Issue with age difference

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Issue with age difference
10
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:47am
I met this guy about 3 weeks ago and there was instant chemistry. We saw each other a couple of times before he asked me out. We went out on a date, during the date I mentioned to him that I didn't want to know how old he was b/c I didn't want to have an issue with it. I told him how old I am. I believe he is about 25 and I am 29 (will be 30 at the end of the year). When I told him how old I was he said oh, that's ok. I usually hang out with people your age anyway. I was very happy about that. He is actually someone I completely enjoy being with. He makes me happy. I am very sexually attracted to him and I have not felt this way about a guy in a long time. One night I went over to his place and we made out. The first make out session I've had in months and it was so great. A couple of days later he called me up and said that he thought I was really cute and funny, but that HE had an issue with our age difference and just wanted to be friends. We have hung out a few times since then and always have a good time. He did tell one of his friends the other day that I was "cool, but had an issue with the age difference." I'm not sure what to do b/c I really do like this guy and he opens up quite a bit, but then closes off very quickly. I can tell he just wants to be friends, but I'm very frustrated b/c I want more. A few of his friends have told me that he hasn't dated anyone in at least a year. A few of my friends said that I should let him be and not call him for awhile and see what happens. I want him to stay in my life though even if it is just as friends. I don't know how to handle this situation. Please, help.

Confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:16am
baseballgirl9...

A 5 year age difference isn't a big deal, but perhaps this man is getting teased about dating "an older woman" from some of his friends? Pianoguy is aware of the fact that there are several males out there who will END SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS to avoid any negative comments!

If age IS a personal hang-up with the man you're seeing...the only thing you can try to do is reasssure him that "hanging out" with a 25-year old baby doesn't bother YOU in the slightest! Being able to love and nurture him is a real 'turn-on' for you!

Try to stress to him that his mutual respect and a genuine desire to be around you matters a lot more than the difference in your birth certificates! Assuming the man isn't embarrassed by being in your presence, why not ask him: "How can I help you get past our age differences...when you know deep down inside...that You and I are a 'perfect fit' everywhere else???"

Then see how he responds. Good Luck....

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 5:29pm
I guess my other concern is, do I continue to call him to hang out or do I have to wait until he calls me. The last time we hung out was Friday night and we both had a blast. He made the comment "I'm really glad you called."

Another thing, we were out with one of his friends and his friend invited me to a dinner party that he is having in about a week. Is that a good sign? It was the first time I had met his friend. Everytime we go out though he is always introducing me to his friends.

Also, if we do continue to see each other as friends when do I ask the questions you posed? It's not like we really talk about stuff like that. I don't want to make things any more uncomfortable.

Thank you for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 5:57pm
baseballgirl9...

Pianoguy thinks you should accept the dinner invitation...assuming the fact that your b/f

is also invited and will accompany you.

Question: Do YOU do most of the calling? Or is this a 50/50 arrangement?

I honestly think he should be sharing the responsibility of setting things up...so during a quiet moment together, perhaps you could "suggest" that you alternate 'dating ideas?' This way...you can compliment each other!

As I thought about my earlier response to you, the song: "Let's take things NICE 'N' EASY" by Frank Sinatra kept circulating through my head. Maybe this is the way you both should "play out" your relationship till 2005?

If you LIKE the way things are progressing...S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and take your time! :)

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:48pm
I guess I should find that Sinatra song and listen to it.

The problem is that we are not dating. He is not my b/f, we are just friends. It started off as dating, but after a few dates he said he enjoyed hanging out with me, that I was attractive etc., but wanted to hang out as friends with no expectations. I want it to be more than friends though, but he is letting a 5 year age difference stand in the way. We have really good chemistry when we are together. I am very happy when he is around.

Right now the calling has been pretty mutual. He initiated contact at first, but I was the last person to call and suggest doing something. Which we did go out to dinner with his friends and go see a couple of live bands. As you can tell I'm not very good at this. It's been so long since I actually liked a guy that I'm not sure what to do. I guess it boils down to, if he doesn't call me by the time of the dinner party should I just forget about it?

Thank you again for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:57pm
Is that really true?? YOu want him to stay in your life even though he's been clear about the age difference? Come on...be honest with yourself. You want him in your life. He's said no. There's really nothing you can do to MAKE him want to be with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:08am
Did you read everything? Because the only thing he has said is he doesn't want to do is date me. Wouldn't you want to have someone you enjoy being around in your life even if it was just as friends? I would b/c you never know who they can introduce you to. My question more or less was is there a way to change the situation? Get him to see me in a different light. I understand that I can't MAKE him change. He's got to figure that out on his own. Is there anything I can do so that he sees me in a different light, not as an older woman friend, but as a love interest? At what point do you say, is this worth it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:15am
Maybe you should just back off a little. Don't call him for a few days, make plans other than with him. Men like to chase women, although they surely will not admit it to you. Right now he knows he can call you up and at any given time you will go and do anything his little heart desires. Let him miss you for a few days, once he sees that you are not there at his every beckon call, he may come around. I know it is tough. But believe me, when a guy thinks he just may have lost you, and the ball is no long in his court, it drives them insane. If he likes you, like I am thinking he may, avoiding him just might work.

You need to go out and get this book, "Why Men Love Bitches" I think every women should read it and use it as their "bible" when it comes to dating. This book really helped me out. Let us know how things go, Good Luck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:30am
Nope. Once you've been put in the "friend zone", there's really nothing you can do to get out.

You don't SOUND ok with being just friends, since you want more. But if you really are, and it's just not coming out that way in the posts, then go for it. But do NOT expect that his feelings are going to change...that's just a recipe for heartache.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:05pm
You want to take him literally, I'm reading in between the lines. You can hang out with him forever...but do you really want to see him with other women? That's what I'm asking...are you going to be pining for him or do you really just want to be his buddy and rejoice when he meets someone and falls in love with her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:08am
Based on his dating history, he's not likely to do that anyway. Besides I may change my mind in time and that scenario may not bother me. I actually got some really good advice from a male friend of mine. He put things into a more realistic point of view. I know what I need to do now. Thanks for you opinions!