Interested in a new guy but some issues
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| Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:59pm |
In the past I posted extensively on here about my ex, the guy that lived at home, was an alcoholic, and was a child at heart. I am finally starting to get over him, esp after having moved out to San Diego now for a month. I am finally starting to settle in around here, find a job, etc. I may have met someone new, but I am not sure how this is going to turn out. I like the guy but he is a bit older than me, about 20 years older.
Let me start from the beginning, besides this website, I also post on another messageboard that deals with breakups, healing and moving on. I have been posting on thre since Sept. A lot of people also post helpful advice to me on there about getting over my ex, moving on, etc. One of the guys who answered my posts lives in the same town I now live in. One day he PMd me about how my move was and if I needed any help, advice, or to chat, that he could do so. He is a lot older than me. He is in his 50's and I am only 32. He is also in the middle of getting a divorce with his wife (she initiated it).We PMd each other a few times and I met up with him last Sat to watch him fly kites with his buddy. I didnt talk to him long but we seemed to hit it off. He then told me that if I ever wanted someone to go hang out with or to go eat, he would be open to it. I emailed him Monday to let him now that I was glad to have met up with him and asked if we could go and grab a bite one of these days. He told me if I wanted to, we could grab lunch this weekend. We ended up going out to lunch today. I had a great time with him and he showed me where the good Asian food places were in the area. He then also drove me around the city pointing out places that were good to go biking, to watch sunsets, etc. He showed me where he used to live before they split up. He even showed me the city viewing from the beach. He seemed like he liked my company. He did associate a lot of the places that he took me to, with his soon-to-be ex wife. He talked about her a lot which was ok with me.
We were out for about 3 hours and when he dropped me off at home, he told me that I was a really nice girl with a good sense of humor and that I would not have trouble making freinds or meeting people out here. He then said that I should be happy that my ex is out of my life because he really wasnt the right one for me. I told him that I had a great time and that we could do this again if he wanted to. He sounded like he was happy I said that and he told me that we could go out again and to keep in touch.
I hope he will go out with me again. He seemed like he had a good time and he seemed like he was into me, but I cant tell. I dont know how to tell these things.
What you guys think?

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He's a danger because you have a pattern of getting involved with men who are not appropriate or available due to your fundamental neediness, along the lines of Erin's post. I think there's a 99.99 percent chance that if you continue to spend time with him, you will become overly involved with and/or obsessed with him despite his being older and going through a divorce. He (or any man who offers you the slightest amount of attention, regardless of his unavailability or inappropriateness) is like crack and you're an addict.
Whether you are being pushy or not (and I don't think you were) is NOT the issue, it's your neediness. You need to fill that neediness in ways that are safe for you, and I honestly think that means female friendships only for the time being, while you're going to therapy to resolve your neediness and self-esteem issues.
What about volunteering at an animal shelter and meeting some people that way?
Sheri
Erin, that is kind of mean to say, that I am not an interesting person to know. I do have a mind of my own and I do have interests that I like like guinea pigs and Ren Faires. I do have a mind of my own and feelings and interests. It just takes time before I am comfortable expressing them and letting them out.
Right now, all I want is a friend to hang with. I also dont mind listening to people. I am not looking for a relationship, not at this time. And no, I dont flirt with him. When I went out with him on Friday, all we did was go out to eat and he showed me around the city a bit. I was nice to him, no flirting or anything like that, but I was friendly. I put my best foot forward and was decent and I was in a good mood and trying to portray an air of confidence. I know on that site I post a lot and I sound very unsure of myself and unconfident but I am different in person and I think he picked that up on Friday.
I am going to go out and make new friends, it will just take me time. As for him, he may very well cancel out by Friday. He told me we could hang on Friday and asked me what I wanted to do. I emailed him back this morning and he didnt reply. I am going to leave it alone. If I dont hear back from him by Thursday night, I will just assume he didnt want to hang out.
I am not going to get hung up over this. It aint worth it. I am in a new city and I can go out and meet people.
I am not some pathetic moron that needs someone to feel sorry for me.
If you're just wanting someone to hang out with - why are you limiting yourself to this one person at a time approach?
if you're that interesting, fulfilled, and living large and in charge of your present and your future - why are you seeking out people to hang with - why aren't you in contact and equality based interaction wtih people who do what you do, and are where you are in life existentially and situationally?
That's all we're trying to point out.
If you sit there listening to someone's fears and troubles, having all sorts of feelings that you believe interacction will cure - you're giving them an ego boost being a listening ear with no requirement to hear you at all whatsoever. So you teach them you're there for them - when they want it...while them being there for you is not the point of interaction for either of you.
That's what you did with the boyfriend....which is why you call him a "child at heart" - it's easier for you to believe he's childlike and therefore in capable of a mature, equality based, mutually beneficla relationship - than it is to believe that your relied on him for a sense of identity, success, security, and acceptability and happiness - while being totally disregarded because the relationship was all about him.....by both of you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
But to reduce your reliance on this one guy, what's the harm in getting out and joining a church group, a running group, taking a class, volunteering somewhere? Not only will it introduce you to new people, it will get you out of the house and your mind off your issues of finding a job and the ex. Why focus on only one friend at a time? THAT's the part that's not healthy here. You say you are "interested" in him in your original title, but you say you are only looking for friends. I think if this guy is the only person you know in your new city, you'll develop too close of an attachment to him. He's going through a rough time himself and that co-dependency could work against both of you.
If you're lonely, the only fix is to meet new people. It is really important to widen your circle of friends (well, develop one - you don't know anyone other than him) and include women friends. I don't think Erin or Sheri have any intention of being mean, but rather to try to get you to wake up here - you MUST get out there and reduce your reliance on this guy. From Sheri's post, you have a tendency to cling to a certain person and get almost addicted to them. In order for you to ever have a healthy relationship with someone, you need to get away from that by developing a wide group of people you know and can rely on.
Though I can see why you would object to Sheri or Erin's post, I would ask you to read what they are saying. Like Sheri, I too am concerned about you. Your original post here said that you were interested in this guy in a way that is more than just friends. And though you've said otherwise, I get the vibe that if this guy expressed an interest in you, that you would jump at the opportunity.
Why are you really focusing on him and not working on meeting new groups of people? If you want friends, more might be better rather than focusing just on him.
Just be careful. Though I don't know you, I definitely don't want to see you back here and hurting.
Good luck!
Thanks everybody for caring about my well-being. I am not looking to set myself up for a nasty downfall. I know I need to go out and meet people and expand my circle of friends. I am just finding it very hard to go out and meet people. Lately, I am tending to just hide out in my apartment, go see my family, go visit my best friend in Irvine, or go shopping. I am having a hard time going job hunting and/or going to join in clubs so I can meet new people. I dont know why I am so afraid to do it. I know I need to and want to, and yet I dont do it. I just stay holed up in here. I really dont know what is wrong with me. It is as though I am afraid of rejection so I dont go out and try. I need to go and find a job because otherwise, I am going to be out of money soon.
As for the guy, I have PMd him a few times wishing him well for Valentine's day, etc (nothing serious, people on that site look at valentines day as evil because of all our recent breakups and we try to show support for each other) He has always responded. I am wondering should I ask him tomorrow if he is still interested in getting together on Friday, or should I just let it go and see if he brings it up?? I am being very nonchalant about this.
Hon, it is more than obvious from your posts over the years that you have extremely poor self-esteem, that's what's "wrong" with you...so of course you fear rejection! Until you deal with that issue head on and STICK WITH IT (as opposed to running away whenever counseling starts getting hard), nothing's going to change for you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's reality.
I know you probably can't afford counseling until you get a job, so it's a catch-22. How about doing this one thing in the meantime: call an animal shelter and make an appointment to go talk to them about volunteering? Oh, and you could go to CODA meetings for free (or a small voluntary contribution of like $1). I know I've mentioned that to you before and given you the website. You definitely would benefit from going to CODA and a side benefit would be meeting some new people.
And you're NOT *being* nonchalant if you are even *thinking* about whether you'll be getting together with this guy on Friday. If you were truly nonchalant, you'd wake up Friday and go "hmm, I wonder if I'll see so and so today".
Sheri
OK, you're not being nonchalant if you've PMed him "a few times" wishing him well for valentines day. Don't ask him about tomorrow - just let it be.
Personally, it sounds like you could have some level of depression if you are not interested in these day to day things and prefer to stay holed up in your apartment or alone. Sheri's advice is good - you need to do this for you and find things that interest you. Best of luck!
A CODA meeting sounds interesting. What do they usually consist of and/or deal with? I should look that up and see if they have one close by. Yes, I do have very poor self-esteem and I fear rejection, that is a big part of why it is hard for me to go job hunting, make new friends, etc. It was very hard for me to even take this big step and move from Milwaukee to San Diego. I also tend to be very self-destructive and self-sabotage my life.
What I meant by being nonchalant was, I wasnt bugging him about if we were going to meet on Friday. I sent him one email about it and that was on Sunday. We have PMd each other since then but I havent mentioned about Friday. I was thinking to PM him tomorrow to see if Friday was still on since we need to set up a time, etc. That is all. Or should I just forget about it? I dont want to sound like I am pestering and yet I do want to hang out again.
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