is it about time????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
is it about time????
4
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 8:18pm

I have a question that is really bothering me...
I have been going out with a guy for over 5 months now(we work together, he is 25 I am 22) and things are looking up (although I have been thinking about ending it because sometimes I feel like it is not going anyhere). We don't really do anything as a couple, I go see him at his house, usually stay the night. We go out to clubs and bars at times but nothing else really. I can't really call it a "relationship" because it's very non-existent. However, he seems to think that we have a "relationship" beyond being intimate with each other. Several months ago I told him that what we have isn't even a proper relationship and he was very hurt by what i said to him because he thinks we are making progress.

Well here is the thing. We have never had the "we" talk. He is very bad with expressing his emotions or feelings and everytime we seem to be getting into a "conversation" about us, he quickly changes the topic. Well I am starting to grow tired of this. I realize that 5 months is not a long time but I think it is enough time to establish what "we" are. It is frustrating to me because I don't know what we are. I need to know this because if the relationship is not going anywhere, I will put my interests into someone else and start dating other people.

It is finals time right now, so I don't want to bring up the topic right now because I don't want to stress him out (and cause me to become upset) but I do want to know what we are, not just for my own info but also I want to know what he thinks of "us", whether he thinks he is free to go out and pick up other women. I would think that our relationship means more to him but since we have never discussed it, how am I supposed to know?...

now, I need to ask you this; do I have the right to ask him this? I know relationships in the beginning really have no "direction" because you are just starting out...but I think 5 months is enough to "establish" something at least...am I being unreasonable? I know he is not using me for sex and I know we have an emotional bond that goes beyond the sex but I need to know what he considers me...is this a reasonable request????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 8:51pm
Hon, you have all the right to ask what's the status of your relationship...however, by the info in your post it seems that you're in a "friends with benefits" type of relationship. Yes, you hang out and hook up at his and your own convenience but there is no commitment or exclusivity. There is no obligation to each other. His comment of "we're making progress" might be due to his enjoyment of this deal without being in a serious relationship. Why get serious if he can have the same casually dating you? You say you both have never had the "talk" so it's assumible that you're just "friends" who hang out and have sex.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 1:02pm

There are two things I would want to know if I had been dating someone for 5 months and was sleeping with him: 1, are we on the same page with respect to the type of r'ship we want, and 2, are we dating exclusively. If he's not volunteering the information, you need to ask, and not allow him to change the subject.

You are not being unreasonable in the least in needing this information. There's no way I'd have gone as long as you have without it!

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 2:46pm

P.S. I just wanted to add that you should definitely wait until after finals are done to bring this up...you've waited this long, you can wait another couple weeks!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 7:00pm

I definetly think you need to address this with him. Sit him down and tell him you are going to ask him a direct question and want a direct answer. Then ask him what he considers the two of you to be. Tell him what you are looking for, not just what you think the two of you are. Be honest that you are looking for a commitment. If he can't give you a straight answer, or won't, then you'll know where you stand- there will be nothing more to the "relationship" than what you're getting now.

I know it's a hard thing to discuss, but don't waste any more of your time and energy on someone who isn't on the same page.

Alison

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