Is it ok if girls make the first call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Is it ok if girls make the first call?
7
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 4:46pm
Is it ok for a girl to make the first call? Guys, how would you feel if a girl called you just to say (example: "hi, what's up? This is so and so.. I find you attractive." Ladies, any experiances in dealing with this sort of situation would be most apreciated! Thank you all, Jen
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:15pm

Sure, it's "ok"...but it's never worked for me. I used to do it frequently, and ask guys out...but things never worked out. I finally realized that even if they said "yes", they were just being polite...but they weren't *really* interested in me...if they were, they would have called ME in the first place.

I would NOT say "I find you attractive" though, even if I were to call. That just strikes me as an odd thing to say.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:23pm
lol i dunno, it was an example... Umm, i wouldn't ask him out persay, just call and be like "Hi,this is Jen, how are you? What are you up too?... etc." Make small talk to try to break the ice alittle to try to give him a slight idea that i'm into him without actually uttering those words. This man is not exactly a stranger, we've hung out a couple times, and he's made comments to my friend about me, he just hasn't made a move. But he is very shy, i just don't get it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:28pm

Yeah...I still say, if he's interested, he'll call.

And if he's really SO SHY that he can't make a simple phone call to a woman he's interested in, well, is that really someone you want to date?

Besides, you already called him, right? I just realized you'd posted earlier today. He knows you're interested now, so there's no excuse for him not to contact you if HE is interested.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:40pm
lol, ya i no, alrighty thank you for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 7:35pm

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with making the first call. I have done it a few different times myself with very different results each time, but I have never regretted calling any of those times.

The first time I called a guy it was one of those high school crushes where I had been completely obsessed with him for the longest time, and he barely even knew that I existed. I was so nervous calling him that I couldn't even bring myself to tell him who I was on the phone. I ended up e-mailing him later and telling him it had been me that had called, and then I never heard anything back from him after that. I know some people might have walked away from an experience like that saying they never should have called, but looking back, I've always been glad I made the call. It's not like I missed out on anything by making that phone call because nothing would have ever happened between us if I hadn't made any type of a move anyway. And if I hadn't made that phone call, who knows along it would have taken me to get over him. I needed something like that to happen so I could know there would never be anything between us, and I could forget him. As a result of that, I was able to start getting more interested in other guys that I would have missed out on otherwise.

The second time I did something like that, I actually didn't call a guy. I just sent him an instant message, but it was the same sort of a thing. The guy was the president of a school club at my university that I'd gone to a few times, and I just had a casual crush on him at the time. We'd spoken in person to each ohter only very little, but the university's website had his screen name to IM him listed. One day when I was feeling bored and saw that he was on-line, I decided to say hi to him and to see if he'd want to chat. We ended up finding out that we had a lot in common and really hitting it off and having a great conversation that lasted for several hours. Before the conversation was up, he asked me if I'd be interested in going out on a date with him, and we had a date set up for a couple of days away. Plus, he was saying he was bouncing off the walls with excitement looking forward to going out with me. So of course, I didn't regret contacting him that time.

The third time it was a guy I knew relatively well from a group situation, but we'd never really spoken to each other one-to-one before. I had a huge crush on this guy. So one day I decided to be brave and pick up the phone and call him. When I told him who was calling, he gave me a very enthusiastic "hello", as though he was really happy to hear from me. We had a good conversation. Then a couple of weeks later, I ran into him at an event we were both at, and when he saw that I was leaving, he left with me so that we could chat with one another as we walked back to our dorms. After that, we would always exchange a few words when we ran into each other in the hall, but I think the ball was back in my court, as far as making the next move, and I was always too shy to do it. I ended up e-mailing him after we'd graduated and telling him I'd always had a crush on him, and I was wondering if he'd be interested in going out with me some time so that we could get to know each other better. He wrote me back a really nice letter saying he had no clue at all that I'd liked him, and that he was really sorry that he couldn't take me up on the offer because he'd just moved to a new city. He was the type of guy who had a lot of female friends that were just friends so I really think that he thought I was just interested in him as a friend when I called him. And I get the impression from certain things he'd said and done, that he had also really been interested in getting to know me more as just a friend. I just really wish I hadn't chickened out on opportunities I had to find opportunities to talk to him after he walked back with me to the dorms that evening because who knows where things may have eventually lead. But I'm at least glad I called because I was completely on cloud-9 after he sound excited to hear my voice when I called, and after he walked back with me that night a couple of weeks later.

So, yes, I am somebody who thinks you shouldn't be afraid to make the first call to a guy. The way I see it, if he's not interested when you call, then there are only two possibilities. One is that he really doesn't like girls who call guys first. If that's the way he feels, that just means he has more old-fashioned views about men's roles and women's roles. If you're somebody who also has those views, then maybe you really shouldn't call first. I'm rather liberal though and want things like housework and childcare not to have to be divided along gender lines. So any guy who is old-fashioned in that regard wouldn't be the right guy for me anyway. And if calling first weeds those guys out, then I just view that as a positive thing.

The second possibility if he doesn't seem interested when you call is that you're just not somebody he'd be interested in anyway. In which case, you're not losing anything by calling him first. Of course nobody likes the feeling of being rejected. But if you allow fear of rejection to keep you from taking chances, you'll miss out on much of life.

And you never know what will happen if you do call. I know I have heard some guys admit that they'd have been interested in just about any girl who would have shown an interest in them. And even if the guy is pickier, you'll never know if you might not just hit it off when you talk, or if you're not close enough to what he's looking for that he won't be interested in asking you out when you make it easier for him to do so. Plus, I have heard a few stories about guys and girls who were both interested in each other and both were too shy to say anything and admit it. Then, they only found out after it was too late and one or both was already dating somebody else. I think if you really like the guy, the things you potentially have to gain by calling him are just much greater than the things you have to lose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 1:42pm
or you could send a casual, friendly email - even less on the line
,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:43pm
My experience and observations have been that beyond making eye contact, being friendly and other subtle indications of interest, it's usually not going to have the best result to chase the guy. I asked a guy out once. He said "yes", then cancelled, but set-up another date later. We dated for a few months, but he just didn't seem that invested in the relationship. It wasn't deep. Maybe he wasn't deep. We just weren't compatible. He, too, seemed like a shy guy, but he married a girl later. I also had two cousins whose wives chased them. Both wives divorced them. I didn't observe the one couple as closely, but my other cousin just took his wife for granted it seemed like. She cheated on him and married a rich man. I'm not excusing her behavior, but I also saw him physically throw her off our porch years before they divorced. I think men have to be the ones to decide they want to pursue, or, even if they go along, they just don't seem to care all that much, until what they had is gone. Then, it's took late. Ofcourse, some guys just aren't relationship material whether they pursue or not. I guess you have to take it on a case by case basis, but guys have told me they like it when a woman is patient. Just my thoughts.