Is it a ploy, breakup or for real

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Registered: 05-02-2007
Is it a ploy, breakup or for real
9
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 9:33am
I have been seeing a guy who was showering me with affection and I had decided that he was someone that I could be very serious about. In spite of him telling me, I had not completely opened up to him trying to make sure that there wasn't alot of game included. After a great day together, he seemed to begin to be a little different and when I asked him about it, he told me that a former love had come back into the picture.
He again told me that he was in love with me but that he didn't know how I felt. I told him that I had been having feelings for him for some time and that this was the exact reason I didn't open up.
He asked me to please be patient while he tries to come to a decision on which of us he wants to spend the rest of his life. And yes, he said that he was in love with both of us and that if he were not, he would simply tell me that it wasn't working and part ways. I waited a few days and then told him that he should go off alone and decide. If he decides that I am the person for him and that he has put the other person behing him, then call me and we will see where we are, but for now I felt that we should step back and get this behind us.
Has this been a ploy to find out my feelings, a true situation or a breakup?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 10:56am

I can't get over how many women are experiencing this "phenomenon". Sometimes I think that it is a way for insecure guys to try to get a woman crazy and jealous and have her fight for him because he feels as though he is losing control over his heart. Well, you can't fight for him or over him. For him to have to set aside time to decide who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, is utter b.s. If he doesn't know whether he wants you, then he doesn't want you - that is the REAL story. Anything else is drama cooked up to make you nuts.

Or.... he played a liiittttllle game that could backfire on him. He may want you to understand that by withholding your feelings...you could lose him. Not a very smart way to handle a relationship or a person. If this is the case, he should have just addressed the situation with you, and I'm sure you would have responded to an earnest question. If this is the case it is kind of immature, but very effective because if he fears losing you or being rejected, then he just guaranteed his fate - by his own actions. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Game playing is very dangerous and could cost a guy or a girl alot. If someone game plays with you, then there are no real emotions being invested into the relationship and it always leaves you feeling insecure and scared. People like this dont' have relationships...they take hostages. What you did, by withholding your emotions, was being guarded - he may have taken it for game playing. By not checking with you and asking you how you feel, and making an assumption that maybe you were initiating game playing - he could have decided to rock the boat a little and now there could be a misunderstanding between the two of you. I'm just thinking through a variety of circumstances.

There are games and there are games. There are fun little games that couples play with each other - sometimes used in flirting, but the emotions are safe and the relationship itself is not questioned - those can be fun. That is not what I am talking about.

I am so sick and tired of hearing women having to go through this garbage. You can't be "in love" with two at once. "In love" is the initial infatuation stage, mixed with all the physical chemistry and adoration. This is reserved for someone like you, the new person. He may have unresolved feelings for his ex and if he confuses that with being "in love" then he doesn't know what "in love" is. If that is the case then he probably doesn't know what real love is all about either. He may have loved her because in-love phases into real love. But, usually when an ex reappears (when it is not b.s.) - and the guy never stopped loving her, then he may go back to her, with her faults and all - but he would not necessarily have to spend time deciding.

Also, when someone decides to control a relationship with games, the need for control outweighs the need for a real connection with another person.

With your guy, who knows? How long have you two been dating? And how did you meet?




Edited 5/2/2007 10:58 am ET by snafu2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:16am
We knew of each other from High School but only got toknow eachother well through a community project. We have been dating for 3 months.
When you say the ex situation is utter b.s., are you saying that the situation doesn't exist or what?
You also said that if they don't know if they want you then they don't want you. Does that mean it's ALL game or that they have some feeling?
Did I handle it well by thinking it over and meeting with him to tell him that I/her/we needed to step back and that to call me if he chooses me and is completely over the other?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:19am

Well, is he an honest person, or not? If you don't know him well enough to know that, then I'd at least allow for the possibility that he is being honest but take it with a huge grain of salt.

I think your response was exactly right, in any event. Don't wait for him though--I would assume it's over unless and until he comes back (and even then, someone would have to really SHOW me that he was sincere for me to consider taking him back in this situation). Take an appropriate amount of time to mourn and then get back out there.

Sheri

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Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:14pm

"When you say the ex situation is utter b.s., are you saying that the situation doesn't exist or what?" - I say it is b.s. (or ridiculous) that he has to sit and think about who he wants to be with - because generally guys are usually decisive, where women tend to vascillate. Guys are usually instinctual and dont let go of something or someone who they really want. So if he has to "decide" then he is either fooling himself or you.

"You also said that if they don't know if they want you then they don't want you. Does that mean it's ALL game or that they have some feeling?" - Either he wants you or doesn't want you. If he doesn't know if he wants you...then he doesn't want you - again instinct. You know reeaally WANT you. He may like you, he may like dating you, he may even like kissing you or sleeping with you. But, does he WANT you? That deep down WANT/NEED. I am sure that there has been situations that vary from this golden rule, but I haven't seen many that go the other way like that.

"Did I handle it well by thinking it over and meeting with him to tell him that I/her/we needed to step back and that to call me if he chooses me and is completely over the other?" - I can't tell you that. Only you know what is right for you. You want to wait until he decides your fate. I, on the other hand, would probably let him go and move on with my life. And I would probably say it like that, "If you don't know whether you want me or not in your life, then it is probably safe to say that you really don't want me."

If a guy seems wishy washy about me, then I know it's not right. Sometimes, it is best to let him go, with him understanding that there is no safety net under him. If he is free to explore his feelings about another woman while you stand waiting on the side, then you may feel taken advantage of later on. When my first ex husband left me for another woman and she changed her mind later about her relationship with my ex, he tried to stop the divorce by saying he made a mistake. He didn't want to be alone in this world. Who really wants to be alone in this world? I decided to not stop the divorce because I felt he came back to me for the wrong reasons - fear of being alone instead of really WANTING me. It was a very painful decision because I lost everything and everyone who I loved - including his family, friends, the life we built. I still loved him at the time, but it was the right thing to do. Why would you want someone who "sort of" wants you in his life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:39pm

This has been since last Wed. I met with him to tell of my decision this past Sun.

Question: If the situation were reversed, I am curious what your opinion would be.
She comes up with the old flame and says she needs to make a decision ( you said women vacillate ) and he says that they need to step back and to call him if she chooses so?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 6:01pm

Honestly I don't think it matters if it were a male or female saying it. It comes down to the same thing: They don't want you badly enough to make the decision now. I understand that people get confused, etc but at the end of the day if they're confused now, they'll be confused later.


I know you're searching/reaching for any answer that would give you hope. But the bottom line is do you really want to live your life with someone who had to decide if you were the best of two?


I wouldn't want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 9:59pm
Given the scenario you depicted, my hunch is that a guy would say "see ya".
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 8:12pm
It does'nt sound like a ploy, but that he is legitimately confused. You are right to break things off and get on with your life. What will ultimately happen is what is meant to happen
,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:02am

I agree. I don't think it's a ploy either. You'd be surprised at how many exes come back into one's life.

At any rate, I wouldn't sit back waiting for him to make a decision. If he has to do that, he's just not into you in the first place. Tell him you don't want to be put on hold while he makes up his mind. Your life can and will go on without him.