Interested in a new guy but some issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Interested in a new guy but some issues
48
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:59pm

In the past I posted extensively on here about my ex, the guy that lived at home, was an alcoholic, and was a child at heart. I am finally starting to get over him, esp after having moved out to San Diego now for a month. I am finally starting to settle in around here, find a job, etc. I may have met someone new, but I am not sure how this is going to turn out. I like the guy but he is a bit older than me, about 20 years older.

Let me start from the beginning, besides this website, I also post on another messageboard that deals with breakups, healing and moving on. I have been posting on thre since Sept. A lot of people also post helpful advice to me on there about getting over my ex, moving on, etc. One of the guys who answered my posts lives in the same town I now live in. One day he PMd me about how my move was and if I needed any help, advice, or to chat, that he could do so. He is a lot older than me. He is in his 50's and I am only 32. He is also in the middle of getting a divorce with his wife (she initiated it).We PMd each other a few times and I met up with him last Sat to watch him fly kites with his buddy. I didnt talk to him long but we seemed to hit it off. He then told me that if I ever wanted someone to go hang out with or to go eat, he would be open to it. I emailed him Monday to let him now that I was glad to have met up with him and asked if we could go and grab a bite one of these days. He told me if I wanted to, we could grab lunch this weekend. We ended up going out to lunch today. I had a great time with him and he showed me where the good Asian food places were in the area. He then also drove me around the city pointing out places that were good to go biking, to watch sunsets, etc. He showed me where he used to live before they split up. He even showed me the city viewing from the beach. He seemed like he liked my company. He did associate a lot of the places that he took me to, with his soon-to-be ex wife. He talked about her a lot which was ok with me.

We were out for about 3 hours and when he dropped me off at home, he told me that I was a really nice girl with a good sense of humor and that I would not have trouble making freinds or meeting people out here. He then said that I should be happy that my ex is out of my life because he really wasnt the right one for me. I told him that I had a great time and that we could do this again if he wanted to. He sounded like he was happy I said that and he told me that we could go out again and to keep in touch.

I hope he will go out with me again. He seemed like he had a good time and he seemed like he was into me, but I cant tell. I dont know how to tell these things.

What you guys think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 6:49pm

Question (and I'm not trying to be mean, just wondering)... With female friends, do you worry this much? Or is it just with guy friends? Or is it just with men you have interest in?


I'm trying to understand what you're worried about here...


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 7:32pm

I worry all the time about if people like me, want to hang with me, etc. That is just my nervous nature at work. I have a problem wanting everybody to like me. That is my downfall.

BTW, my friend wrote me back. Apparently it sounds like he does want to get together but he doesnt know about where we can go to hear jazz on a weekday.

This is what he wrote.

B,

Let me get back to you this evening. I can't think of a place for jazz on a week day but maybe I'll get a brainstorm.

S

How should I take this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 10:08pm

I'm going to be straight with you and I hope you can take it. You have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. You are going to give yourself an early death!


Based on my own worries/fears/concerns over someone not liking me, this is what I've learnt (and please read these five times before you respond):



  1. I will never be liked by all of the people all of the time.

  2. Those that I like tend to like me.

  3. Those that don't like me are not worth my time or effort.

  4. I am who I am and I cannot change myself just to be liked.

  5. My friends are my friends, even if I make mistakes or don't act in the way they expect me to.

What you should get out of the above: Stop questioning everything. You are going to make yourself a wreck. Honestly, seriously and straight up. As a friend, you just accept another person without wondering about all their intentions, motives and expectations. As a friend, you present yourself as who you are and nothing less.


YOU HAVE TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERY LITTLE DETAIL, INTERACTION, NUANCE, EMAIL AND IDEA.


This has been said to you time and time again yet you still question things. You still ask "how should I take this???" Take everything from your friends on face value. What they say is what they mean and what they mean is what they say. Watch the actions. If the actions don't meet with the words, then you have your answer.


The fact that you are still wondering all the innuendos with this guy tells me that you have more interest in him than a friend, though you swear otherwise. As a friend, you wouldn't care.


It's time to be honest. And it's time to start working on yourself otherwise you are going to drive yourself nuts! (Please recognize that this is all said out of love and nothing more... It hurts me to see someone doing this to themselves...)


Hope this helps.


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 10:26pm
Take it for what it is! A reply. Maybe he'll suggest something else. I would reply back and say "Sounds great! Let me know." and leave it alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 10:52pm
I stayed calm and didnt write anything back. He wrote me back tonight that he couldnt come up with anything to do so he was going to pick me up around noon tomorrow and that we could wing it, if it was ok with me. I emailed him back that it was fine with me. I freaked on here but I didnt freak at him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 11:06pm

RW, before you moved to San Diego, several of us told you this: "Wherever you go, there you are." You moved to start over but you are only repeating your old behaviors in a new location. You choose inappropriate men to obsess over. A gay man, an immature man, and now a much older married man who is going through a divorce. It seems you choose men based on what you think is UNdesirable in them - because you feel so unworthy of a man who possesses desirable qualities. Nothing is ever going to change for you if you insist on repeating the same behaviors that have never worked for you.

You have been posting here for years, and you rarely take anyone's advice even when most posters tell you exactly the same thing and even when you've been shown repeatedly that your actions and behaviors make you miserable. You are advised not to, but you still plow right ahead and PM the guy, loan money to the BF, involve the ex's mother, and on and on.

If you have an obsessive personality, then put it to good use and let it fuel you into finding a good job, getting into THERAPY (if you're unemployed you should qualify for public assistance), and meeting new friends (preferably female) through volunteer activities, etc. What an utter waste of time to spend hours overanalyzing every single reply or lack of response from a man you barely know and claim not to have any interest in beyond casual friendship. Don't you realize how unhealthy this is? I really hope you seek therapy which can give you to the tools to redirect your obsessive nature, and that you truly do start over. San Diego is a beautiful city and you have a chance to be happy there, but only if you begin the process of raising your self-esteem through therapy, getting honest with yourself, and making better choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 9:14pm

I have another update about my friend. I ended up going to lunch with him this afternoon. I paid for lunch this time since he paid for lunch last Friday, although he was trying to grab the check from me. He was very appreciative that I paid for lunch. After lunch we walked out by the pier and appreciated the ocean view. He then suggnested we go to Balboa Park. We went around Balboa Park to one of the musuems and around the Park where he pointed out things that I could come down to do during the summer. He and I had a good time, we laughed a lot and he seemed really relaxed around me. It seemed like we had a good time just wandering about. When we walked back to the car, he asked me if there was anything else that I wanted to do and I was like I didnt know, but I then told him that I wanted to ask him a question and for him not to take it the wrong way. He as like ok. I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner and he stood there and thought about it and I was like dont worry about it, if you cant, I didnt mean anything by it. He then put his hand on my shoulder and said that tonight wasnt good because he had to return some phone calls and work on something with someone. He told me that he enjoyed my company and that he liked hanging out with me because I was a nice person and because I inspired him and was making him break out of his shell and start to enjoy life again, and then he suggested we go to dinner tomorrow night. I cant do it for tomorrow night because I am going up by my parents. I told him that and I said we could try for this weekend, and he said, that would be ok and to keep him updated. He then drove me back to my place and before he dropped me off, he asked me for a hug and he hugged me. Then he told me to keep him informed about dinner plans and he even gave me his personal email so I could email him about it. He told me that he would try to think up of places to go eat at this weekend. He told me he had a good time and he wished me well. I told him taht I was in a good mood and that I hoped I would get the job that I interviewed for. I also told him that if I got the job, we wouldnt be able to hang out on Friday afternoons anymore and he said that was understandable.

He seemed like he had a good time with me and we probably will go out to dinner this weekend. What do you guys think? Is this the beginning of a decent friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 4:22am

"What do you guys think? Is this the beginning of a decent friendship?"

It COULD be - if you don't suffocate him first! Stop analysing, stop questioning, stop postulating and just breathe! Let the poor guy do some initiating, then you'll see how interested he really is.

You don't want to know if it's the beginning of a decent friendship. You already have the friendship. You want to know if it's the beginning of a decent RELATIONship. You can be as dishonest to the rest of the world about your feelings/intentions all you want, but it's time you started being honest with YOURSELF.

Get a really hard book to read, or started learning a new language, coz really, you need something else to keep your mind occupied than this one guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 9:58am

Hey, how the hell am I suffocating him???? I dont constantly call him (he gave me his cellphone number once), I dont constantly PM him about getting together. I have PMd him on that website about stuff concerning stuff we all post on that website. Yes, I think about him a lot and I am latching on a friendship with him but I have a hard time making friends elsewhere. The two times we did go out, I was very casual, very friendly, talkative, confident, and I listened to him a lot. I didnt talk about myself a lot, didnt beg him, etc. just tried to be myself and confident and self-assured. Both times he was the one who suggested we do other things like go to a musuem, take a look around the city, after lunch. I never made a move on him and I dont plan on it. He is going through a divorce and I know he isnt looking for a relationship, neither am I. Yes, I do have an interest in him, that I WILL admit, but I am keeping it on a friendly level. Or do you guys think that he may be seeing it differently, meaning do you guys think he thinks I am looking for something other than a friendship???? I let him initiate most things. He was the one who told me in the beginning if I ever wanted to go out to lunch or a cup of coffee, to let him know, so I did, and we went out for lunch the first time, after the first time, he told me that he had a good time and we could do it again, so I asked and we went out yesterday for lunch. True, the dinner thing was the ONLY thing I sprung up on him. We had a good time yesterday and I thought he had a good time too. It seemed like he did and he asked me at the end, was there anywhere else that I wanted to go and it was around 3:30 PM so I decided to just ask about going out to dinner because I was happy and having a good time. He hesitated and I thought I offended him so I apologized. He then told me that he had some stuff to take care of last night and that he couldnt do it last night but he could do it tonight. I told him I cant tonight because I have to go up by my parents tonight but maybe some time this weekend. He was yeah, we could do that, just to let him know when might be good. He even gave me his email address. If I really wanted to see him I could have cancelled out on plans with my folks tonight since I told them that I had to be back down in San Diego on SUnday, and my mom was already saying if I was busy that I didnt need to come up by them. I didnt change plans on my parents.

If you think I am being pushy and looking for something else other than a friendship, then what should I do, just let it go and not email him AT ALL about going out to dinner this weekend, keep it simple, what????? Maybe I am looking at him as relationship material, I dont know. I do wonder what HE thinks I am looking at him as.




Edited 2/18/2006 10:00 am ET by renaissancewoman101
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 1:52pm

OK, you say this:

<>

No, you are not letting him initiate things. Him saying "yeah well, call me if you feel like doing something sometime" is not initiating things. Him saying, "let's meet tomorrow for lunch!" would be initiating things. He has left things open, and you have asked him to do every single thing with the exception of the first beach meet. You need to back off and see if he does any actual asking to do real activities. The dinner is a step - but stop doing all the asking. He's fragile right now and while I think he may enjoy spending time with you, he needs time to heal and that's why he's keeping his distance.

Regardless, you MUST get out and find other friends. I think we're all tired of talking to a brick wall on that issue. You say you're not good at it. Well, you're not gonna get better sitting around in your house and only talking and spending time with this guy. You could wind up scaring him away if you put your entire life in San Diego solely on him.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo