Interested in a new guy but some issues
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| Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:59pm |
In the past I posted extensively on here about my ex, the guy that lived at home, was an alcoholic, and was a child at heart. I am finally starting to get over him, esp after having moved out to San Diego now for a month. I am finally starting to settle in around here, find a job, etc. I may have met someone new, but I am not sure how this is going to turn out. I like the guy but he is a bit older than me, about 20 years older.
Let me start from the beginning, besides this website, I also post on another messageboard that deals with breakups, healing and moving on. I have been posting on thre since Sept. A lot of people also post helpful advice to me on there about getting over my ex, moving on, etc. One of the guys who answered my posts lives in the same town I now live in. One day he PMd me about how my move was and if I needed any help, advice, or to chat, that he could do so. He is a lot older than me. He is in his 50's and I am only 32. He is also in the middle of getting a divorce with his wife (she initiated it).We PMd each other a few times and I met up with him last Sat to watch him fly kites with his buddy. I didnt talk to him long but we seemed to hit it off. He then told me that if I ever wanted someone to go hang out with or to go eat, he would be open to it. I emailed him Monday to let him now that I was glad to have met up with him and asked if we could go and grab a bite one of these days. He told me if I wanted to, we could grab lunch this weekend. We ended up going out to lunch today. I had a great time with him and he showed me where the good Asian food places were in the area. He then also drove me around the city pointing out places that were good to go biking, to watch sunsets, etc. He showed me where he used to live before they split up. He even showed me the city viewing from the beach. He seemed like he liked my company. He did associate a lot of the places that he took me to, with his soon-to-be ex wife. He talked about her a lot which was ok with me.
We were out for about 3 hours and when he dropped me off at home, he told me that I was a really nice girl with a good sense of humor and that I would not have trouble making freinds or meeting people out here. He then said that I should be happy that my ex is out of my life because he really wasnt the right one for me. I told him that I had a great time and that we could do this again if he wanted to. He sounded like he was happy I said that and he told me that we could go out again and to keep in touch.
I hope he will go out with me again. He seemed like he had a good time and he seemed like he was into me, but I cant tell. I dont know how to tell these things.
What you guys think?

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I guess I was wrong. I dont think he wants to go out with me again. I sent him a PM telling him that I had a good time and let him know again that if he wants we could hang out again. He didnt write me back, and he is online on the site. Oh well.
How can people tell if the guy wants to go out with them again? Is there any sure way of telling?
He finally did email me tonight. This is his email, how would you guys interpret it, as him brushing me off?
B,
I had a good time and hope to see you again soon. Best of luck on the job search.
Take care, lady
S
Edited 2/11/2006 1:55 am ET by renaissancewoman101
To me it sounds like he is not ready to date and realizes that. He made no advances toward you, he did not ask you out either on this meeting or a future one and the time he asked you to meet him was completely platonic and with a buddy of his. He sounds like he is being very wise in that he is just getting out of a relationship and is very much NOT over the ex-wife - the huge amount of talk and reminiscing should be a big clue to that.
I think it sounds like he could wind up being a good friend to you in a new city but that he is definitely not ready for a relationship. You might be on the way, but for you to get yourself hung up on someone that is not ready is a sign that you might not be ready either - that's a sign of passive commitment-phobia so think about why you are interested in a guy that has made no romantic overtures at all and in fact spent most of the time telling you about his ex.
He sounds like a nice guy that is protective of you and wants to make sure that you have a friend and learn about your new home. Keep him as a friend, but don't expect any romance here, at least not for a long time. He needs space to heal and get over his marriage. If he were interested romantically at this time, he would have asked you out. But seriously, it's better that he realizes he's not ready for that - for both of you!
Vexer, your post really hit home. I know he is not ready to have a relationship with anybody. He is still very hung up with his situation. I am just looking for someone to hang out with and be friends with. I am lonely out here and I am new out here and I am still getting over my recent breakup. He was/is a kind person. He PMd me on this relationship recovery site because he knew I was moving into town and that I was new in the area and he wanted to be nice to me. He wanted to give me some job search advice, etc. and he was the one who suggested that we could hang out for coffee or lunch, he suggested that in PM's and after the first time I hung out with him and his buddies watching them fly kites.
Should I ask him out to hang out again, or just let this be?
I think you've let him know that you are interested in hanging out again so I'd let it be for now and let him set the pace and ask you to do something next. There's no harm in staying in touch, but keep it light. Even though he seems interested in being a friend and PMed you first, too much pressure (even friendly pressure) could scare him off in his vulnerable state. He does sound like a very kind person to take you under his wing and show you around - but to me, his help so far sounds almost fatherly so if I were you, I'd take it for what it is and let him set the pace for a while. Hopefully you will find a new job soon and start making some other friends. You might want to join some groups or take a class to meet other people so he won't be the only person you know.
Good luck!
I think we are going to hang out again on Friday. Yesterday was a tough day for me. I got a call from the ex's mother saying that her son broke up with his gf and that he was now "available" but only if I had cleaned up my life and taken care of some of the things that were going wrong in my life. I posted about that at the other website and how confused I was. A lot of people posted responses to help me, etc. Even the guy I hung out with PMd me and we PMd each other a few times and on the site. THen I asked him if we could go and hang out again and he emailed me back, "yes, let me know what you want to do. Fridays are still good for now"
What you think? All I am looking for is a friend to hang with
Just be careful. It sounds like you are realizing this is a friend situation but make sure that you REALLY know that.
Also, I still suggest that you get out and meet new people so you are not completely relying on him for emotional support and things to do. It's nice that he is willing to do this, but you need a bigger support system and also just for both of your sakes, you need additional friends.
You really need to be cautious about this. You have a pattern of getting attached to and obsessed with unavailable or inappropriate men. This guy is unavailable due to his marital situation not being resolved, and as much as you might want him as a friend, I think he's "danger" to you given your patterns.
Why not focus on making female friends at the moment? And have you thought about getting back into counseling to deal with your issues and break your pattern once and for all?
And you *definitely* don't need your ex's weirdo mother calling you or to even be THINKING about getting back together with him!!! You need to learn to cut people who are not emotionally healthy out of your life.
Sheri
Sheri, why would he be a "danger" to me? He is older than me by almost 20 years. And yes he is going through a divorce. He wrote to me first, PMd me first on that site because I was moving into town and he offered to get together. We seemed to hit it off as friends last Friday and he sent me some real nice PM's yesterday after the whole fiasco with the ex and his mother. So, I PMd him last night and asked him to hang out again this week and he said Friday was still good and what did I want to do?
Are you getting bad vibes from this? Am I being pushy? Right now I am vulnerable. I just moved into a new town, need to find a job, and am trying to get myself established out here. I havent made any new friends out here yet because I dont know how to go about doing that and because I spend too much time driving up to LA to see my parents and my best friend. I just want someone to be friends with. I am not even sure if he wants to be friends with me. I dont know. I dont know how to read people at all.
Here's why Sheri gets bad vibes from this.
You have absolutely NO positive self-image. so to you - anybody that wants to interact is a "good person" - because they're showing you attention and inclusion.......and until you get smack up int he middle of something negative and scary - you won't realize it.
This guy is 20 years your senior, going thru a divorce. Let's say that he just wants to be friends? As in - what do you two have in common other than "shoulders" that need hugging?
Probably nothing.
So what's going to transpire most likely. He'll show up and you're so grateful for inclusion and attention, you're adoring and worshipping him. You'll take flirtation to an entirely more physical level...and then you'll be upset when all he wants is sex.....or if he wants nothing at all because you're not his type, or he's not ready for this sort of involvement.
If you want to have someone to hang out and chill with - great, we can all appreciate that.
But realize right now you have no self-esteem, no self-image...so you only see yourself as you believe other people see you. So whenever yo'ure included or paid attention - you want to see them as "liking you" as a person.
But honey, you're a shell of a person. You're not complete. YOu're a body to utilize for instant gratification. You're someone to rat kill time with if someone has nothing better to do. You're not someone with interests, goals, focus, and opinions and living large and in charge of your own destiny so that 'knowing' you is interesting.
You're someone to be utilized and discarded..and so you're wanting to be involved with someone you met on a lonely heart's website that has already told you he'd unavailable for anything but instant gratification if that is an option/mutual desire - and you're going "what is the problem?" That's the problem.....you have no self-image.
You're think you're irrelevant...and you teach other people to treat you as disposable.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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