Intimacy too soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Intimacy too soon?
6
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:44pm
I'm hoping there is at least one other virgin at (gasp!) 30 out there. I've haven't had a serious boyfriend, but have just started dating someone. While nothing physical happened on the first date, he kissed me many times on our second date-- at some points we were making out for 15-20 minutes in his car before he left. I've had very little experience -- calling all of those out there who are young/older/wiser than myself...Will he start expecting more intimacy very soon? I'm NOT ready for sex any time soon, but afraid I sent him the wrong message making out with him for so long on our second date. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Sophie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:09am
Some people have sex on their first date and they don't think that it's too soon. Other people wait until they are established as a couple, officially going to be boyfriend/girlfriend (and sexually exclusive with each other) or even when they're getting married (those people still are out there). Have you made a decision about when you will be ready to be intimate with a man? Are you ok with having a fling that's not going anywhere near an altar? You need to know the answers before you can have a talk with this guy. And I think that you need to let this man know you're a virgin. over coffee, not in the car. Find out what his objective is...to find a wife or to have a short term relationship and go from there.

As for when he expects 'it'...I think that men respect a woman who holds him at arm's length until she is sure...but some men will not wait around after a month or three...and that's only ONE way to know that he's interested in you and not just your ass. When I got divorced I don't know how many times my men friends told me to not 'give it to him' (even if I wanted to) and to let the guy get to know me as a person. It's disappointing when a guy you've been hot for doesn't call after the fifth date, but then you know he wasn't that interested and it's for the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 4:51pm
I agree. Waiting is the best tried and true mantra. If a guy is willing to wait, at least he is not just in it for the sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 5:31pm
Thanks everyone for your input! It will be put to the "test" very shortly...

Sophie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 7:30pm
Hi Sophie,

I was sorta in the same position as you are with my current boyfriend. Yup..im still a virgin too at age 22 and b4 my boyfriend i also hadnt been in a serious relationship before.

Our first two dates were a bit awk, mostly cause we were shy and well first dates are always awkward. We showed affection, but subliminly..then the third date came around and that first kiss was followed up later with a make out session as well. I also felt quite confused and asked my girlfriends for help.

If you feel that you are being rushed, tell him how you feel. If he truly cares about you he will respect your feelings. Im guessing that he has more experience than you, does he know this? Its really important to tell him. In my situation, he slowed things down and was a bit more careful about making moves on me..making sure i was okay with things.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:43pm
hi sophie, i'm only 19 but from the little experience i have, i don't think he'll expect anything more from you. the first guy i ever dated, nothing serious was about 8-9 yrs older than me, and he was the first guy i ever kissed, i was even scared that he would expect certain things from me. we would make out for hours even, and still he understood that i wasn't ready for anything as serious as sex. of course he wanted more, but he respected my wishes. i think if you worry about it, that's when you'll get more nervous about getting into those situations with him. if he's a good man, and you explain to him how you feel, then he should respect you for that, if not, then you move on. i don't think that you lead him on in any way, but if you feel that you did, maybe you should talk to him about that last date, and what kind of relationship he's looking for.everything will be fine. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:03pm
Hello All-

Thanks everyone for you're advice. Although I'm a bit embarrased to admit my lack of experience, I think you've all given me some really good advice.

Thanks again!

Sophie