interested to see where this is going.
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interested to see where this is going.
| Thu, 12-02-2004 - 12:05pm |
Here's the dilly - I met a guy one night in early October and we talked for hours that night and really hit it off. This is something very rare for me, as i know what i like and what i don't like...usually i meet real duds. Anyway, this guy I liked. Plus, we were both happy to have met each other and made plans to meet on a date. We went on our first date three days later and had an amazing time, and had our second date three days after that. It was amazing - that wonderful, just-beginning excitement where everything seems to be going well!! I am usually very reserved, and can say i still had my head on my shoulders about him and dating him, but i was still giddy about him.
On our second date, he wanted to know what i was thinking about the whole situation between us, and the question took me a little by surprise , but we discussed it. He told me he was a man who followed his gut and when he sees something he likes he goes for it...and even though we've seen each other a lot in that one week for having just met each other, he's eager to get to know me better and there was nothing telling him this was wrong. I said I felt we were both on the same page.
After that date, I noticed that his phonecalls dropped off just a bit - he didn't disappear on me or anything like that, but he definitely was calling less frequently and we had not made plans to see each other again. But, remembering what he told me and taking into consideration the fact that this WAS only the second week, I figured it was nothing. By the end of the week, we made plans to go out, and we did, and at the end of the date he said, "i really like you and want to take things slow, which is why i think you shouldn't come back to my place tonight." Which, by the way, i wasn't expecting or planning to do. But that conversation turned into a conversation about taking it slow cause he didn't want to mess anything up with us, he wanted us to take our time and build a foundation so things didn't come to a sudden end between us. I completely understood that, but told him i was feeling like he just had a change of heart on me and it felt like he wasn't that into me. To which he swore up and down it was completely the opposite, and that it's because he really likes me that he wants to take things slow.
i agreed with him on that, though I told him i just had my doubts about where he is coming from. He said give him a chance to prove my doubts wrong.
After that date, I heard from him once the next week, and by the next weekend, i hadn't heard back from him. This was such a huge change in behavior from what i had known of him, and i started to think he had served me a line of crap. but, i figured i would find out before jumping to conclusions, so i gave him a call...he was on his way out of town to spend the weekend with his family....had had a busy week, and asked me to give him a call the next week if i wanted to hang out. Because this was a departure from his previous behavior and interest to see me, I took that as a gentle way of blowing me off, so i didn't call...and i never heard from him again.
i was hurt and confused - i had believed, to some extent, what he told me, and i didn't know how or why he seemed to do a 180 almost overnight, not to mention that he didn't really seem eager to calm my doubts. something just didn't seem on the up and up, obviously.
About a week and a half passed and the questions were bugging me so I got in touch with him and left him a message, saying i didn't want to let things drop off, i really liked you and good luck in the future with the book he was writing. he called me back that night and we had a talk, and basically it seemed like we were BOTH confused about the other - he said that he wasn't sure if i was interested in him because i never seemed to call him........there is some truth to that, because we had only been dating for two weeks and i'm of the belief that the guy should be doing the calling in the beginning. I am a little confused how he could have doubted i was into him because i know my behavior around him was nothing but positive and encouraging. anyway, i told him my point of view and we both agreed we both still liked each other and wanted to give it another go, now that we both understood each other better.
so, we talked on the phone frequently after that, about two or three times a week,...though he has a maddening way of not really responding to some of my text messages promptly, and i never seem to successfully reach him on the phone. anyway, we had our second 1st date, and it went really well....after that, Thanksgiving rolled around and we were supposed to go out that weekend again, but he called and said he was going to stay at home instead, since he hadn't seen his brother in a while. i could understand that..... We got together Tuesday night, 10 days after our last date, and had a really great date again, very romantic and talked ENDLESSLY, and i have not yet heard from him again, though i expect to. i've left yet another message with him that i had a great time and would love to see him again soon.
Okay, so here's my question, of sorts....now that we are giving it another go round, it really is great - he's doing nothing wrong....it's just REALLY SLOW. we see each other about once a week, and while we do talk about twice a week, truthfully i would like to hear from him more often. .......by now, if it is time to move on, i will cause i'm not one to stay mired in something hopeless, but i'm confused if that's the right decision to make. I like him and am a slow-mover...but this is REALLY slow!!! which is why i'm interested to see where this is going...cause i really don't know where HE thinks this is going. by now we've known each other for two months, and we see each other and get in touch with each other so little....it's like 1800s courting! but, i like him and want to build a foundation, so i can deal with that.....BUT, at the same time, i feel like that excitement and eagerness he had that first week or two we dated are now no longer there...BUT he still calls and takes me out, and I KNOW he likes me.....
*sigh* does anyone have any thoughts on this they would like to share? i'm really turned all around on this!
thanks for reading this far! :)
On our second date, he wanted to know what i was thinking about the whole situation between us, and the question took me a little by surprise , but we discussed it. He told me he was a man who followed his gut and when he sees something he likes he goes for it...and even though we've seen each other a lot in that one week for having just met each other, he's eager to get to know me better and there was nothing telling him this was wrong. I said I felt we were both on the same page.
After that date, I noticed that his phonecalls dropped off just a bit - he didn't disappear on me or anything like that, but he definitely was calling less frequently and we had not made plans to see each other again. But, remembering what he told me and taking into consideration the fact that this WAS only the second week, I figured it was nothing. By the end of the week, we made plans to go out, and we did, and at the end of the date he said, "i really like you and want to take things slow, which is why i think you shouldn't come back to my place tonight." Which, by the way, i wasn't expecting or planning to do. But that conversation turned into a conversation about taking it slow cause he didn't want to mess anything up with us, he wanted us to take our time and build a foundation so things didn't come to a sudden end between us. I completely understood that, but told him i was feeling like he just had a change of heart on me and it felt like he wasn't that into me. To which he swore up and down it was completely the opposite, and that it's because he really likes me that he wants to take things slow.
i agreed with him on that, though I told him i just had my doubts about where he is coming from. He said give him a chance to prove my doubts wrong.
After that date, I heard from him once the next week, and by the next weekend, i hadn't heard back from him. This was such a huge change in behavior from what i had known of him, and i started to think he had served me a line of crap. but, i figured i would find out before jumping to conclusions, so i gave him a call...he was on his way out of town to spend the weekend with his family....had had a busy week, and asked me to give him a call the next week if i wanted to hang out. Because this was a departure from his previous behavior and interest to see me, I took that as a gentle way of blowing me off, so i didn't call...and i never heard from him again.
i was hurt and confused - i had believed, to some extent, what he told me, and i didn't know how or why he seemed to do a 180 almost overnight, not to mention that he didn't really seem eager to calm my doubts. something just didn't seem on the up and up, obviously.
About a week and a half passed and the questions were bugging me so I got in touch with him and left him a message, saying i didn't want to let things drop off, i really liked you and good luck in the future with the book he was writing. he called me back that night and we had a talk, and basically it seemed like we were BOTH confused about the other - he said that he wasn't sure if i was interested in him because i never seemed to call him........there is some truth to that, because we had only been dating for two weeks and i'm of the belief that the guy should be doing the calling in the beginning. I am a little confused how he could have doubted i was into him because i know my behavior around him was nothing but positive and encouraging. anyway, i told him my point of view and we both agreed we both still liked each other and wanted to give it another go, now that we both understood each other better.
so, we talked on the phone frequently after that, about two or three times a week,...though he has a maddening way of not really responding to some of my text messages promptly, and i never seem to successfully reach him on the phone. anyway, we had our second 1st date, and it went really well....after that, Thanksgiving rolled around and we were supposed to go out that weekend again, but he called and said he was going to stay at home instead, since he hadn't seen his brother in a while. i could understand that..... We got together Tuesday night, 10 days after our last date, and had a really great date again, very romantic and talked ENDLESSLY, and i have not yet heard from him again, though i expect to. i've left yet another message with him that i had a great time and would love to see him again soon.
Okay, so here's my question, of sorts....now that we are giving it another go round, it really is great - he's doing nothing wrong....it's just REALLY SLOW. we see each other about once a week, and while we do talk about twice a week, truthfully i would like to hear from him more often. .......by now, if it is time to move on, i will cause i'm not one to stay mired in something hopeless, but i'm confused if that's the right decision to make. I like him and am a slow-mover...but this is REALLY slow!!! which is why i'm interested to see where this is going...cause i really don't know where HE thinks this is going. by now we've known each other for two months, and we see each other and get in touch with each other so little....it's like 1800s courting! but, i like him and want to build a foundation, so i can deal with that.....BUT, at the same time, i feel like that excitement and eagerness he had that first week or two we dated are now no longer there...BUT he still calls and takes me out, and I KNOW he likes me.....
*sigh* does anyone have any thoughts on this they would like to share? i'm really turned all around on this!
thanks for reading this far! :)

Three main thoughts come to mind as I read your post.
1 - Maybe the amount of wooing you demand to be won is greater than than the amount he feels he needs to do to date you. Your expectations may be a little high for this specific man. You're just dating. You're not in a relationship yet. He may be thinking that he is equal to you and you equal to him. If this is the case he may be thinking - she needs to woo me at similar levels if she is interested in moving forward.
2 - Cell phone text messages are a poor way to communicate effectively and they have poor reliability for delivery. I work in the communications business for a company that makes cell phone switching systems. There are a lot of variables that come into play with text messaging. Make sure you treat it as a very casual means to communicate with no big expectations as to how and how fast he will respond. Temper this expectation for your own good. I have personally seen a text message take up to 3 hours to be delivered. If this is the case, then it's impossible for him to respond within 2 minutes. A man's response to a text message is not a measure of his interest.
3 - Many men know that the maximum effort he puts into a woman will then become the minimum effort benchmark going forward. The moment we slip below this minimum effort benchmark, SOME women start to freak out that we are not interested ENOUGH in her. What many men will do when they really do like a woman is to manage expectations clearly and slowly so that he doesn't over-extend himself to a performance level that can not be sustained. Think of it like the Hare versus the Turtle race. Sometimes being the Turtle IS the RIGHT answer.
Greetings whaleridergal,
Bellina here,greetings! Well he definitely sounds so similar to a fellow i dated in my late 20s,now 30something.Peter was very much like your guy,came on a bit warmer and then seemed to call less frequent.First few dates were quite pleasant,he'd usually be the courter in that he'd call midweek and our rendezvous were usually for Friday,Saturday
nights,chatted about everything under the sun,had many similarities in interests,careers,family,hobbies,etc. Then he seemed a trifle more distant as he was an editor for a lead British magazine,taking him on many trips out of my home village in England to Germany,France and Italy.I'd chat on the phone 2x a week,in lieu of in person
dates when Peter was traveling,missing him terribly.This was after dating pretty frequently for a month.Also took a slow approach,guess it's also a cultural thing,British
men tend to be cooler,not get too passionate,than other nationalities.Especially incomparison to American and Italian men,usually are more demonstrative and quick in their intimacy expectations.Anyway,sometimes taking things slower isn't always a bad thing,to find out if you're truly wanting the same type relationship.Whether he wants to date several gals,or you as his exclusive sweetheart.Time and his actions will be the deciding factor to see if there is a love connection.Perhaps you can be demure and bring up if he's seeing anyone else,or just not ready for a serious type relationship,you may desire.This is all up to you,if you're feeling comfortable enough as you say,meet him and be honest.Ask if he sees a potential romance for you or just casual dating.I know this may stir up issues,or he may just return your sentiments in that he's feeling the same way you are and wants to get more serious.In the fact that he calls you despite less times weekly,he's still responding and communicating.If he was not interested those calls would come more infrequently.I don't think he's so 1800 or victorian,just perhaps a little scared to commit,or been hurt recently by another gal. These are things you may bring up in a gentle manner,in your next date,not on the tele,okay,luv?Take care,and best wishes,luv your Brit friend,Bellina...