Is it ever OK...{regarding Ex's}

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Is it ever OK...{regarding Ex's}
10
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:14am

Hi,

Is it ever OKAY to tell one's Bf or Gf that person A or person C is a Friend (and they are)---- MINUS the information that, AT ONE POINT IN TIME, they were a little more than a friend. i.e..either a full blown relationship that did not work out, or a short 2 month date.

I am perplexed because of 2 reasons pulling me in different directions--

1. I really hate to lie. Even not revealing information, is a kind of lie. And then, WHAT IF, he/she finds the truth out later on?? On the other hand,

2. It is sure to complicate things. They say, one should not be STUPIDLY honest.
It is a GIVEN that, once the idea is planted that Person C had some intimate relations, is sure to make the man/woman uncomfortable, however mature a person they are. So who needs to know such an unnecessary information from the past, when it is no longer true anyway?

So, is it ever OKAY to rule out the unnecessary part that we DATED them in the Past?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 8:49am
No I don't think it is ever okay. When your s.o. finds out (and chances are s/he will), s/he will not only feel lied to, but also feel that s/he has been made a fool of. Honesty is the best policy and let the cards fall where they may. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:28am

If it was you and you found out that your bf lied to you, how would you feel? I would guess betrayed and hurt. I think it's best to be honest, this way you won't have to worry about him finding out.


Now if you feel you cannot be honest with him because of the way he'll react, well that's a whole different issue... Is that the case here?


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 12:11pm

No, I don't think it's ok to lie by omission.

And who said it's a given that the person will be uncomfortable about being friends with an ex? I'm friends with several exes, so I'm hardly going to be upset if someone I'm dating is friends with an ex, also.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 6:00pm


Thanks for your replies...so everyone is in favor of being truthful about ones ex-dates.
Perhaps I feel unsure because I have always been with men with whom the whole dynamic changes once they know that anyone has been an ex-bf or an ex-date. Everytime I talk to this friend or hang out with them, the boyfriend would get mildly suspicious and I'd feel like I am being "watched". If I happen to have one long chat with this 'friend', or meet with this 'friend' for a meal, the bf would get uncomfortable. I was never told to "stop meeting" these friend, but nevertheless, I could always sense the discomfort. That for me was unnecessary tension in the relationship. That has been my experience with every guy I told the truth to. I have friends who were ex's and who are in my life now, but telling my current bf that they were all my ex's sounds uncomfortable. And btw, these bf's would get uncomfortable despite my attempts to make everyone mingle and be cool with each other.

Not only this, everytime "I" have been told about my bf's friend who is an ex, I have myself become uncomfortable. The whole dynamic does change. I start lookin at that girl with different eyes.

Even as a gf, I feel I don't need to know if they went out at one time in the past. It was in the past. Why dig graves. I don't know if anyone who is reading is, is able to understand where I am coming from.

But the above reasons are why I had that question.
I hate to "not tell everything" but at the same time, the consequences of "telling everything" are never pleasant and smooth. In my entire dating experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 6:56pm

If you are hanging out with any of your guy friends/former flames on a one-on-one basis, not just with groups of friends, I think your BF should know that they are ex's. It lets him know that you are NOT trying to do anything behind his back, and just want to be honest about it. It also gives HIM a choice as to how he feels about it, kwim? The truth gives people choices.

As you said << boyfriend would get mildly suspicious and I'd feel like I am being "watched">> ... by telling him "I dated this guy for a couple of months a few years ago" or whatever it was ... you are "filling him in" and giving him an opportunity to choose how he feels about it, with full knowledge, rather than suspicions that perhaps you had/have something going on. With that knowledge, together, you guys can decide how to proceed with your friendships with these guys.

If your BF has a problem with it, and doesn't want for you to hang out with them, you'll need to seriously consider whether or not you are willing to "drop your friends" because your BF is "uncomfortable." While I do believe that we owe respect and consideration to our current partner, it also has to be reasonable. If he trusts you and is secure in the relationship, and vice versa, this isn't a big deal. Of course, you have to know what role and value these guys play in your life, and do your best to explain to him what their friendships mean to you. And, if he understands that, that's great! O

verall though, I can't agree with asking an SO to terminate friendships simply because it makes one uncomfortable. (if these friendships are truly interferring with the rleationship, that's a different story ... that calls for setting boundaries, for sure).

But, as adults, in ADULT relationships, we have to learn to trust and be secure with ourselves ... so that we can trust others and be secure in our relationships, right!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 7:42pm

Yes, there should be trust and security in the relationship. Perhaps I have never ever been in a relationship with a guy who is capable of giving me that. And my being a very sensitive person, does not help either. But I would say some possessiveness and insecurity are human traits, not traits of a mentally imbalanced person. And having ex's in the picture, always flames these natural tendencies. That is what I feel.

I have a question though: Aren't there "more" chances of things happening between people who are Ex's? I would say there are more chances, because that couple has been on romantic terms before. No wonder, then, that it's the ex who creates feelings of discomfort more than someone who has always been a friend.

I believe that ex's who are friends should be given a chance to mingle with bf/gf, but as I said, the feelings of discomfort persisted even after such attempts. The bf always looked at my guy friend as "competition". It's quite upsetting to have that dynamic going on. And God Forbid if I take my friend's side in an argument, not because they were an ex, but because they were really right, then I am in for a fight.

I would never "drop a friend" for an SO, when me or him have done nothing except be simple friends. One shouldn't be put in a position to choose between a friend or an SO to begin with. That sounds very unhealthy. (except when something really wrong is going on).

I am playing devil's advocate here, coz I don't have a set one-sided view on this issue. Had just wanted to know what people think about what I am thinking. Perhaps, I am yet to be in a near-perfect relationship, where I wouldn't even get a chance to pose such a dilemma. Where truth could be respected for the understanding and openness it brings, and not used as a weapon to bring distress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 7:58pm
Here is my feeling on the matter. If a man is dating me then he needs to let go of all the other women he has been romantically involved with in the past. If he is not willing to do that, then obviously I am not as important as the "former" girl friend. For all I know, the ex dumped him and he calls himself her "friend" but secretly carries a torch for her. Friends come and go in our lives but a marriage is supposed to be a lifetime partnership...now which person should we concentrate on pleasing; friend or spouse? I don't have ANY contact with any guys from my past and I expect the same from any man who is serious about me. Iri
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 10:36pm

I would say, rather, that you and a man who is loyal to his friends who happen to be exes are just not right for each other. For example, I'm not going to drop friends of 25 years standing because we dated at one point, and that has nothing to do with how "important" an SO is to me. It's a matter of character, loyalty and integrity to me. Someone who's right for me will understand my POV and someone who's right for you will understand yours. Personally, many of these friends have been there nearly all my adult life and I expect that they will continue to be there 25 years down the road.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:24pm

I understand your point iri and respect it. I wish I had a set point of view like that. But I don't. For me, life seems to be full of gray shades, and I would not be able to lay down a rule like "no contact with ex's" because of 3 reasons: 1. I want my partner to make his own decision regarding who he wants in his life (unfortunately, that involves ex's) It really is His life, I am only his partner sharing that life. 2. I myself have friends who I once dated. I can't be a hypocrite. I have, as it is, few close friends that I have made along the way (I don't have anyone I grew up with). If I let all of them go, people I care for and who care for me, my life will feel very empty. 3. Men and women "can" be friends even after being each others' dates. (But, depends on the dynamic of that particular past relationship too. So one has to use ones judgment whether a sincere friendship will work. For this, ofcourse, the partner has to trust the SO that they know what they are doing.)

And Sheri, you are right, perhaps me and him are just not right for each other, if we cannot be happy with the way things are.

Ideally, I don't believe anyone should have to "omit" anything. But one has to be prepared for the consequences, whatever path they choose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 4:00pm

<< But I would say some possessiveness and insecurity are human traits, not traits of a mentally imbalanced person. And having ex's in the picture, always flames these natural tendencies. That is what I feel. >>

Hopefully, you won't always feel that way. Because, IMO, having ex's in the picture doesn't always naturally flame these tendencies. If a person has a tendency to feel possessive, jealous or insecure (which, jealousy is just a symptom of insecurity) ... it's important to feel secure within your self and have trust in your partner. It all comes back to trust.

<< I have a question though: Aren't there "more" chances of things happening between people who are Ex's? I would say there are more chances, because that couple has been on romantic terms before. >>

Operative word being on romantic terms "BEFORE." If a person isn't secure in their relationship, trusting themselves and their partner ... it doesn't matter if the person is a former flame or someone new who catches your eye. If you're still feeling something toward the former flame, I'd say there are MORE chances. But, if you're capable of having feelings for someone else ... ex or not ... while in a relationship, the chances are there regardless if it's an ex or someone new. Again, it comes back to trust and trusting yourself and being secure with yourself and your SO.

<< The bf always looked at my guy friend as "competition". It's quite upsetting to have that dynamic going on. >>

Well, then ... that's HIS problem, not yours. If you're with someone who sees other guys as "competition" then you're with someone who's not secure and trusting of you. Is that what you want in a partner? Because, that is what you'll have to accept if or until he is secure with your friendships.

<< One shouldn't be put in a position to choose between a friend or an SO to begin with. That sounds very unhealthy. >>

Precisely. Unless the ex is TRULY inteferring with the relationship, the friendship shouldn't be MADE INTO a problem.