is it a culture thing???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
is it a culture thing???
8
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:55pm
Hi all,

I have been seeing a Nigerian man (I am Scandinavian) for about 3 months now. So far, so good, despite a few disagreements...I have a little problem now tho...

We have gone out as a couple quite a few times; to clubs, bars, out to eat, his sister's party etc and it's been much fun.

This past saturday, I went over to his to spend the night, we had no plans to go out, just to chill...his friend called us during the evening and we ended up going out to the city. Right now, his money is very thinly spread out (as I said in my previous post about not understanding where our relationship is going) because he can only work 22 hours a week as he takes 6 classes. He pays for everything himself (including tuition, his new car, living expenses etc) so he doesn't have much extra, while as I live with my parents and have no expenses. So when we go out, I am the one paying, which is fine. This weekend, I blew over $100 on our night out, which is fine because I dont go out too often...I have no problem paying BUT what gets to me is that he very rarely thanks me for anything. I don't know whether he feels "inferior" because he is the man, yet I am paying or is it a culture difference...I am not sure how to give him a hint. I am too nice to just say "your welcome" when I get him something, but it does annoy me a little bit when he seems totally ungrateful.

Also, he is a man who cannot speak about his feelings. I am worried that I will never hear the 3 words out of his mouth, when just getting him to tell me what(if anything) i mean to him...it is SO frustrating. Especially since my ex boyfriend was totally in touch with his emotions and would complement me and tell me he loves me and cares about me...any ideas???
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 6:09pm
This has nothing to do with culture and all to do with MANNERS! This man is unappreciative of what you do and will continue to be as long as you allow him to be. I think you should bring it up with him, and let him know that a simple thanks would be great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:16pm
Hey Wind1valley, my ex-husband is Nigerian. We were married for 7 years. He said, I Love You everyday constantly. I don't remember having a problem with him saying thank you. But he did have a hard time saying excuse me and also apologizing when he was wrong.

I understand your friend is in school and he's short on funds, but be careful. You may get several months down the line and be out of hundreds perhaps thousands of dollars. I don't want to suggest paranoia or suspicion - just caution. What do you think will happen if you stop footing the bill? Do you think if you didn't pay all the time that he would gradually stop hanging around you? What you guys found things to do that didn't cost lots of money?

There's no excuse for him not saying thank you. What's up with that?! Confront him during a comfortable relaxed moment. Hey, be bold! Ask him how does his culture feel about women footing the bill - if he's along for the ride and using you, he may not be forth coming. Also ask, what do your people say when someone bestows generosity - specifically a woman bestowing generosity on a man?

One thing I've learned is that none of us are really that different White, African, Black, Red....... whatever. We all want to be respected. Have fun be his friend but don't be disrespected. Think about a couple of your American friends where the girl is picking up the expenses for the guy. How do you feel about that? It's no different with Africans. Men all over the world feel basically the same way about women give or take a couple of degree of difference.

Lots of tribes in Nigeria - Which tribe is he? Yoruba? Ibo? Hausa? Fulani? Some tribes are more chauvanistic than others. Ibo men are the easiest to get along with. My ex-husband is Benign - he could be a sweet person but I do think cultural differences broke us up. He was very rigid emotionally, very domineering and very authoritative - even though he said I love you all day everyday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:34pm
He is Fulani I believe...here is the thing. When I go stay at his, he never suggests going out because he knows I will be the one footing the bill. This makes sense, I wouldnt suggest going out either if I knew he had to pay for it all...So when I go see him, we usually just hang out, watch tv etc...I realize I am the one initiating the stuff that costs money BUT "thank you" would be nice. I hear ya on the "excuse me" and apologizing thing...I am HUGE on manners because my parents have always made it a huge priority. He met my mom this past saturday (which was a huge step as I know my father will have a huge problem with me going out with a black man) and he was polite to my mom, thanked for everything and stuff...so why not thank me??? And also, sometimes when we go out to dinner and I am paying cash, he takes the cash from my hands and counts it and puts it on the table as to seem like he is paying. Little things like that annoy me very much. I have got much more comfortable with him when it comes to expressing my feelings and such, so if this continues...he'll be in for some "manner" education...

Also, he is going to Nashville to see his uncle in 3 weeks time and he asked me if I wished to go with him. Now it's my midterm week the following week, but that isnt my main concern. If I go, I am a little concerned that he will be using me as "his cash machine"...I would like to go with him, but I think I also have enough reasons to stay...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:11pm

I agree that his failure to say "thank you" probably has less to do with his culture and more to do with bad manners.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:28pm
You brought up a good point...he does thank people when they do something for him. We work together, so often times we need to ask help from our co-workers as we are both relatively new to the department. He always greets people by their name, says thank you, please, your welcome....so now I am totally puzzled, why is it hard for him to express gratitude towards me. I don't think he means to be rude, but sometimes he comes across that way...i am not sure if we are compatible in the long run, the more we spend time together I start to realize how different we are...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:06pm
You seem to be a young woman that is open minded. You're a modern woman not out to have a man take care of you nor do you judge a guy by what he can provide you. And kudos to you for crossing the racial barrier. Oh to be young and idealistic! People like you help change the world! Your friend is probably just as open minded and idealistic as you or he wouldn't be with you. BUT here's the thing.... MOST people are imprinted very early by their society and culture. If he's Fulani, generally they are from the northern regions of Nigeria and are muslim. So what is the extent of his imprint? What you said about him taking money out of your hands and paying instead of letting you pay smacks of male dominance.

He invited you to see his uncle so it seems he likes you. Whew! I guess your decision is do you feel like catering and accomodating the chauvinist in him? Sounds exhausting to me, but I don't know him. Maybe his charming side far outweighs his booger side - you're the one who knows that. If he's irresitible, charming, makes you happy and whatever else you require - and you can train him to say thank you - maybe there's hope. If marriage ever becomes a major proposition, give it some real serious thought - mixing cultures really is more than a notion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:05am
maybe i got it all wrong...he definitely isn't a muslim, he is a christian and from the south so not a fulani then. he told me once what he is but that was when we first started going out.

he did offer to pay for dinner when we went out to eat on saturday night. however, since i was the one drinking and my share of the bill was about 75%, I payed for it...so he did offer...

Thank you for your words!!! I do feel that I have stepped out of how women in general feel about who should pay for a date. I feel that it should be the one who can best afford it or split it. I went out with a guy whose parents are millionaires, so yes I didn't disagree when he insisted on paying...

i think i just need to see where it goes, i am not planning on spending that much every weekend, every now and then is fine. I think I will speak to him soon about how I feel about his total inability to express his feelings...good thing is, if he cant meet me half way, i don't have to out with him any longer...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:31pm
".....if he cant meet me half way, i don't have to out with him any longer..."

Sounds like you have a plan of action. I hope it goes the way you want it to go. Good luck to you guys.