.......There is this man who over the summer I saw 3 or 4 times in passing while at the softball fields where my daughter plays. I help coach and he also coaches(not my daughters team). We never actually talked the times we saw each other, but a couple of those times there was that awkward moment of eye contact when you catch the other person looking at you or checking you out at the precise time you were checking them out. Then you both smile shyly and turn away. A couple of weeks ago at my son's basketball tryout, I was sitting on the bleachers when he walked in. He made a point to walk over to me with a big smile and say, "Hey, are you following me or what? You seem to be everywhere I go". Dumb me, all I can do is laugh/giggle and say, "Yeah, I must be". And again there was that somewhat awkward eye contact where you want to say something else, but just really don't know what to say or really have the opportunity to say it because of the time and place. That was all he said and went to help with the tryouts since he helps with organizing the league. I didn't get another chance to just briefly say "bye" that day, because the coaches all were staying after the tryouts to divide up the teams. Since then I have thought about him at times and wondered if maybe he had some interest, but just didn't know how to approach me since we had never really talked. I guess he obviously noticed me, or he wouldn't have made the comment he did. The last piece of this whole story is that a couple of days ago I called him about a meeting the softball league was having. (Of course I volunteered for that duty being the league secretary ;) It was really just a legit "business" call to let him know about the upcoming meeting. He remembered me from the softball field and basketball tryouts.....anyway what might have taken 5 minutes turned into a twenty minute phone call. We talked just about the softball league and business stuff, but chatted for twenty minutes about it. I said several times I was taking up too much of his time, but he insisted it was fine and we kept talking. So long story short.........I believe this guy is single and available according to the info I got from a close friend of mine who is also an aquaintance of his. We probably won't cross paths again for a while unless I make the opportunity arise....I really gave him no outward indication I was interested, and my phone call to him would appear to be for "business" only. Having been out of the dating game for WAY too long, am I making something out of absolutely nothing?? Do I ask my friend to test the waters for me??? Do I simply do nothing because I am completely crazy for thinking he might be interested??? Do I be the assertive woman and just call him up and ask him out??? Wow, I am completely inept at this dating, flirting, relationship thing after being out of it for so long. He seems like he would be a really nice guy to get to know(even just as a friend), we have a lot of the same interests and my friend says he is one of the nicest guys he knows. So what do you guys think............I think this is going to be a long learning process for me to get back in the dating game!!!!!......LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 4:25am

fairy10...

Pianoguy really liked your "HEY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME OR WHAT" remark.

Of course...this would have been the perfect opportunity to follow it with...one of 2 others:

a. "If people keep seeing us at the same sporting events, they'll start to assume we're a couple?"

or

b. "Maybe we should get together afterwards and talk about our favorite sports?"

Either way...the man would have had to respond???

I realize that "breaking the ice after a 3-year divorce" is tough for BOTH SEXES! But the only way to tell if there's interest is to ASK? Or at the very least...EXPRESS YOUR INTEREST (VOCALLY) toward "the object of your affection?"

So the next time you have a close encounter with the man...TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 2:06pm

Thanks for the input PG........I have been lurking for a little while and always enjoy reading your posts......Good advice, usually paired with some choice humor as well.

If I could have thought quickly enough I definitely could have come out with one of your suggestions. I hate being quiet and never knowing what to say or just how to say it without looking like a totally inept idiot....LOL I guess maybe we have to look like an idiot a few times before we get the flirting game down, huh???

I know it's just as tough for the guys to break the ice as it is for us women. Here is my quandry, I was always raised to be the polite, non-agressive woman. I was told that if men are interested they will make the first move, but I am just not seeing how that can always be true. I KNOW there are men out there who are just as intimidated at the thought of "breaking the ice" as a lot of us women.

Thanks a bunch Pianoguy, I just maybe need to get the courage up and step out there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 11:13pm

fairy10...

THANKS SO MUCH for your very kind words. .

Sometimes it's A BETTER IDEA for a woman to be the aggressor instead of waiting for the man to make the 1st move?

Here are 2 and a half reasons:

a. It gives most of us your 'verbal confirmation' that it's okay to pursue you?

or

b. It gives us the opportunity to politely say: "Thanks for the invitation, but I'm involved with someone else right now." .

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 11:56pm


You are very welcome for the comments, like I said I always enjoy the wisdom with which you give others advice. Maybe you should have done something along the lines of psychology??? LOL And the side comments sometimes leave me just giggling..... :)

It's funny though, the women who have shared their thoughts with me all say....Hold back make HIM make the first move....DON'T appear desperate...if he is interested HE will let you know.....men love the thrill of the chase, etc.

And the flip side......the men who have given me advice say.....let him know, he may be as shy as you......give him subtle hints and then let him decide......just openly share how you are feeling.....etc......

I am just as confused as I was before....LOL....I guess there is no truely right answer and I have to use my brain to figure out what to do in this situation. I would definitely never come across as the desperate woman, because I certainly am not. I am at a good place in my life and have accomplished so much as an individual since my divorce. I am just ready to branch out and find a companion to share time with.

Thanks again PG for your advice, it's nice to hear things from the guy's perspective. It definitely puts a different light on things sometimes......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 7:36am
I think PG's advice is spot on, so I can't really add anything to it. But... to all the folks who are giving you advice. Look at their statuses... are they single? married? And then decide who's advice might be the right one. I am definitely NOT into pursuing a man however, I do know that men need subtle hints to know it's ok to pursue. So it may not be either/or, it may just be a combination of the answers you've received!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 7:54pm

Hi Kerry!

Pianoguy thinks you brought up an EXCELLENT point!

Any advice (or even a suggestion) will vary depending upon several factors:

1. If the person offering it is (or has been) married, divorced, widowed, single or separated?

2. If the person had a terrfic 1st relationship, but everything after that went downhill? This could make him (or her) more than a little miserable?

3. If the person has only had unhappy or miserable relationships...through the fault of making poor (or impulsive) choices or if he (or she) had unrealistic expectations about a partner?

4. If the person knows in his (or her) heart that having someone around is a 'poor substitute' just to eliminate THEIR OWN LONELINESS?

The first 3 speak for themselves. But the 4th one is probably the reason many of us JUMP from one relationship to another! Maybe it's because some of us are "afraid to be ALONE?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 11:37pm

Thanks again Pianoguy and cl-bklynchik....you both give good advice....

PG- Number 4 in you post is exactly why I have not really been dating for the last couple of years. My VERY wise aunt told me to not even THINK about men or dating for at least a year, to give myself time to find who I was and what I wanted. It was HARD at first, it's daunting at times to come out of a marriage and find yourself alone and raising your children all alone. It would be very easy to step right back into a relationship just for the shear fact you are afraid you can't handle it alone. Well, now three years later and a much more confident and self-assured person here I am. I have gone from being hugely in debt, and living in my aunts house when I left my marriage to being debt-free except for my house, and actually having money in savings. I have found I can be alone and am completely capable of raising my kids, and running a household all alone. I can even use power tools efficiently....LOL You should have seen me three years ago.....completely terrified and unable to leave an abusive marriage for precisely the fact I was "afraid to be alone". Now I actually look forward to those quiet minutes alone......Amazing!!!! It feels good not to NEED a relationship, but to WANT one for all the right reasons. Just the reason I want to be so subtle in letting this guy know I might be interested, but not letting a possible opportunity pass by.

Thanks again for all your wisdom guys...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:29am
I agree. Take a chance - even if it doesn't pan out as you wish, at least you'll feel good about trying
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