Is it time???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Is it time???
4
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 5:32pm
Hey guys,

I would really appreciated if anybody out there could give me their honest opinion on the following dilemma.

i met a guy 2 months ago and we clicked right away. He is a wonderful guy, has everything that i want in a man and we just get a long so well. From the beginning we have known that we have an attraction, and one of the first things he let me know was 1. he works alot (hence the end of his last relationship) 2. he doesnt trust rigth off da bat, he needs to get to know a person real well before he can trully trust. 3. he doestn want to play any games. I had no problem with each of the points and they seem to be fair and sincere. so here we are still together, but heres the catch; at least for me, i have no idea what we are....i mean are we dating? seeing each other?? i know hes not seeing anyone else and i am not even looking for no one else aswell.when we are together we act like a couple, we talk on the phone everyday (allthough i find myself calling him all da time..i know he busy but thats another issue), hold hands, hug, kiss, weve even had sex..our friends sees us as a couple..so when i ask him about well Me and Us..he just gives me these answers...Cant make up my mind, only time will tell and just "let it flow", what does LET IT FLOW mean??? i dunno. so i find myself after two months that we are still in the air. I dont know what to do as i am frustruated because i would like to have some kind of defintion to us. But i am scared that if tell this guy, "hey why dont we take our relationship to another level, i wanna be your girlfriend" that hell get scared. I really like him, and i dont want to push him away. But its happened to me before where i wait for the guy to decide and to make up his mind (my last boyfriend..4 years...and in the end was nothing i wasted my time and energy) So i am paranoid of that happening to me again. He knows I like him, i know that he likes being with me..and that he likes me although its never been said straight out. But i would like to have him, all to my self. Right now everything is in limbo. I dont like instability. so heres the dilemma bottom line, its only been 2 months..is it time to define and ask to take the relationship to another level???? is it too soon??? should i wait longer??? i really like him but i dont want to end up waiting for nothing! I was thinking of just giving him till the end of this month, and then i would confront him and ask him seriously. I mean everything is going so well, i dont want to ruin anything either. i like where we are, but i want to have that security. I dont know if i am being too impatient or too unfair. Someone please let me know what ya'll think.

Thank you!!!

sincerely frustruated and confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: ibmaggy
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 5:44pm
Ok, first of all, you don't need to *confront* him. You need to talk to him. You should tell him that you would like to know what you MEAN TO HIM. Tell him that you feel that there should be a little more definition to your relationship together. If you want to be his exclusive girlfriend, you need to TELL him that. If he doesn't agree, then he doens't want anything more than what he's offering now. You don't need to stand there with ultimatums, but you don't need to be wondering either. If you need it more cut and dry and he can't provide that, it may be time to find someone who can. The more wishy washy the guy is, the more vague he is, the more I see that they are happy to just have someone around for the convenience and not because they really love that person and want to be with just that person. Does that make sense?

So ask for what you want. If you don't get it, find someone who wants to give you what you're looking for.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ibmaggy
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 6:05pm
I think the best you can do at the two month point is 1, know what type of r'ship he's looking for *in general* (not with you specifically; it's too soon for that), and 2, make sure he hasn't ruled you out as a potential partner in that type of r'ship.

I think it's fine to "let it flow" so long as you know you're flowing in the same direction, ya know ;-)??? If he's thinking "I'd love to have a long-term but no obligation companion for fun and sex", and you're thinking "I want a serious LTR leading to marriage" then you'll know you're not on the same page.

However, if you find out you are on the same page, and that he still considers you as a potential serious SO or spouse or whatever, then I wouldn't push him on where your r'ship stands until you get at least to the 4-6 month point, as it takes that long to start to get to know someone well enough to know if they are potentially right for you. For that matter, YOU need to be a little more skeptical at this point...I'm sure he is wonderful in many respects, but everyone's on their best dating behavior in the first couple months...the "real" him probably won't start to come out for another month or two. Remind yourself that it's early and time will tell!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: ibmaggy
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 6:09pm
Hi

Well, this guy is being very honest with you about who is is and what he wants.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: ibmaggy
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 8:57pm
Hon, from his point of view you're his friend and you're having sex with him. It's pretty simple, you allowed him into your bed without a commitment and he took the opportunity. He's enjoying it all, you are too BUT you're now wondering "what are we?". If you want to know what you are ask him...his reaction and answers won't be what you're looking to hear.