Is it ok to remain friends with an ex?
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Is it ok to remain friends with an ex?
| Mon, 08-29-2005 - 4:35pm |
Question for all of you...
If you were in a committed, serious relationship and your signifcant other wanted to hang out with an ex who was also their friend, but they had no desire to be back with them...
- What would you say?
- If situations were reversed and it was you who wanted to hang out with your ex, how would you handle it?
Thoughts and comments are most welcome!




It depends on how I feel about my partner's ex and their interaction and the interaction I develop with my partner's ex. If I'm friends with an ex, and I have a bf, I like to be able to have the ex become a friend to us as a couple and become comfortable hanging out with me with my partner. If he doesn't feel comfortable around my new partner, then that seems weird and like there is a hidden agenda on the part of my ex. I have to choose my partner over my ex.
I guess if it's a really good friendship, the ex understands boundaries and can stay good friends on new terms. But I don't know if I could do this myself. If an ex that I'm friends with gets serious with a woman, I generally feel the need to kind of back off and with that, wish them the best.
I would have a problem if my partner felt that he needed alone time with an ex. I just don't think much good can come of that.
If I trusted my SO, I'd have no problems with it. And since I know I am trustworthy, I would expect that any SO of mine would not have a problem with me being friends with an ex.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
What if your SO tells you that it really hurts them and if you continue to see your ex alone they will end the relationship? What would you do?
I would try to figure out why they didn't trust me to be truthful and honest, and to have enough integrity to not do anything with an ex that would hurt the relationship. Hopefully he would be able to realize that he had no reason to be hurt by my friendship and be ok with it.
If an SO continued to have problems with it for no rational reason, then the relationship should end, IMO, because why would I want to be with someone who thought I wasn't honest, trustworthy, etc?
Sheri
P.S. I just wanted to add that in my friendships with exes (and other guy friends) I have appropriate boundaries and am completely upfront and open about these friendships. So this doesn't cover those situations where the friendship is hidden or there aren't appropriate boundaries in place.
Sheri
It's a good tricky question. Something I had been wanting to ask myself. Overall, I do believe that people should be able to be friends after they have broken up, BUT it's another thing to say one will be fine, and another to actually BE fine.
I know my limits with an ex, and likewise, I want to hope that my boyfriend would know the limits with HIS ex. Yes I would be very uncomfortable, but unless he really gives me a chance to doubt something, I will try not to make it into an issue. If we can all hang out once in a while, that would be GREAT. It would help me calm down a bit more. But I know some ex's COULD have difficulty meeting an ex's boyfriend or girlfriend because they "might" feel awkward and I will try to understand that, just as my bf should understand the same thing about an ex of mine who might feel uncomfortable about us all hanging out together. And then there are others, who might feel quite comfortable.
There are couples who have totally moved on and married other people and are happy, and that's a different situation. And then there are ex's who are still single, who still very much like the ex, but who KNOW it's not going to work out with that ex, YET do want to remain friends. There are different dynamics at work.
But regardless of whether there are feelings or not, whether the person has moved on or not, doesnt it come down that friendship is friendship with its own rules. One could have feelings, but if one remains in control, that is what matters. We just need to trust our partners that they will be in control.
In the end, I feel remaining friends is a partner's choice, and who are we to put a stop to the social life they want to have. I would feel terrible about telling someone NOT to meet their friend. I will only broach the subject if I get really suspicious and know there is something fishy going on. We just need to try to select a partner who has integrity and is trustworthy, and who we believe loves us truly or wants to love us.
And we need to then move on with that trust.
Easier said than done...but, I do think we all have a right to choose our friends, even if they are ex's.