Interested in a new guy but some issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Interested in a new guy but some issues
48
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:59pm

In the past I posted extensively on here about my ex, the guy that lived at home, was an alcoholic, and was a child at heart. I am finally starting to get over him, esp after having moved out to San Diego now for a month. I am finally starting to settle in around here, find a job, etc. I may have met someone new, but I am not sure how this is going to turn out. I like the guy but he is a bit older than me, about 20 years older.

Let me start from the beginning, besides this website, I also post on another messageboard that deals with breakups, healing and moving on. I have been posting on thre since Sept. A lot of people also post helpful advice to me on there about getting over my ex, moving on, etc. One of the guys who answered my posts lives in the same town I now live in. One day he PMd me about how my move was and if I needed any help, advice, or to chat, that he could do so. He is a lot older than me. He is in his 50's and I am only 32. He is also in the middle of getting a divorce with his wife (she initiated it).We PMd each other a few times and I met up with him last Sat to watch him fly kites with his buddy. I didnt talk to him long but we seemed to hit it off. He then told me that if I ever wanted someone to go hang out with or to go eat, he would be open to it. I emailed him Monday to let him now that I was glad to have met up with him and asked if we could go and grab a bite one of these days. He told me if I wanted to, we could grab lunch this weekend. We ended up going out to lunch today. I had a great time with him and he showed me where the good Asian food places were in the area. He then also drove me around the city pointing out places that were good to go biking, to watch sunsets, etc. He showed me where he used to live before they split up. He even showed me the city viewing from the beach. He seemed like he liked my company. He did associate a lot of the places that he took me to, with his soon-to-be ex wife. He talked about her a lot which was ok with me.

We were out for about 3 hours and when he dropped me off at home, he told me that I was a really nice girl with a good sense of humor and that I would not have trouble making freinds or meeting people out here. He then said that I should be happy that my ex is out of my life because he really wasnt the right one for me. I told him that I had a great time and that we could do this again if he wanted to. He sounded like he was happy I said that and he told me that we could go out again and to keep in touch.

I hope he will go out with me again. He seemed like he had a good time and he seemed like he was into me, but I cant tell. I dont know how to tell these things.

What you guys think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 2:11pm

Right now about the dinner, I am going to back off about it. He had told me to email him about what day we could go out since when I first suggested dinner, he couldnt do it last night and he was thinking tonight would be good, but I cant. He then said let him know what days would be good this weekend and we could go on from there. I am thinking of just not emailing him and letting things go. I like the guy, but you guys are right, I could be scaring him off. Funny thing is every time we do go out to eat, he always suggests we do things afterwards like go around the city, etc. Yesterday, after lunch, he took me down by the Marina and then he took me around the park area close to where I live, where all the museums are. He showed me a bunch of places where I could go hang out during the summer and we even went to a museum. When we had lunch, I grabbed the tab before he could since he paid for lunch last time, and I want to keep things on an even keel. His response to me was to smile and say "then next time lunch is on me", so I probably will see him again.

Do you guys think it is a good idea to back off about the dinner and let it go? I do want to see him again, but I dont want to sound pushy either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 2:41pm

I am begging you to please re-read the posts and start taking some of these folks' advice. And please, look into counseling and those meetings Sheri talked about.


Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 3:07pm

I am taking you people's advice and I am backing off. I dont plan on emailing him about getting together for dinner this weekend. I really want to see him again, but I know I am pushing the envelope and that isnt good, so I am going to let it go for now and see if he contacts me in any way.

Am I happy about doing it this way, not really, but I dont want to be hurt either, and I will admit this, I am not sure what I am looking for from him. I know I want a friendship, but I am attracted to him a bit too. Although, he is a bit old for me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 3:33pm

RW, "backing off" is not really the "advice" we were talking about taking...or rather, that's one infinitessimal drop in the bucket.

You're just not getting the big picture here.

I could add at least two other guys to Charite's list of inappropriate or unavailable men you've become obsessed with over the years you've been posting...it is a deeply ingrained pattern and you'll do it again with this guy if you don't *break* the pattern by seeking help.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 3:45pm

As Sheri said, the advice I was talking about was not about this guy. It's about you in general. I don't think you're seeing the forest through the trees. I've said this to you before in many ways as have others. I'm concerned for your well-being and hope you take

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 4:48am

I didnt end up writing him about getting together this weekend. I did get an email from him late tonight. He is asking if we can hang out next Friday and he explains what is going on in his life. Should I hang out with him next Friday, or just let this go. Here is the email.

Hi B,

Hope you had a good visit in Irvine.
I had some chores to do and spent a few hours flying kites.

I have to be honest with you, when you asked me to dinner Friday, I
panicked
a bit. I'm sorting out the mess of my life very slowly and don't want
to be
too close to anyone until I rediscover myself. I always seem calm to
others
for some reason, and am told I don't show emotions freely, but these
days
the world scares me siilly. The last time I went through this took a
long
time, and went through some big changes.

I'm not very proud of myself for not telling you this Friday. I tend to
panic and bolt whenever my feelings overpower me. I may have told you
how
when a woman talks to me at a cafe, I leave and find a new hangout.
This
isn't rational behavior at all, but part of what I'm sorting out after
becoming single after 27 years. Still in shock.

I hope you'll understand since you must also have these feelings from
your
breakup.
Being with you is fun, Betty. I hope you still want to be my friend.
Could we do something next Friday?

Sincerely,
S

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 5:59am

Listen to his words:

* I'm sorting out the mess of my life very slowly

* don't want to be too close to anyone until I rediscover myself

* The last time I went through this took a long time

* I tend to panic and bolt

* when a woman talks to me at a cafe, I leave and find a new hangout

* I hope you'll understand

* I hope you still want to be my friend.

You said: I will admit this, I am not sure what I am looking for from him. I know I want a friendship, but I am attracted to him a bit too.

He CANNOT give you what you want. He's telling you he's not ready.

I have a feeling you won't listen though. My crystal ball says you'll end up sad and hurt. That's not the saddest part though. The saddest part is that you can do something to make sure that doesn't happen. Unfortunately, you won't, because you keep coming here to ask the board for answers to questions you should be able to answer yourself.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only one who can change you... is you.

You wanna go out with him on Friday? Go. But let him be the one to contact you during the week, and you sit on your hands.

.....my crystal ball says that won't happen either.... :-/

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 10:48am
I am going to listen and not push for more because I know that will just scare him away. I want to stay freinds with him and hanging out with him on Fridays is ok with me, until I find a job. I like him as a friend and I dont want to push him away either. I appreciate that he didnt just write me off and disappear. His willingness to still hang out as a friend is a good thing. If I stay friends with him and not push for me, my heart is less likely to become hurt.

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