Internet "lover" troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Internet "lover" troubles
5
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 9:45pm
I've had this so-called internet "lover/boyfriend" for a little over a year now. We both already have partners, but we still felt a very strong connection....or, at least I did. He was never all that into emailing, but we did IM often, and we've talked on the phone a few times. Altho' we live close to 2000 miles apart, he kept insisting that we were going to meet. Well, to make a long story short, over time his contact has been getting less and less frequent. I do understand he gets very busy with his work and his band, but lately it seems like I'm the one initiating all the contact.... with seldom a reply. Like a fool, I've developed deep feelings for him, and he claimed to have the same feelings for me, and all this other sweet-talk, but his actions are speaking a lot louder than his words! He's also passive-aggressive, and I can't deal with that type of behavior well. I feel he's just playing around with my head and heart and he's attracted to me only physically...and that his sweet-talk is a bunch of BS! He's "disappeared" on me again, so I'm doing the same--not to mention, I'm throwing in the towel. Guess it's best to stay with someone who truely loves me for me. Can anyone tell me anything about passive-aggressive behavior? I'm just trying to figure out what makes "lover-boy" do and say the things he does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:23pm
Honey, you've fallen for an "internet ghost". You don't even know if the guy is for real. A phone call or IM doesn't mean anything. Anyone can be whatever they want online. It's a false image. You've wasted over a year of your life on a fantasy man. Be sure that he's not mopping over you, he may be already "dating" another woman who thinks she's got herself an "internet lover". If you have a partner and feel uhnappy, then break it off and be by yourself. Ponder about why you're so unhappy and address your needs. Look for love in real life and not in the internet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 11:30am

First of all, what's going on in your real relationship that led you to visit a dating site in the first place? Are you married... living together... exclusive? If your relationship is any of the above, you are deceiving your SO. Sexual and love chatter with other men online is not a harmless pasttime when your partner doesn't know anything about it, and if he would be hurt if he knew.

And as to your "Internet lover..."

Romances that exist only through computer exchanges and phone calls aren't real. People lie about themselves and feel free to say things they have no intention or ability to actually do. Even if the guy had followed through on his promise to meet you, I'd bet $100 it would have been disappointing. When a man is hesitating or coming up with excuses when it's time for to meet in person, there's something wrong. Many times it's because he's married or has an SO (like you), and the Internet is his way of "cheating" without risking himself physically or financially. Something to think about...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:38pm
I didn't meet this guy on an internet dating site. Without going into graphic details, I met him when I purchased CD's of his band--he's the lead vocalist/frontman. As for my SO and I, we have an open relationship, and we are honest and upfront about who we talk to and hang with. So, yes, he knows about the other guy, no biggie. I usually don't get emotionally involved with other guys, but.... I made a mistake and fell for this one. Yeah, I know, that was stupid. I've basically disappeared off the IMer's, but only chatting with family and friends I know offline as well as on. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 4:04pm

It's not about what makes him do this on again off again behavoir but why are you allowing yourself to be hooked? It's a distraction from dealing with the issues in your relationship. you need to resolve that one way or the other before trying to meet someone else.


Fantasy is fun but it's not a healthy place to live.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 5:16pm

"Altho' we live close to 2000 miles apart, he kept insisting that we were going to meet."

It was that statement that made me think you had never met this man, and that's why I assumed he was from a dating site. That, and the fact you call him your "Internet lover." But OK...

I'm glad to hear you and your boyfriend have an open relationship and you know about each other's extracurricular activities. But in terms of how you "fell" for the Internet guy, I think you just got caught up in a romantic fantasy you and he concocted over the course of the year.

But an "Internet lover" is usually carrying on the same kind of torrid online affair with several women. And, oh my goodness, he's a MUSICIAN too? I think it's fair to say it would have been an uphill battle to get a real relationship out of HIM!

Keep moving on. Give your boyfriend at home a second look. Maybe it's time you and he made a new agreement and/or commitment. Take care.