Interpreting his looks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Interpreting his looks
6
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:31am

I would really appreciate any insight and sorry for the length of message! When I started my grad school, I began dating a guy from my school. Interestingly, he was also my neighbor and we would eventually share a lot of friends. We dated for about 8 months and would have a very close relationship. Regardless though, whenever we would get in fight I would at times say that "we weren't right for each other" (i guess I said it out of defense since i have had bad relationships in the past)...and I said that two to three times...(and yes I know i was wrong). The last time I said it he said "you are right we should break up". I called him the next day and apologized and said that I wanted to give it another try...despite all this, he said that he thought we should break up.

So anyway, all of that was back in May. We have been seeing each other of course just by default, since we go to the same school, go out to the same places (we live in a small town), and the fact that he is my neighbor and we share friends. Our relationship is odd of course to say the least. Initially I guess he did attempt couple of direct contacts whether out of friendship or more. However, me being in a defensive mode acted either short, cold, or just distant. He even called me at one point to invite me to go out with him and his friend and I rejected his offer and was very short (I was, however, never rude or bitter...I was just simply short and distant...however i am normally a cheery, friendly person so me being short is not characteristic) However, lately, I have changed and have opened up to him and am trying my best to be nice and even establish or initiate contact/friendship myself. However, what has truly captured me is that I have caught him on numerous occassions giving me the same look that he gave me last year when we started dating and i knew he liked me just by his special look (now mind you he is a very unemotional guy and has a very hard time showing emotion and the only way I knew initially that he liked me was just by his look). I guess you will only understand if you have had this type of exchange with someone. He never says anything but its just the way he looks at me. He kept his glance for a long time...sort of an elongated glance with a smile at the end. I also catch him following me very overtly with his head each day in class as I take seat in the lecture hall. Basically, he looks at me very different from other people all the time but he really doesn't do much otherwise to establish a direct contact anymore. He is always receptive and when I initiate something (which is very few times) he is always nice and willing. However, he is also a big macho guy and more so than other guys, he never wants to show weakness. I dont know what to make of him because everytime i look at his eyes and every time we give each other the "stare", I start longing for him! I care for him immensely...I don't know if I want him romantically or not but I know I feel for him deeply.
My question is am I looking too much into it? what do you make of these exchanges? I am very confused and greatly appreciate your feedback on my situation and any advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:30am

Hello zrezaee...

PG has a question for you.

Are you UNCOMFORTABLE when the man looks at you? Or are you FLATTERED? Your response will determine whether you should pursue this man or just ignore him?

If you HONESTLY want to become involved with him....make him an offer to join you for a cup of coffee and a chat. If you get 'turned down'---CANCEL HIM OUT OF YOUR MIND! If you get a "SURE---THAT WOULD BE GREAT"----put your cards (aka FEELINGS) on the table.

But please don't say words to him that you DON'T mean...okay? The last thing ANY man wants is to believe in...are feelings from a woman...that are A COMPLETE LIE!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 1:07pm
I agree with PG. Also "eyes giving that look" can be very attractive, very magnetic, it could make us melt, it could make us want to kiss the person, fall for the person, feel for the person (and I do know what you are talking about)..but, that does not mean it is going to make our relationship successful with that person. Talk to him openly. Tell him you mean your words. And stay committed to the relationship along with him, and time should tell whether you both are compatible. And if he doesn't show any interest after your sincere offer, then stop your advances and forget about him relationship-wise. You could be using your time a better way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:46pm
This guy must be one of the most confused men on the planet. Your behavior towards him is typical of many women today, however. Not sure of what they want, pushing men away, then realizing the man can survive without you and wanting them back. You've told this man several times that you don't think you are right for each other. When he reached out at some point and asked you to go out, you turned him down. And now you get all hot and bothered when he gives you a certain stare. Whew! This guy has probably realized that he has no future with you beyond the occasional booty call. You have shown yourself to be reactive, whimsical, and fickle. This can drive many a man crazy. Give the guy a break and let him go...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 4:43pm
I think it's pretty typical to still have feelings for your ex several months after the relationship has ended, and it seems to me like that's what's going on here. But there was also a reason why he wanted to break up with you in the first place, and unless he has changed his mind about that, the fact that he still has some feelings for you doesn't matter. I'm inclined to think that if he wanted to get back together with you, he'd be making more of an effort to initiate things. But if you know you want to get together with him and you want to be certain, you can try what PG suggested. This way, you at least won't be left wondering anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 2:25am

Thanks guys for your responses. Just to defend myself by an assertion made earlier about me being whimsical or fickle....I have never been whimsical about my relationship with him. And the only reason that I did mention that I thought we weren't right for each other was because he was acting very emotionally distant throughout our relationship..just to give you an example, the day before valentine he threw a fit and wanted "space" and never called me for valentine. I got upset and basically told him that he either is going to be serious about the relationship or I would break it off and he wanted us together still. So this was back in february and we broke up in may. So as you can see there were plenty of stuff that made me insecure in our relationship. And when he did call to hang out it was after our breakup and I was heartbroken and did not want to come across as weak by accepting his offer and whether wrong or right I did it at the time because I thought it was the best thing for me. I did not really mean to dismiss him at the time.

You guys are right in that talking clarifies things...however, I am one of those girls that hates showing weakness and knowing myself I would never bring the conversation up with him just because I have too much pride. Whether good or bad, I always try and be strong about stuff rather than give in to my emotion. And me being like this was the only reason I could wither a relationship with a guy who is so so emotionally distant. I guess I am not sure. I care for him tremendously and I truly enjoy our times, however, I am uncertain of how he feels about me and that's perhaps why I posted this. I guess bottom line I love the person he is. He has a lot of qualities that are unique and that is what draws me in. I guess in a way I am looking for indications of mutual care. I am just very confused at this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 9:31am

zrezaee...

One final question from Pianoguy.

What's more important to you? YOUR PRIDE? Or GETTING TO KNOW (AND POSSIBLY GETTING EXCLUSIVE WITH THE MAN WHO INTERESTS YOU?

Strength comes in many forms. It's not just "muscular!"

If you truly possess enough "strength" in order to bend your emotions" a little...you MIGHT be a HAPPIER PERSON? And who knows...you might even 'get your guy' too?

Pianoguy