Is it OK to date two guys????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Is it OK to date two guys????
6
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 10:13pm
I'm a single mum, after leaving my eight year marriage.... I DON'T GET DATING!!! I don't know the rules. After getting 'messed around' by another guy recently, I approached the dating game with the attitude that I'll see who I want when I want, till I find someone worthwhile.

Trouble is, now I think I have met two of them. Is it ok to still date them both till I can get a better idea of their personalities, and decide what i want? Do I need to tell them what the situation is?

I like them both for entirely different reasons too. One is drop dead gorgeous, sweet, charming, looking for a serious relationship, open, and is on exactly the same wavelength as me (sense of humour, likes dislikes etc...) The other is also gorgeous (maybe why I am reluctant to give up either? I think it's a total novelty that such attractive men want me?) I get on very well with him, he also makes me laugh... tho I haven't had the opportunity to really talk to him one on one. With this guy, there is also that SPARK the chemistry. The feeling that when we see each other everything stops. Though I am unsure if all that is just sexual?

The trouble is, I am actually a very honest person. I feel terrible to think that I may be cheating on either. To put this in perspective tho, I have only really known them both for 2 to 3 weeks. I don't want to be deceptive. Do people date a couple of people at one time. What's the 'rules' in relation to this? How long is this an ok thing? And then... What happens when sex gets involved???

Sigh. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:37am
Hi,

I think it's okay to see two guys if being exclusive has not been discussed... after all, men do it all the time. I personally wouldn't do it simply because I wouldn't want it done to me. That said, if you agree to become exclusive with one of them, then it would be the right thing to do to break it off with the other one immediately. As far as telling them.... I wouldn't say anything, you don't owe them explanations unless you are in a committed relationship. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 6:34pm
hmmm..... from experience of being on the other end, my opinion is, if you continue to see both, they should know. If sex is involved, they should definitely know - that's a health issue and no sex is safe sex (sorry, even with a condom). They should be given a choice in that matter.

When I started dating again I wrongly assumed that sex meant exclusivity - these men might as well. Heck - I even thought letting the man know that I expected it if we were having sex was enough - wrong again. I am now trying to repair a (at one time wonderful) relationship that is on VERY shaky ground because I am finding out about lies and deceptions at the very beginning of our three year relationship. Why not start out honest in case it does go somewhere. If they're scared away because you want to date others then they may not be for you anyway. They should understand in the beginning that you want to "play the field" - they might want to also.

A few weeks is no big deal but after a while you both should be talking about what's going on, whether it's fun or serious or whatever.

Just my experience after being badly burned by deception.

MHP

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 6:40pm
Absolutely it's "ok", so long as you're ok with it!

These are the groundrules I use for dating multiple people:

1. I assume both of us are dating others until we've specifically discussed and agreed to exclusivity.

2. I don't talk about the fact that I'm dating other people unless asked...I just think doing so is rude (and I certainly don't want to hear about his dates!). But if a guy asks if I'm dating other people, I won't lie.

3. My rule of thumb is to not get sexually involved with anyone until we agree to be exclusive (not date other people) and monogamous (not sleep with other people). Since it takes me a while to get to know someone well enough to decide whether I *want* to date them exclusively, I'll generally date someone for a good 6-8 weeks before agreeing to exclusivity and sleeping together. Usually, by that time, the other men I was dating when we first started seeing each other have fallen by the wayside, but I still like to wait and get to know the other person a bit before making the commitment to be exclusive.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 8:50pm
I don't know. I guess it depends on if you're the custodial parent, how old your child is, how much time you have left over after working full-time to pay attention to your child and also date. It depends on whether or not your kiddo gets short-changed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:02pm
Firstly, i'm dead envious that you not only FOUND ONE, but TWO! what i wouldnt give to feel that "spark" again for a man! It's been awhile for me too. But here is my advice to you...hell yes! Of course you date both! Now, i wouldnt sleep with both, but why wouldnt you date more than one man?? Stop thinking like a female! Date like a man! You dont think men don't date more than one woman at a time???

That is what dating is all about. Heck, we all should have one for each day of the week! Get to know the two of them..and sure, if you feel guilty, be honest with them and tell them both that you are "dating" other men. Nothing to make a man work harder when he knows he has competitiion.

You go girl and have a ball getting to know each other them. This is the building blocks of tomorrow and determining whether or not you want a long term relationship with either of them. Build build build! Nothing better than a great friendship to start off a great relationship.

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 10:33am
One last comment that no one has touched on. Don't involve your children and have them meet any of these guys until you have chosen one that you will build your relationship with. (And definitely keep sex out of this if you are dating multiple people. Wait until you have decide which one you pick before bringing sex into the picture - all that does is bring other emotions into the picture that will then cloud things.) I have dated a couple of people at the same time - but did not allow it to go any longer than 3 months - by that time you should have a pretty good idea who would you prefer to be with - after 3 months I think too many emotions are starting to build up and it's not fair on either person (you or the guy).