Interested in a new guy but some issues
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| Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:59pm |
In the past I posted extensively on here about my ex, the guy that lived at home, was an alcoholic, and was a child at heart. I am finally starting to get over him, esp after having moved out to San Diego now for a month. I am finally starting to settle in around here, find a job, etc. I may have met someone new, but I am not sure how this is going to turn out. I like the guy but he is a bit older than me, about 20 years older.
Let me start from the beginning, besides this website, I also post on another messageboard that deals with breakups, healing and moving on. I have been posting on thre since Sept. A lot of people also post helpful advice to me on there about getting over my ex, moving on, etc. One of the guys who answered my posts lives in the same town I now live in. One day he PMd me about how my move was and if I needed any help, advice, or to chat, that he could do so. He is a lot older than me. He is in his 50's and I am only 32. He is also in the middle of getting a divorce with his wife (she initiated it).We PMd each other a few times and I met up with him last Sat to watch him fly kites with his buddy. I didnt talk to him long but we seemed to hit it off. He then told me that if I ever wanted someone to go hang out with or to go eat, he would be open to it. I emailed him Monday to let him now that I was glad to have met up with him and asked if we could go and grab a bite one of these days. He told me if I wanted to, we could grab lunch this weekend. We ended up going out to lunch today. I had a great time with him and he showed me where the good Asian food places were in the area. He then also drove me around the city pointing out places that were good to go biking, to watch sunsets, etc. He showed me where he used to live before they split up. He even showed me the city viewing from the beach. He seemed like he liked my company. He did associate a lot of the places that he took me to, with his soon-to-be ex wife. He talked about her a lot which was ok with me.
We were out for about 3 hours and when he dropped me off at home, he told me that I was a really nice girl with a good sense of humor and that I would not have trouble making freinds or meeting people out here. He then said that I should be happy that my ex is out of my life because he really wasnt the right one for me. I told him that I had a great time and that we could do this again if he wanted to. He sounded like he was happy I said that and he told me that we could go out again and to keep in touch.
I hope he will go out with me again. He seemed like he had a good time and he seemed like he was into me, but I cant tell. I dont know how to tell these things.
What you guys think?

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I can't tell you what they are like as I don't go to CODA meetings (I have my own issues but co-dependency isn't one of them ;-)), but if you look on their website, I'm sure you will find information. You might also post again on the Co-Dependents board here on IV and ask what meetings are like.
You know my thoughts on seeing this guy at all even as friends (i.e., that you shouldn't), so I'll just leave it at that.
Sheri
Well, I think I may have blown it and now he probably will NEVER go out with me again as friends. Yesterday I PMd him once telling him that I had a job interview today and he PMd me back wishing me well. I leave that alone and go on with things and dont PM him again. Since today is Thursday, I PMd him to see if he still wanted to go out and do something Friday since he said that Fridays were still ok. This is what I PMd him:
"I hope you are doing well. Earlier this week I had written you about getting together again and you had said Fridays were still good for you. Do you want to get together tomorrow? As for what to do, anything is fine by me, although I have had a hankering to find places where you can relax and listen to jazz (besides classical music, I also like jazz) but it depend when and if you want to get together. Let me know."
He hasnt PMd me back and he is online there. Usually he PMs me pretty quickly. Do you think the PM was a bit overboard? I had privately PMd one other person there that is an expert there. He PMs with that guy a lot and he was the one who gave me the suggestion that I should I ask the guy to go somewhere to relax that played jazz (cigar bar). He knows all I want from the guy is a friendship. Do you think I pushed the envelope too far? Should I just back off and stop posting?
There was nothing wrong with your message to him. The problem is that you are *obsessing* over this situation, which is exactly what I knew you would do.
I think it's time to step away from the computer and go to a meeting. Also, did you call any animal shelters like I suggested?
Sheri
Yes, I am obsessing over this situation. But it isnt what you think. No, I am not looking for him as a dating thing. I am just a bit hurt that if he answered me earlier this week that we could go out on Friday, and now I just PM him to firm up plans, that he doesnt even reply back. If he couldnt or didnt want to get together, he should have PMd me back and told me that he was busy. I would have understood. I am not that way. And the email was NOT inflammatory in any sense.
I guess I should go to a CODA meeting. This stupid thing has got me incensed over nothing.
As for shelters, no I havent called.
I know I am not doing the right things to go out and meet people, am I?
PLEASE SOMEONE, TELL ME IF I DIDNT DO SOMETHING WRONG OR IF I DID? I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A FRIEND< NOT BE A PEST
Edited 2/16/2006 2:53 pm ET by renaissancewoman101
You asked the question, did you do something wrong?
Yes, the advice from people here is good. They do care about my well being. That I do not deny. I have a lot of personal problems to deal with and I dont deal well with things. I moved out here so I could start my life anew again, w/o worrying about the ex. I moved out here to this new city, not knowing anybody here, just trying to start over again. Yes, I probably should not have tried to cling to him to be friends with him. I have no idea how he took my email. I wasnt trying to be pushy. I was just being friendly. I am just hurt right now that he didnt respond and that he probably doesnt want to hang with me again. I just wish he could have come out and said that. It would have been a lot easier to deal with. He has always responded to my PMs so this hurts a bit.
I know I need to expand on things and go look for other things to do, people to hang with, etc. It is not good to just depend on him and now I am going to feel like a fool if I keep posting on the messageboard. I wonder if he is going to ignore me on that messageboard.
I need to not be so hard on myself and just go out and experience life. I just dont have the motivation to do so.
Hon, the problem is not whether you did anythign wrong or anything like that. The problem is how you are focusing your attention all on this one guy and this one situation. You ARE obsessing even though you are not obsessing about him as a potential date. You didn't say or do anything wrong in this situation with this guy, but as all of us have told you several times, you do need to focus on other things other than this guy. Find other activities to do and people to meet. I know that you're saying you're having problems with that, but you have to think about WHY? Why can't you get out and meet others and why are you focusing all your attention on this guy (even though you want him to only be a friend)? The best way to stop obsessing about something is to move on with your life and find other things to focus your attention on.
I DO think you are going a little overboard with the PMs (we all told you to lay off but you PMed him again anyway). Obviously, you are going to make up your own mind anyway, but when everyone is suggesting something, there might be merit to what they're saying.
Please seriously consider the CODA meetings. Right now, I think that being on your own in a new city, you are latching onto this guy as he is the only one you know there and that's not healthy for you or for him. He could very well wind up pushing you away since he's not ready to deal with this kind of pressure emotionally now. Who knows what he's viewing this as but take this lack of response as an answer. Yes, he could have told you he was busy or whatever, but who knows what's going through his mind right now. Take a step back now and just let him initiate the next contact. People tend to shy away from situations that make them feel uncomfortable. I'm not saying that it makes him feel uncomfortable, but if I were in his shoes, I'd feel strange about all this.
And good luck on the interview! Focus on that - get to know the company you're interviewing with, come up with a good list of questions to ask THEM to show that you are prepared and interested.
I know I went overboard about the PM's although all the other PMs had nothing to do with meeting up today. One had to do with people being strong. The other one, I told him about my job interview. That is all. I was treating him like a friend, nothing serious. On Sunday when I posted about my ex's mother calling me, he PMd me a few times showing concern, etc. Then I asked about meeting up again. And I didnt bring that up until today. I wasnt being a pest.
I will lay off and try to focus on other things. Should I still post on that messageboard about stuff (not pertaining to him) because I still enjoy people on there and they have been very helpful to me concerning my life's issues. Sometimes I wish I could post on there about this situation, but I wont do that because he posts a lot on there and I dont want trouble.
I know I have to let this go. I just feel a tad hurt by this.
And I will be ready for my job interview.
Absolutely! If they are a good support group, you should post out there. Be sure that they are helping you get over things and not just enabling your current behaviors. And also be sure that your online friends are not taking the place of getting out and meeting actual people in your area. You can find support groups of real people that you can meet and get to know.
And there is also no reason to not chat with him IF HE CONTACTS YOU FIRST. But wait until you hear from him for now.
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