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| Sat, 11-20-2004 - 3:45am |
I am a college student who has never had sex and takes a certain amount of pride knowing that my wedding night will be my first time...Just over 2 monts ago, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me out of the blue. He had his reasons (I had never gone as far physically as he had and I refused to and it was hard for him to not have what he was wanting...) he said that he still wanted to be friends and that we would look at getting back togther in a bit. Less then two weeks later he goes camping with one of our mutual friends for her birthday, when I next saw her I asked how the trip went (I did not know that he went with her). She told me that she had a few too many drinks, did some stuff with a guy she probably shouldn't have done, and said some things to a guy she probably shouldn't have said. That made me think that possibly my Ex had gone with her (becasue I knew who was supposed to go and none of them actoually went). So I called him and asked him if he went camping with her and if stuff happened...it was him and stuff did happen. It hurt, but that's their perogative...I was more mad at my friend and hurt by her actions then I was at him (we wern't together). I talk to him two days later and he tells me that they are dating and that whenever I was ready to yell at him to let him know, because he deserved. Well, I finally was ready to yell at him so I go and "yell". I then see my friend (I stopped by the place I used to work to get something (she still works there) and we start talking (I can be civil) so I hold converstaion and she out of the blue tells me "yeah, I misscarried last week" "WHAT?!?" Wasn't expecting that one...she tells me that it happens the weekend that they went camping...she was drunk, etc. So I leave, accecpting what she says and start thinking...it takes at least two weeks to know if you are pregnant...she said that she had known for a week that she was before she misscarried...that makes conception no more then three days after me and this guy broke up (he was the daddy). After I realized that and made sure that my assumptions were correct I say in shock for a few days...I didn't know what to do, say, or even feel. Me and this guy talked about getting married and our futures together, how I could get done with school early and everything. I was so incredibly hurt by the two of them, I wanted to kill them (my friends thankfully took my car keys from me so I couldn't). At times I still want to be friends with him (although I do now know if that is the best idea or not) but I could very easily live the rest of my life without ever seeing her agian. Friends don't do that...especially friends who know how much you love this guy that just broke your heart. But in a way I think that it has made it easier to get over him...I have a reason to hate him (even though I find it hard to). While we were together he was so great...I have a bad knee and it went out on my this summer and he would drive an hour in the mornings to take me to a 7am class, then pick me up from class, then take me to work, then take me home from work (work is 30mins from where I live and I live an hour from him) and if he was working when I got off he would find me a ride home. He made my birthday the best one that I have had in a LONG while, he made friends with all of my friends, he was a GREAT guy and so I am finding it hard to "hate" him. I sitll love him, and while my love for him has changed he will always have a special place in my heart...
How do I know when I am over him? I don't want to start a new relationship and compare it to the one that we had...how do I avoid that? Is it ok to remember the good times that we had? How much is remembering them too much? Is being friends a good idea? I really don't know what to do...

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That's great that you want to keep your virginity...but you seem a very young and naive college student that still needs to learn the rules.
i'm eager to read the other posts but here's what i think:
its ok to still love him. you were dating, shared a lot together over the time you were together, it's ok to still love someone but not be IN love with him. that's healthy. it's normal. despite all the hurtful things he has done to put you here. you dont have to like him as a person, but u love him for the person he was when you were together. and that's ok.
your going through a grieving process right now belive it or not. and no one can tell you when your ready...you'll just know. maybe it'll happen over night you'll wake up and realize what he did hurt you so bad and you are through, or maybe it'll be a daily process and in 3 months you'll see and feel differently.
i dont think u can avoid comparison. whenever you have something SOOOOOO good, its hard not to think that your new relationship will be the same, if not better. i have no suggestions on this.
i'm trying not to advise you anything, but one think i'll ask you is, do YOU think it's still a good idea you two remain friends?
(i'm going to take a guess here, and forgive me if im incorrect, please correct me, but this is what i see: you were strong on your beliefs about sex but he wanted to have sex. and instead of cheating on you he did the 'ethical' thing and broke up w/ you so that he wouldnt have the guilt of cheating on his gf while he was satisfied... does that seem at all possible or correct? i know its not something you wanted to think of)
he probably still does love you as a person but i cant sit her and judge him or put words in his mouth b/c i dont know how your relationship was or what his reasons for the break up was.
i hope you find peace in all this.
i think that was pretty harsh of you to say. can you honestly say in that situation you wouldnt have acted the same way? she was upset and hurt and she had every right to be. when i throw a fit i dont immediately think 'oh i better find out when the next anger management class is' i'd be concerned if she didnt feel the feelings she had felt at that time.
really- i gotta be honest. i dont think you have a problem at all. I was very pleased to read your post. you know why?
because you are so much a better person than your ex and old freind. those two are very beneath you. Why you'd even care what they think is a mystery, but you seem very mature and ahead of your time... i dont know you but im proud of you for not allowing others to change you.
Something struck me a little odd however, I think your freind is a little "cooky" for the miscarraige story. yes, i said "STORY" because I wouldnt believe a word of it. Unless you honestly saw the HPT stick with a + sign on it, dont listen to a word of it. Why in the world do you think she would tell you something like that when you are fresh getting over him....other than to get a rise out of you, petty immature girl jealousy, a declaration of "in your face i got him", a low burn to make you fully aware that her paws have marked the territory and you no longer belong there, a declaration that they have experienced something deeply emotionally that you cannot compete. Seriously. Do you really believe that *exactly* 3 days after you two broke up, they had sex for the first time, she got pregnant, then a week and a half later she had a miscarraige while camping with him and now they are dating? WHAT? oooooookaaaay.
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