is it ok to forgive a cheater?
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is it ok to forgive a cheater?
| Sat, 11-12-2005 - 12:09am |
i was wondering if it is ever ok to forgive a cheater and have a happy, faithful relationship? i was wondering if anyone ever took back a cheater and how it worked out?

I would say no, don' t take them back.
once a cheater, always a cheater.
I just went through this senario with somene who has been asking me out for months now. He & I work together. Its a large company, so it wouldn't bea huge deal if we dated. I travel frequently so I wouldn't have to face him everyday in the office if things went sour.
But point is, I found out through a mutual friend he had cheated on his girlfriend before. He & I hooked up while I thought they were on a break. He had a very off/on relationship. They weren't ... I cut things off after that. He & I remained friends , and we have never hooked up since. But, he kept asking me out. I told him repeatedly why I'd never date him. But he kept asking me out.
Finally he broke up w/ his gf for good. Was over a month since they broke up and he had a talk with me. saying that he changed, he realized why he cheated and that it wouldn't happen again. Also he said way back when (after we had hooked up), it wasn't like him to cheat on girlfriends. Well, i didn't really believe it. So, i told him again the last time he asked me out (2 weeks ago) that i just couldn't see myself dating a cheater. casual or not, whats the pt?
So, last week we were hanging out and it was the final asking me out session ... he accepted. Then his true colors came out, and boy i got all the stories. Him cheating on his gf at a wedding! right in front of her. Other stories i wont even go inot.
My pt is , had i not stuck to my guns, the guy would've made me believe he really changed from being a cheater. It was just a diguise to try and date me. And a challenge for him. I almost gave him a chance, and im glad i didn't, because He'll never change.
Move onto someone who doesnt have a history of cheating. Risks are good, but tihs risk is self torture IMO...
People in marriages are always rebuilding after affairs. Sometimes it doesn't work and the WS continues to cheat at other times, sometimes they really do work out and live to have good lives together after an affair.
It's really up to the individual. It would take a lot for me to ever rebuild with a cheater and if we weren't married I wouldn't at all.
Tough question. I think there are a lot of people who say "if my BF or H cheated on me, it would be over in a NY minute!" But, reality is, a lot of people give second chances and the opportunity for the "cheater" to show that they ARE worthy of the relationship.
If this is the case, hypothetically speaking, one chance is all a person would get. "Once shame on you, twice shame on me" as the saying goes.
As well, I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" ... that is saying that people cannot learn from their mistakes. If a person is a "serial cheater" and you know that they have a history of cheating, then ... why bother? But, if it was a mistake and they own up to it and take responsiblity, I don't believe that it's a given that it will happen again.
As for forgiveness, I'd have to assess 1) did they have the courage to disclose it themselves, rather than hearing about it from someone else and 2) are they showing remorse and being open and honest from this point forward.
I don't think I'd forgive someone who didn't have the strength to tell me himself ... having to hear it from someone else would be a sign that they just wanted to "get away with it" ... even if it was just a one-time thing ... and I don't want to be with someone who believes it's ok to keep secrets from me.
I think it is totally up to the person involved. I was dating a guy and we were pretty serious, talking about getting married. He moved across the country to take a killer job. I was thinking, "He is getting established, house, job, the whole nine yards. Soon he is going to come back for me with a ring in his hand and we are going to live happily ever after." Find out thru a friend of mine that lived in his area that he had a gf out there. When I confronted him he denied it and only after me telling him her name and everything I knew did he admit it. We broke up and he got enagaged to this girl. Several years later he comes to my college graduation to surprise me. I had never really gotten over him and since he was available again, we got back together, briefly, until I found out he was cheating on me again. That was the final straw and I dumped him for good.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Then I know another couple that had a situation where her husband cheated on her when she was pregnant with their first child. 27 years later he confessed to her what she had known all along and they worked thru it. It took a genuine change of heart on his part and rock solid commitment to their family and their relationship on both their parts but they are both better people for it and they couldn't be more in love today.
Also forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. Forgiveness is healty and it should be done not for the other person's benefit, but your own. Forgetting is another story- I tend to have a memory like an elephant if someone cheats on me. It kills trust and you have to earn that back, and it's pretty expensive!
Edited 11/12/2005 8:58 pm ET by mamay081